


Nothing Compares To You

by Lamppu



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alastair (Supernatural) - Freeform, Alastair Being an Asshole, Alternate Universe - College/University, Bottom Dean, Caring Castiel, Chubby Dean, Dean Has Self-Esteem Issues, Depressed Dean, Depression, Domestic Violence, Eating Disorders, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Suicide, John Winchester Being an Asshole, M/M, Non-Sexual Submission, Self-Harm, Sexual Assault, Sub Dean, Suicide Attempt, Top Castiel, Young Sam Winchester, wow these tags seem really cheerful
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-06-21
Updated: 2016-12-13
Packaged: 2018-02-05 14:28:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 12
Words: 54,467
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1821790
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lamppu/pseuds/Lamppu
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>DISCLAIMER; I don't own any of these characters. The only thing that's mine is the story line. </p><p>WARNINGS; Dean and Cas might be a tad ooc. Okay, not a tad.. A lot maybe, but it's necessary for the nature of this story. I'll try to keep some of their habits and traits alive though.</p><p>English isn't my native language, and I haven't studied english since the 9th grade, so forgive me for stupid little mistakes. I have 4 betas to correct my mistakes, however.</p><p>Beginnings have always been hard for me to write, so I hope you guys will stick around and see how things progress!</p><p>Thank you for your patience, and hope you enjoy!</p>
    </blockquote>





	1. The boy in the Avengers shirt

**Author's Note:**

> DISCLAIMER; I don't own any of these characters. The only thing that's mine is the story line. 
> 
> WARNINGS; Dean and Cas might be a tad ooc. Okay, not a tad.. A lot maybe, but it's necessary for the nature of this story. I'll try to keep some of their habits and traits alive though.
> 
> English isn't my native language, and I haven't studied english since the 9th grade, so forgive me for stupid little mistakes. I have 4 betas to correct my mistakes, however.
> 
> Beginnings have always been hard for me to write, so I hope you guys will stick around and see how things progress!
> 
> Thank you for your patience, and hope you enjoy!

 

 

* * *

 

It’s raining cats and dogs, but fortunately Castiel had left his apartment fully prepared. However, despite having an umbrella, he manages to soak his loafers and pant legs on a large puddle that he steps right into when he gets off the bus on his way to the university library.

He curses inaudibly as he tries to shake off the excess water, to no avail, but in favour of the book he has been waiting for months, Castiel decides to forget about that and starts to jog from the bus stop to the library's entrance.

When he finally gets inside, he puts his black briefcase on to the floor, closes his umbrella and shakes off the excess water. Castiel makes his way to his usual spot in the coatroom – it was the one in the last row, exactly in the middle – and leaves his umbrella and trusty trench coat there. He hadn't realized to take an extra pair of socks or shoes with him, so he decides to keep the wet ones on for now. After all, he was going to stay for a bit and read his book, so he could just put his socks and shoes to dry somewhere.

The book he was picking up from the library was a book he had reserved months ago, and it had finally been returned by the previous person who had loaned it. The book was extremely rare, and the university library was the only library in town that had a copy of it. Someone always loaned it before Castiel could. So, now that Castiel will finally get his hands on it, he's probably not going to stop reading it once he starts. He can already picture himself reading it while sitting on the windowsill, while blues is playing softly in the background.

Now, the only thing he needs is the book.

He practically skips down the enormous stairs to the library's main hall. The center of the hall has the info desk, with large bookshelves surrounding it. One of the several reading areas are a few steps away from the info desk. It’s circled by small bookshelves, and the area has few armchairs and desks with solid wood chairs. The armchairs – and the whole library – is filled with warm colours that made the library more … homey. Also, Castiel absolutely loves the fact that the library building hasn't been 'modernized'. There has been some renovations, but the contractors have done a splendid job with keeping the original theme and design. Castiel loves the warm atmosphere of the library, with its antique furniture and decorations.

Even though their college is smaller than your average college, the large library that sits at the far end of the campus is their pride and joy.

As he walks to the info desk, he's smiling widely and feels his heart hammering in his chest. The middle aged librarian notices him approach her, so she greets him with a nod  and a small – but warm – smile. When Castiel is at the desk, the librarian speaks.

“Good afternoon, Castiel. Came for your book?”

Pretty much everyone from the library staff knew Castiel. He was there almost every single day, either studying, volunteering or just reading for fun. The library is like a second home to him, and he'd probably live there if it was possible.

Castiel smiles back at the librarian, Rosalina.

“Yeah, actually, I am. I've been waiting for it so long”, he said, and practically beams  rays of sunshine.

Rosalina smiles at him again. “You'll have it in just a minute. Just wait here and I'll go get it”, she says as she leaves her post, disappearing behind the bookshelves.

While Castiel is waiting, he looks around the hall and watches people shuffle between the shelves, and others focusing on reading.

His gaze lands on a young man, probably a couple of years younger than him. He has thick rimmed glasses, a round face that looks _oh so soft,_ and he was surrounded by piles of books. He was reading with devotion. Castiel knows this, because can see the young man is mouthing the words as he reads.

It takes Castiel a few seconds to recognize the boy; He's the student who enrolled in their school in the middle of the year. He's seen the boy a few times on the school grounds, always by himself, and remembers people snickering at him because he was a bit pudgy. There are other people in their school who are _way_ bigger than he is, but because this guy is new, of _course_ he's a target. It baffles Castiel how there are bullies in college _._ He thinks that the students should be smart enough not to act like children, but unfortunately there are bullies everywhere. Even in the working world. It might not be as subtle there, but it _is_ still there.

But in all honesty, he doesn't see anything wrong with this boy.

In fact, Castiel thinks that this boy is beautiful. Beautiful might be a wrong word to describe a guy, but that's _exactly_ what this boy was. He has short, copper hair, rosy cheeks splattered with freckles and despite his eyes being downcast, Castiel can see that he has beautiful eyes that are framed with long eyelashes.

Before Castiel knows what he's doing, he's walking towards the boy. When Castiel gets closer to him, he sees that he's wearing an Avengers t-shirt under his large, red hoodie. Castiel clears his throat, and the boy lifts his head, startled. Castiel gets a better look at his eyes and feels his heart stop for a second.

“Hello,”Castiel begins, “I like your shirt”, and points at the boy's shirt.

“My … my shirt?” the boy asks, confused, and stretches the shirt down to look at it. Castiel nods, and the boy blushes deeply. “Um... thanks”, he says and smiles shyly. Castiel can't help but to smile and think that the boy is incredibly cute with pink shade on his cheeks.

The boy lets his shirt go, and Castiel can't help but notice that the shirt is rather snug around his middle. The boy notices Castiel staring, and he covers his middle in haste by zipping up his hoodie. Castiel finds the situation endearing, especially when he sees the the blush on the boy's round cheeks deepen, but then Castiel realizes that the look on the boy's face is pained, and that he is not embarrassed – he's _uncomfortable_. Castiel has made him feel uncomfortable, and it upsets him.

The thought of someone being bullied because of how they look is something he can't comprehend. After all, some people can't help how they look. Castiel decides to continue their conversation, and tries to cheer the boy up.

“Yes, I like your shirt”, he says with a gentle smile, and in return the boy smiles sheepishly at him. “Do you like the comics or just the movie franchise?” Castiel asks, and the boy gives him an _'are you serious?'_ \- look, before he answers. “I've read the comics since I was a kid, but the movie isn't half bad. Same goes for the other Marvel movies.”

Castiel nods and _'hmm'_ s.

“May I sit?” Castiel asks as pulls a chair for himself, and sits down.

“Well, you already did..” the boy mumbles with the tiniest smile on his face. Castiel hears it, but doesn't say anything. Instead, he asks:

“What are you reading so passionately?”

“Oh, this?” the boy looks at the pile of of books he's surrounded, and continues, “I'm just studying for my next week's exam. I enrolled here in the middle of the year, so I'm a little behind everyone else. I want to be prepared --”

Castiel nods again, and the boy keeps talking but it doesn't register, as Castiel's attention is on the boy's lips. He knows it sounds like a cliché, but he has never seen lips this perfect. Castiel is lost on those lips – it's just him and them.

 

 

After a while, Castiel notices that the lips have stopped moving, and the boy is now looking at him questioningly. Castiel comes down from his happy place with a crash, and blushes in embarrassment.

“Oh, uh.. I apologize”, Castiel apologizes with a shy smile. The boy smiles back at him, face equally red. “It's okay”, he says.

There's a long, awkward silence, where Castiel tries to get his crap together. He clears his throat.

“So, you just moved here, right? I haven't seen you on the school grounds before.”

The boy nods and fixes the position of his glasses. “Yeah, we moved from Lawrence, Kansas. Or, well, that's where we're originally from. We... we, uh,” he stutters, “we've moved around  a lot. Dad finally decided to settle down for good, and, well.. Here we are.”

Castiel nods again, his lips in a pout. “Is it just you and your father, or...?” he pries, and the boy clenches his jaw.

“No, no .. It's me, dad and my – my little brother, Sam.” He swallows, as he feels panic creeping up his back. He does _not_ like where this is going..

Then Castiel asks the one question the younger boy wants to avoid more than anything.

“So, what about your mother?”

Despite knowing that the question was eventually gonna come up at some point, the boy tenses. His fists are clenched so tight his knuckles are white, and his fists are trembling slightly. He feels everything black out around him. He hears nothing but the loud heartbeat in his ears. His vision starts to blur, and he realizes that he's gonna have a panic attack and he's gonna fucking _cry_ in public, and he hopes that this guy would just stop asking questions!

Unfortunately, Castiel doesn't notice the change, as he is eager to get to know the boy, and he continues.

“Are your parents divorced? It's alright, my parents --”

Castiel's sentence is interrupted by a loud creak. The boy had stood up abruptly, and Castiel sees the pained look on his face. He watches in stunned silence as the boy gathers his books in a hurry.

“I'm – I'm sorry but I have to go”, the boy says, voice uneven and Castiel watches his frantic movements, still unable to say anything illegible. Once the books are stuffed in the boy's bag, he stumbles away from the desk and starts walking towards the stairs as fast as he can.

Finally, Castiel finds his voice, and hollers after the boy, “It was nice to meet you!”, but it earns him angry looks and several _'shh!'_ s. He apologizes in a hushed tone and sits back down.

“ _Damn, I must have upset him..”_ he thinks with a frown on his face and keeps looking at the stairs even though the boy is long gone. He sighs, and leans back on his chair.

Castiel had zoned out, because when he feels a hand on his shoulder, he recoils and gasps in surprise.

It was Rosalina, the librarian who went to pick up his book. “Oh, I'm sorry.. But, here's your book”, she says with an apologetic smile on her face, and holds out the book for Castiel to take.

“Ah, yes. I had totally forgotten. Thank you!”

The librarian finds it rather funny that Castiel had managed to forget about the book in what must've been a few minutes, especially after he's been waiting for it like a rising moon. Rosalina excuses herself and goes back to work, and Castiel is left alone was again.

Suddenly, he doesn't feel like reading right now so he stands up, puts the book in his briefcase and starts to make his way to the stairs.

When he gets to his locker, he realizes something and mentally slaps his forehead.

“I didn't remember to introduce myself _or_ ask his name ..”

 

\- -

 

_Some time later, on the other side of town.._

Sam Winchester sits on a worn out dull green armchair as he’s at home sick from school, and watches cartoons from their God-only-knows how old TV-set. Sam doesn't care about that, though. He's just glad that they have a TV and that it's working, so he can hook his old Playstation to it and play games. Sam doesn't get to play that often, however, because their dad spends most of his time in front of the TV.

So, now that he's got the TV all to himself, he's going to enjoy it wholeheartedly.

“Haha, Spongebob, you dork..” he laughs, and takes a bite from the sandwich the nice lady next door had made for him earlier.

Sam's time with the TV comes to an end when he hears the front door open and close, and fears that his father came home early. He quickly turns off the TV, hops off of the chair and tries to listen.

When he doesn't hear anything, only the shuffling of clothes, he raises his voice. “Dad? Is that you?” He asks and waits for an answer. When he doesn't get one, he warily walks to the vestibule in case it _is_ his father, and neither he nor his brother never knew what condition in their father came home.

He takes a peek from behind the door frame, he sees that it's not his dad, but his older brother. Sam sighs in relief, but as he looks more closely his brother he notices that he's soaking wet, and his shoes and pant legs are brown with wet mud.

“Dean? Is everything okay?”

Dean turns around to face Sam, and in that instant he sees that Dean's eyes are red rimmed and glassy. “What happened?”, he asks.

His brother sniffs, takes his glasses off and runs his hand through his face. He smiles. “It's okay, Sammy. Everything's fine. It's just raining cats and dogs out there.”

Sam looks at him doubtfully, but nods.

“I'm gonna go change and take a shower. How about we play some Tekken before dad comes home?” Dean suggests, and it makes Sam smile widely.

“Okay, I'll go get the console and stuff!” he shrieks, and runs upstairs ahead of Dean. It makes Dean smile, and slowly he starts to walk up the stairs.

When he gets to the hallway, he hears Sam rummaging around their shared room, searching for the Playstation and everything that's needed, and it makes Dean smile. He walks down the hall and enters the bathroom at the end of it, closes and locks the door, and starts to undress himself.

Dean _could_ undress in their room, as the room has been divided by a sturdy curtain so the boys have their own spaces, but he doesn't want Sam barging in and seeing him without his clothes. Hell, he even avoids mirrors and reflective surfaces himself like the plague.

Once, back in high school, Dean made the mistake of looking at his reflection in the gym's locker room when he was going to shower with the rest of the boys, but when he saw himself from the full body mirror, he felt tears stinging in his eyes. Dean skipped the shower and spent the next two weeks stuffing his face with everything he could find, or make. Mostly pastries and junk food.

Dean throws his clothes to the floor – they need to be washed anyway – and first thing he notices is that he has new stretch marks on his belly. He sighs and counts them. One, two, three.. four, five .. six. _Six_ new stretch marks. Dean feels defeated and disgusting. He squeezes his belly and wishes he could just cut off all the fat with scissors or a knife.

_If only.._

If their dad finds out, Dean will never hear the end of it. Their father started to make remarks about Dean's weight when he started to get heavier after their mom died.

With despair clear on his face, Dean steps behind the shower curtain and turns on the water,. He gets hit by a cold spray of water and he jumps back, swearing loudly. He waits for the water to get warm, but it's taking longer than usual. 

Then it hits him. The gas must be cut off.

“Great”, he mutters. “Dad hasn't paid the gas bill … again.” 

Normally, in a situation like this, Dean would boil some water in the kitchen, pour it to a bucket and mix the hot water with cold and he'd wash himself with that, but now.. he's too _tired_ to do that. Besides, Dean promised to play Tekken with Sam, and he doesn't want to disappoint his little brother. So, he decides to bite through and wash himself in the cold water as quickly as possible. He can worry about the gas bill tomorrow. 

When Dean has finished drying himself, he notices that he didn't take his pyjamas with him so he could put them on in private.

Well, they're not exactly pyjamas, but old sweats and a worn out AC/DC t-shirt. He feels anxiety creeping up his back, because he does not want to be seen in a towel as he is. Dean hesitantly puts his hand on his chest - “ _Hey check it out, Winchester's got man boobs!!”_ \- and pulls his towel from his waist to his chest, covering it. He knows that women wear their towels like this and he feels a little degraded.

He picks up his wet clothes and throws them to the overflowing laundry basket, which reminds him that he needs to do the laundry, as well.

Dean opens the bathroom door slightly to check if Sam's still in their room or downstairs, and when he hears Sam downstairs he sighs in relief and dashes to their room. When he's behind the curtain, on his side of the room, he quickly puts his pyjamas on and makes his way downstairs.

Sam is already sitting in front of the TV, on the floor, with the game already on and smiles when he sees Dean entering the living room. Dean sits down next to him, and Sam offers him the first player controller.

 

\- -

 

They play for what seems to be like hours, until they hear a car door slamming shut. Their heads turn quickly to the direction where the sound came from – the front door. The brothers turn to look at each other, Sam with naked terror in his features but Dean's face shows no emotion. He needs to stay calm for Sam.

 “Sammy, go upstairs. I'll handle dad”, he says with a reassuring smile. Sam nods and scrambles to upstairs, while Dean stays downstairs and starts to gather away the Playstation.

 Dean hears John fumbling with his keys and then he comes inside with heavy, unsteady steps.  Dean is right by his side to prevent him from falling to the floor. Dean has no idea how he was able to drive home in this shape let alone who let him _drive_ in the first place.

 “Here, dad, let me help you to bed”, Dean offers, but gets violently shoved away by John's surprisingly steady hands.

 “Don't need any help from _you_ ”, he spits out the last word like it was poison and it makes Dean look at his own feet in shame.

 “I'm sorry, dad, but --”

 “You don't get to apologize!” John yells and Dean flinches.

 “Dad, come on, let me --”

 Before Dean can finish his sentence John shoves him again and Dean stumbles backwards, and trips on his own feet, making him fall down to the floor. Dean looks up and sees John looming over him, and suddenly John doesn't seem as drunk as he was just seconds ago.

 “ _Don't you talk back to me, boy_ ”, John hisses, his voice clear as day and eyes locked to Dean's own in feral anger. Dean averts his eyes from his father's, clenches his jaw and tries to calm his erratically beating heart.

 “Yes sir”, he says with his voice shaking as he looks at his father's feet.

 John's knee kicks Dean hard on his middle, making Dean yelp from the sudden pain and he folds in two. “I did not hear you”, John growls.

 Dean takes deep breaths and says, now louder “YES SIR”, but gets another kick to his middle.

 “ _LOOK AT ME_ ”, his father rumbles like thunder and Dean looks up to his father, and tries again with his eyebrows furrowed in anger “YES SIR!”

 John doesn't seem to notice that it comes out as a snarl, much to Dean's relief as it wasn't intentional.

 “Good. Now drag your fat ass to bed”, John says as he staggers past Dean towards his room.

 Dean sits on the floor and once his father is out of sight, he folds to a fetal position on the floor, holds his middle and groans from the pain. He lays there for a moment with his eyes closed, trying to calm himself with deep breaths. He hears faint footsteps on top of the stairs, and when he opens his eyes he sees Sam peering down the stairs.

 “It's okay Sammy, go back to bed. I'll.. I'll be right there.”

 Instead of going back to their room, Sam descends the stairs and goes to his brother. “Does it hurt?” he asks as he helps Dean up.

 “Nah, nothing I can't handle. It just caught me by surprise, that's all”, he coughs.

After some wavering steps and groans from Dean they make it back to their room. Dean walks Sam to his bed, like he always has, and tucks him in. Dean ruffles Sam's hair – he _really_ needs to cut it one of these days – and it makes his little brother smile. 

“Good night, nerd. See you in the morning.”

Dean turns to leave, but his hand is grabbed by Sam's smaller ones. “Can I sleep next to you tonight?” he asks and how can Dean say no to those puppy dog eyes?

“Sure.” 

They take their mattresses off of their bed frames, put them next to one another down to the floor, making it one big bed and lie down on it. Sam wriggles himself to Dean's side. It makes Dean smile, but sad at the same time. Sam doesn't do this unless he's scared.

He puts his arms around Sam and it doesn't take long for Sam to fall asleep, with Dean soon following.

That night Dean dreams of his mother.


	2. Sky Blue Eyes

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry it took so long. This chapter still needs a bit editing, but I figured I don't wanna make you guys wait too long for this, so here we go!

It's been little over a week since the library incident, and Castiel still hasn't opened the book he so eagerly waited for. The only thing he's been able to think is either school, football practice and the boy he met. Castiel has seen him on the school grounds, but whenever he's tried to go and talk to the boy, he's been interrupted by either classmates, overzealous fangirls or his coach.

His current football practice has lasted for two hours now and Castiel is absolutely exhausted. He's had a rough week and he just wants to collapse on his bed and lie there for the rest of the year. He knows it's not possible, but he takes comfort in the fact that the practice is almost over and he can go home and take a relaxing bath.

Half an hour later, after they're done with their stretches, they're finally cleared to go home. Castiel is soaking in sweat, but that's how he knows that he's actually _done_ something today.

As Castiel walks across the field to the locker room, he notices the boy he had met in the library. The boy was on the other side of the field, walking behind the fence. A big smile spreads on Castiel's face and he starts to run towards him, all exhaustion suddenly forgotten. He can hear his couch yelling after him, asking where he's going, but Castiel ignores it and keeps running.

When Castiel arrives to the fence, he grabs the fence from its gaps, rattling it.

”Hello!” Castiel chimes and the boy jerks back, startled.

”Jesus! Don't do that!” the boy shrieks, his eyes wide from shock. The boy looks at Castiel with a frown, but Castiel just looks back at him.

”What do you want..?” the boy asks and takes a few steps back.

”I wanted to apologize to you. For what happened back at the library.” Castiel says with an apologetic look on his face.

The boy continues to frown, but then his face clears in realization: ”Oh! It's you!”

Castiel smiles. ”Yes, it's me. Listen, I need to take a shower. Meet me by the front gates in a few?”

The boy looks at Castiel from top to bottom before he nods. Castiel smiles, and says ”Great! I'll see you there”. He runs off, feeling the boy's eyes on his back.

 

\- -

Castiel has been waiting by the gates for 15 minutes, but there's no sign of the boy. He checks his watch every 10 seconds and wonders if he's been stood up.

He sits down on a near by bench, puts his duffel bag down on the ground and leans against the back of the bench. He closes his eyes and takes a deep breath.

After a while, he feels a tap on his shoulder and Castiel opens his eyes. When he sees a pair of forest green eyes looking at him, a brief smile spreads on Castiel's face.

_It's him!_

”Uh, hi there”, the green eyed boy says with a smirk and Castiel gets up.

Castiel responds with a simple ”Hello”, and picks up his duffel bag. They stand there, awkwardly, but Castiel manages to take his eyes off of the boy's unbelievably green ones, and clears his throat.

”Are you free, right now?” he asks, and much to his surprise, he suddenly feels nervous. The boy nods, and so does Castiel, not knowing what else to do. He scratches the back of his head.

”Would you like to talk over coffee? There's a nice place not far from here. My treat, of course”, Castiel finally manages to blurt out and a tiny smile appears on the boy's face, his cheeks crunching up a bit.

”Awesome. Lead the way”, he says and they take off.

 

\- -

 

It takes them only 10 minutes or so to walk when they finally see the cafe. It looks like a really tiny place, with only one window and one small entrance.

Castiel opens the door - there's a ding from a bell- and they step inside.

The café looks small from the outside, but from the inside, it's actually quite big. On the left of the entrance there's small tables with assorted chairs; not one chair has a similar pair. On the right there's the counter, and a cake display with all sorts of small sweets and pastries, and also some salty foods, like sandwiches, and right next to it is a small hallway that leads to the toilets.

On the counter there's a variety of mugs upside down for customers to take and pour their coffee or tea into, and next to the mugs is a chalkboard that has the specials written on it. There's only one chandelier to light up the entire place, and the rest of the light comes from the candles that are placed on the tables.

Dean notices an antique looking glass cabinet further in the café, filled with books. Next to it is an old jukebox and it makes Dean smirk. There's a weird picture on the wall; a black and white painting of a human head that has deer horns and weird, grey-ish mist surrounding it. Under the painting there's a couch that looks antique as well, and Dean realizes that a lot of the furniture seem antique-like.

All in all, it's a lot bigger from the inside. Like the Tardis, Dean thinks and smiles.

Castiel leads them to the back of the cafe, to a table that's a bit hidden and more private than the others. The boy frowns as he sees a mirror on the opposite wall. He begins to feel uncomfortable, so he quickly takes the seat where he can't see the mirror from and lets Castiel sit there instead.

”What's your name?”, Castiel begins, ”I forgot to ask back at the library and I feel such an idiot about it.”

The boy smiles and looks Castiel straight in his eyes. It makes Castiel's hair at the back of his neck stand.

”I'm Dean”, the boy simply says.

”Nice to meet you, Dean. I'm Castiel.”

Castiel feels a little better now that they have introduced themselves properly. Castiel looks at Dean with a gentle smile and Dean's own eyes dart uncertainly between Castiel's face and the table surface.

Castiel orders himself tea and coffee for Dean. When they get their hot beverages, Castiel asks:

”Would you like to have a slice of cake? Or perhaps pie? This place has the best baked goods in the whole town, if you ask me.” He points at the cake display by the wooden counter and there indeed are all sort of cakes and pies, as Dean already saw when they walked in. Not to mention cupcakes, brownies, cinnamon rolls ..

Everything looks so tempting to Dean, but he hesitates. After John had found out about his weight gain, he didn't eat for two days. One day as a punishment from his dad, and the second was a punishment from himself.

”No, no, that's alright. The coffee is enough”, he smiles as he lifts the cup to his lips and takes a sip.

”Well, how about we share a slice?” Castiel asks.

Dean thinks. Maybe it won't hurt to eat a small slice? Besides, Castiel  _did_ ask nicely, and Dean's always had trouble telling people 'no.'

Finally, he nods. ”Sure, why not.”

”What would you like to have, then?” Castiel asks as he digs around his duffel bag, searching for his wallet.

”You pick, since you're the one paying for it.”

When Castiel goes to order, Dean feels guilty. He's fat enough already, but he just can't say  no .. especially to those sky blue eyes. Maybe he'll skip dinner to make up for it.

A few minutes later Castiel returns to their booth with one plate and two spoons.

”I got us a piece of the white chocolate cheesecake. It's so delicious, I could probably eat the whole cake in one sitting.”

Dean feels embarrassed. He has eaten a whole cake in one sitting, and some more, but it's not that much of a surprise given what he looks like.

”Alright, let's dig in.” Castiel cheers and takes the first spoonful. He lets out a happy sigh and closes his eyes as he savours the cake. A content smile finds its way to Castiel's face and he opens his eyes. Dean has yet to take any, so Castiel gestures to the plate with his spoon and swallows before he speaks.

”Come on, Dean. Try it. It's really good.”

Dean hesitates a little, but he takes a small piece of the cake. He can feel Castiel's eyes on him, watching him. Not wanting to seem gluttonous, Dean puts the spoon slowly in his mouth and holy _crap_ it's delicious! He could get a food orgasm – a foodgasm – right here, right now. He looks at Castiel with his eyes blown wide.

 

 

 

 

”This is good..!” he says and eagerly takes another piece, larger this time. Once the second piece is in his mouth, he realizes what he's done. Slowly, he looks back to Castiel again. Is Castiel gonna yell at him? Or reproach him? Because that's what his dad does. Calls him a disgusting glutton.

Castiel is unaware of Dean's inner torment, so he just looks back at Dean with his head tilted to the side in confusion. On closer inspection he does notice how Dean averts his eyes, so Castiel decides to take Dean's mind somewhere else.

”I'm going to get another cup of tea. Do you want anything?”, he asks as he gets up.

”Just water, thanks.”

Castiel nods and exits their booth, leaving Dean alone for the moment. Once Castiel is waiting in line, Dean finally dares to take a better look at him.

Castiel is tall and lean, his shoulders are broad but not too much. His hair is messed up and it sticks to every possible direction, but somehow it suits him. His lips are a little paler than Dean's own, and chapped, but you can't see it from afar. Dean notices for the first time that Castiel has a cleft in his chin. Dean has never really considered cleft chins attractive, but Castiel's isn't as deep and noticeable. Somehow it suits him.

But his  _eyes_? Jesus, Dean could get lost in them.

Castiel notices Dean staring him, so he waves and smiles to Dean to which Dean laughs softly. He waves back.

When Castiel gets back, Dean feels a blush rise to his face. He takes the glass of water from Castiel and drinks it with three huge gulps.

”So, how did you do on your exams?” Castiel asks after a moment of silence.

Dean looks at him in confusion and eats another spoonful of cake, so Castiel continues, ”You were studying for them at the library, right? How did you do?”

”Oh, right”, Dean says, ”I think I did okay. I mean, I'm not much of a brainiac. I prefer to do stuff with my hands, you know? Sammy's more of a bookworm than me.”

 _Then why is he in college?_ Castiel thinks, but that's none of his business. Besides, he doesn't want to upset Dean again by asking too many questions.

Castiel has run out of things to talk about. They've been at the cafe for almost an hour, and he'd love to know more about Dean, but he doesn't want to obtrude.

”Well, I guess I should be getting home”, he says and notices that Dean has eaten the rest of the cake. It makes him smile.

”Yeah, me too. Sammy doesn't like it when I come home too late.”

When they exit the café, Castiel writes his phone number to a small piece of scrap paper and gives it to Dean. ”Here. If you want to go explore the town sometime, give me a call or text me.”

”Yeah, okay,” Dean says and puts the scrap paper to his wallet so he won't lose it.

They go their separate ways.

 

\- -

 

The second Castiel steps inside his apartment, he drops his bag to the floor, rushes for his laptop and turns it on. After they went their separate ways only moments ago, Castiel's been burning with a need to plan his tour for Dean; He wants Dean to see all of his favourite places.

He opens the website for the town they live in and lists all the so called hot spots that are listed on the website and in addition to those, he adds his own personal favourites, since most of them are not mentioned on the website.

Castiel works on the list for a couple of hours. He writes down the destinations in order of which place he wants to take Dean. He thinks it's easier to navigate with a list that's in a sensible order and go from place A to B, instead of A to X and get confused in the process.

When Castiel is done with his plan, he looks at his cell phone, secretly hoping that Dean will text him, so Castiel will have an excuse to text him back, and he'd get Dean's own number at the same time.

He has no idea when Dean will call him, or if he's gonna call in the first place.

Next he starts to work on his home work, although half assedly. It's not that late, but the exhaustion from earlier finally caught up with him.

It doesn't take Castiel long before he's done with his home work, so he figures he should grab something to eat before heading off to bed for the night. He was supposed to go for a short run, but after spending a couple of hours with Dean, he doesn't really have the energy for it. He doesn't really care, either. Besides, their training had been rather heavy today, since his soccer team is preparing for a match between them and some other school from a neighboring town that Castiel doesn't really care about.

Castiel has thought of quitting the team, because he's not that into soccer anymore. Maybe he should join the track team?

As Castiel climbs to his bed and sets his phone on his nightstand, he hasn't yet gotten any messages from Dean, but he's not that disappointed, as they have made contact and maybe Dean will come and talk to him at school. Or he'll go and talk to Dean.

He can't wait.

 

\- -

 

Dean comes home to find Sam sprawled on the living room floor, doing homework with a blonde girl Dean hasn't seen before.

”Heya, Sammy. Who's your date?” he teases.

Sam looks up from his books to Dean with his face red and eyes wide. ”D-Dean!” he shrieks and it makes Dean snort and the girl giggle. The blonde girl's hair is braided and she's wearing pink jeans with a casual white t-shirt – short sleeved and ruffled.

”I'm just messing with you, Sam.” Dean says and Sam mumbles something illegible under his breath as Dean walks over to them with his hand extended.

”Hey, I'm Dean, this squirt's big brother”, he introduces himself and the girl takes his hand in her own, and they shake hands.

”I'm Jess, Sam's classmate”, the blonde girl – Jess – introduces herself with a bright smile. It makes Dean smile as well.

”I'm gonna start dinner. Jess, you wanna stay for dinner?” Dean asks and steps over Sam to get to the kitchen, and he hears Jess reply a cheerful ” _Sure!”._

Dean searches through their kitchen cabinets for something to whip up a decent meal from. To his dismay he doesn't find much food, but he does find out that John has stocked his booze stash. He also comes to the conclusion that he really needs to go grocery shopping one of these days.

Finally he finds something; a can of tuna and a bag of macaroni. Not exactly super nutritious, but it's still food.

 

\- -

 

Sam and Jess talk through the entire dinner with Dean amusedly listening to them. He took only a little of the macaroni-tuna combination, which turned out to be delicious much to Dean's surprise.

Jess leaves soon after they've eaten and the brothers start washing the dishes.

”She seems like a nice kid. You should bring her over again”, Dean says as he gives a plate for Sam to dry.

”I'd love to, but..”

”Dad. Right.”

They continue their chore in silence. The brothers rarely know when their father comes home, and they never know is he drunk or not. Now John's at Bobby Singer's – a long time friend of John's and sort of an uncle to Sam and Dean.

”Well, maybe you can go visit her? I'm sure her parents wouldn't mind, especially because you're a decent kid.”

Sam smiles, and chimes, ”Yeah! I'll ask her first thing tomorrow!”

After they're done with the dishes, Sam goes to take a quick shower and Dean takes the chance to count the money they have left. _A little over 10 bucks .._ Dean takes his glasses off and runs his hand down his face and sighs. At this rate Dean will have to get a job.

Sam's face peeks from the arched doorway that separates the kitchen and the living room. Dean doesn't notice him at first, but when Sam clears his throat, Dean looks up. Without his glasses, Sam is nothing but a blur to him.

”What's up, Sam?” he asks and puts his glasses back on.

”Can I watch some cartoons before we go to bed?” Sam asks and gives his famous puppy dog eyes look.

Dean huffs in amusement. ”Sure. Pick something we both can watch.”

Sam smiles widely and trots to the VCR-system next to the TV and starts going through their VHS-tapes. Dean puts the money away and joins Sam in the living room. One of his old Turtles' tapes is playing on the TV screen. Sam sits down to the worn out arm chair and Dean takes the two seated couch. It's not the world's most comfortable thing, but it'll do.

After ten minutes or so, Sam asks quietly, ”When do you think dad'll come home?”

”I don't know, or really care. Bobby always gives us a call when dad leaves his place, so for now we can be at ease.”

Sam nods and focuses to the TV once again.

It takes two and a half episodes until Sam starts to nod off, and the rest of the third episode before he's asleep. Dean gets up from the couch, tiptoes to the TV and turns it, and the VCR, off. Dean carries Sam upstairs, bridal style, as carefully as he can. He won't be able to carry Sam like this soon; the kid grows incredibly fast. He lowers Sam down to his bed, and ruffles Sam's hair affectionately.

He climbs to his own bed and the last thing he thinks of before falling to slumber, is a pair of sky blue eyes. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Slow build, slow build .. Hope this isn't too uneventful. In the future, if you're wondering how's the progress of this story going, [go here](http://nothingcomparestoyoudestiel.tumblr.com).


	3. Cheeseburger In Paradise

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Remember kids; English isn't my native language and I don't have much education on it. Also, lots of dialoque here. I would also like to thank one of my betas, [Laana](dumplingdean.tumblr.com), who helped me a great deal with this chapter.
> 
> Sorry, no chapter illustration this time. :--( I wasn't happy with it, and didn't have time to redo it.

Dean's been staring at his phone for a few hours now, debating whether or not he should call or text Castiel. He did get his number only two days ago, so he's not sure when he should contact him.

He's seen Castiel around campus, but because they don't share any classes, they haven’t really spoken. It just doesn’t feel right, Dean thinks, to just start talking to him.Castiel did notice Dean as well, and he had waved at Dean on several occasions, but Dean didn't want to bother him.

Dean can't get Castiel off his mind. Sam's at Jess', and John's not home, so he has the entire house to himself. Dean's been trying to do his homework, but  _ he can't stop staring at his phone  _ !

_ Okay, man up Winchester  _ .. he tries to motivate himself, and in the end he decides to text Castiel once he's done with his homework. There isn't much of it, anyways.

 

\- -

  
Despite not having a lot of homework, Dean seems to be stalling himself. He works much slower than usual, but eventually he finishes. He takes the phone in his shaking hand and flips it open and goes to his contacts. Dean's got only 4 numbers saved: Sammy, Dad, Bobby and Castiel, but he's happy to have acquired Castiel's number in the first place. He just hopes he doesn't have to end up deleting it later.

Dean doesn’t want to get his hopes up. He's had little to no friends in the past, and those few who he thought were his friends either ended up stabbing him in the back or they just fell out of contact due to the Winchester's habit of moving around.

He has no idea what kind of person Castiel is, but he seems nice and sincerely sorry for what happened at the library.  Dean, however, knows from experience that lots of people are like that in the beginning: nice and sweet. They kept him around until they didn’t need him anymore.

He has so many painful memories, one stands out in particular from a few years back at his old school…    

A new student who had transferred to his school went out of their way to befriend him.  They had become close, as close as Dean could allow himself to be to another person.  Despite the two of them being polar opposites, they had meshed well and Dean had considered them to be a good friend, that was until the truth was revealed, that his new “friend” had simply been using him to get closer to other people in the class, the more popular kids.  

Dean had been hurt, and he could still remember the stabbing pain in his side as he had read the text message that had fully cemented the end of their friendship…. _ fuck off fatty _ , it had said.  

Dean cringes.  Just thinking about it is enough to make him feel sick to his stomach.  He quickly pushes the unpleasant memories away, puts them back into the box where he has hidden them at the back of his mind.  He doesn’t have time to dwell on those things today.  He has better things to think about, like Cas.  

Even though Cas seems like a nice guy, Dean doesn't really want to get his hopes up.  Why would he be any different from anyone else?  What made him special?

_ Wow, fat ass, you really need to stop overthinking ..  _ he thinks and goes to his ”messages”-folder and composes a new text.

” _Hey, Castiel. It's Dean. This is my number, so be sure to save it.”_

That's innocent enough, right?

He presses the send-button, flips his phone shut and throws it on his bed and anxiously waits for a reply.

It takes a while, but eventually his phone chirps – 1 new message. Dean feels his throat tighten, which is stupid, because he only gave his number to Castiel. So why's he so nervous?

Finally he gets up from his chair – it squeaks – and checks the message.

” _Hello, Dean. It's nice to hear from you.”_

Dean’s face lights up when he reads the message, it’s not much, but it’s something.  He can feel his heart thumping in his chest and suddenly, his fingers feel funny as he tries to type up a reply.  When did making friends get so hard?

” _ How 'bout we go for that tour?”  _ Does that sound too eager?

Dean blinks, puts his phone down and grimaces. Since when he's been acting like a little girl? He types again.

” _So, I was thinking about taking you up on that city tour-promise.”_

Send.

Again, it takes a few minutes before he gets a response back from Castiel. Does he type slowly or something? Or does he struggle with what to type, as well?

Finally, he gets a response.

” _I'm glad to hear that. When should we go? I have practice on mondays, wednesdays and fridays, but on fridays we usually get off earlier because it's the weekend and a lot of my teammates want to go out partying.”_

That's a lot of information, Dean thinks.

” _I'm okay with anything, just let me know what you decide. I gotta ask Sam if he wants to come with, or if I should find someone to watch him.”_

” _Surely he can be by himself a couple of hours?”_

” _No, he can't.”_

Dean thinks of adding a  ” _ he's an idiot”  _ to the message, but that's not true. If the circumstances were different, he'd leave Sam on his own for a couple of hours without a worry. He’s already 11 and the kid's very mature for his age, although his real age bleeds through sometimes. Like with Jess the other day. But, not knowing when Dad comes home, he doesn't want to leave Sam alone.

” _That's alright. Perhaps we could have our tour on saturday, say, somewhere between 5pm to 7pm?”_

_ That could work _ .. Dean thinks. He just needs to ask Sam if he wants to come along, or if he'd like to go over to Jess' house. Why didn't he think of that? Sam would probably love to spend a day with Jess.

Dean's kind of hoping Sam would come with them, but at the same time he wishes Sam wouldn't. He'd like to spend time with Castiel, alone, but on the other hand the thought of it makes him nervous so with Sam there, he'd have a chaperone of sorts.

” _Sounds good to me. Where should we meet?”_

” _Let's meet at the university library, and we'll go from there.”_

” _Okay, see you then.”_

Dean smiles, but his smile is soon wiped off of his face when he gets a call from Bobby.

”Yeah?” he answers.

” Hey, Dean”, a gruff voice greets him, ”John's on his way home. He left a couple of hours ago and he should be back home early in the morning, unless he stops on his way there.”

”Super. Thanks for letting me know, Bobby.”

”It's the least I could do. I tried to talk some sense into him, to stop drinking so goddamn much, but you know how he is.”

”It's okay, Bobby. I can handle him.”

They talk for a little while after that. About school and Sam, and other superficial nonsense because Dean doesn't want to go any deeper than that.

 

\- -

  
Castiel is pleasantly surprised to get a message from Dean, and he can't wait to see him on Saturday. He's having trouble replying to Dean's messages, because his phone is new and he's never been good with cellphones.

They'll probably see each other at campus, but with Castiel being always so busy, he most likely can't go talk to Dean, much to his dismay, but on saturday he's got Dean all for himself and after that he’s gonna make some time to go talk to him if he has to.

He has a lot of fans and great teammates he sometimes hangs out with, but Castiel doesn’t really have any  _ friends _ , so he would like to befriend Dean.

Maybe he’ll ask Dean to join him for another cup of coffee after school at the Lunchbox Teas, the café they were at only a short time ago.

  
\- -

  
It’s saturday.

The end of autumn and the beginning of winter has always been rainy in North Haledon, and it's not that much of a surprise that it's raining now as well. Castiel waits for Dean at the bottom of the library's stairs, holding his umbrella. He considers going inside for a while and just text Dean and tell him to come inside. It's already 7.15pm..

Luckily, he doesn't have to wait much longer. He hears a soft but loud purr of a car's engine, noticeably different than newer car's, and turns to look. His mouth drops and he blinks a few times. It's a beautiful, sleek, black car and even though Castiel isn't really into cars, even he has to admit that this car is a beauty.

He's even more in awe when the car pulls up in front of him and Castiel sees Dean looking at him.

”Dean?” he asks, his eyes bugging out. It earns him a wide smile from Dean.

He opens the passenger side's door, and says, ”Sorry I'm late. I was gonna text you on the way but I don't wanna die before I'm 20.”

So Dean's under 20? Just a couple of years younger than him, then.

Castiel gets inside the car and closes the door. ”This is a really nice car. Is it yours?”, he asks.

Dean shakes his head solemnly. ”Nope, but maybe one day. It's my dad's, but I get to use her when he's not home or using her himself, which isn't all that often.”

”So how does your dad get around, then?” Castiel asks.

”Well, he uses Baby as often as he can, but usually it's either my uncle or me driving him around.”

”Oh? You have an uncle?” Castiel smiles as Dean is revealing more about his family to Castiel without even noticing it himself.

”Ah, no, he's not my real uncle. He's an old friend of dad's, and he's been around for years so he's kinda like an uncle to me.”

Castiel nods and mentally writes the information down.

”So, uh, it's raining kinda hard. You still wanna do the tour thing?” Dean asks and points outside, where it indeed has started raining even more.

”I think we should reschedule and go when the weather's better. Is that alright?”

”Yeah, sure, that's alright.”

They sit in silence, not counting the Impala's purring engine.

”Should – should we do something? Or should I just take you home?” Dean asks, feeling a little awkward, but he tries to brush it away.

”Well, what would you like to do?” Castiel asks and turns his gaze towards Dean and it makes Dean feel even more awkward.

”I dunno, man. See a movie?” he shrugs.

”That would be nice, actually.” Castiel says and gets a smile from Dean as a response.

”Well okay then, movies it is. Where's the theatre?”

 

\- -

 

Castiel guides them to a theater that's a bit worse for wear, but Dean's sure Castiel led them here for a reason. Dean parks the Impala in front of the theatre. ”I'll be back soon, Baby”, he says to the Impala, and they go inside.

”What's 'Baby'?” Castiel suddenly asks. Dean laughs and runs a hand through his hair.

”It's what I call the car. It's my Baby.”

Castiel nods, even though he doesn't really understand the need to name one's car.

The inside of the theatre is like straight from the 50's, but Dean likes it. He's seen a lot of diners that are stuck in the 50's, but he's always liked them for some reason.

”So, what movies are currently in theatres?” Dean asks, because he honestly has no idea. He doesn't go to the movies that often.

”Oh, I should have told you. This theatre plays old movies for a cheap price. I always come here to watch my favourites.” Castiel explains. Dean looks around and sees that it's true; There are no movie posters for new movies, but vintage ones. Probably from the 30's or 40's.

Dean whistles, impressed. ”That's actually kinda cool if you ask me.” There aren't places like this one, as far as Dean knows. ”How's the place still standing?”, he asks Castiel and looks around again, seeing only a few people, ”I'm guessing it doesn't make much money.”

”It doesn't really make money, but thanks to an anonymous donor, this place gets donations pretty often. Plus, the nursery home brings their residents here to watch old movies, so there's that.”

Dean takes another look at the place, and understands why someone would like to keep this place alive.

”Come on, let's see what they are showing today”, Castiel says with excitement and drags Dean in front of the info desk that has a huge list of movies they have on the menu for today. To Dean's surprise he sees the first Star Trek movie on the list.

”Can we watch this?” he asks and taps the title on the list with his index finger.

Castiel looks at the title, and frowns.

”I have never seen this movie. Is it a good one?”

” It's not as good as the next one, but it's gotta be the best one from  _ this  _ list.” Dean says and Castiel takes another look at the other film titles.

”I do not understand”, he says as he goes through the list, ”There's a lot of good movies in here. I've seen them before. Metropolis, the Wind ..”

”What, you've seen these? All of 'em?” Dean asks, astonished.

”Not all of them, but all the classics.”

” Dude, the first Star Trek  _ IS  _ a classic.”

Cas smiles.  “Well, the only  _ classics  _ I’ve seen are old films, you know, black and white films, silent movies, my dad even made me watch European art films while I was growing up…”

”Well, that sounds like a lot of fun” Dean says sarcastically. “You've never seen any of the Star Trek movies?” He asks and Castiel shakes his head.

”Not even Star Wars?”

Another shake, and Dean's eyes widen.

”Dude, you're probably the only person I know who hasn't seen Star Wars! Did you grow up in a barrel or something?”

”I wasn't grown in a barrel, Dean. I grew up in a normal house with my mother and father.” Castiel says, completely missing what Dean meant, and Dean snorts.

”Are you serious? You – Never mind, that's okay. We'll just see the first Star Trek movie now. Alright?”

Castiel nods. ”Alright.”

They buy the tickets – Castiel insists on paying Dean's even if they're cheap – and they go to the cinema hall. There's some other people there as well, but they pay them no mind.

”Oh, right. I forgot the movie snacks”, Castiel says and gets up, only to be pulled back to sit down.

”You sit tight, I'll go get them. I don't want you to miss the beginning. What do you want?”

”Bring me a Pepsi and a small bucket of popcorn. Here's the money --” Cas goes for his wallet, but Dean stops him again.

”No, I'll pay. You paid for the tickets, it's only fair I pay the snacks.” Dean says, and dashes out of the hall before Castiel can say anything else. He was going to mention that the snacks are gonna cost more than the tickets, but Dean was already gone.

Dean gets Castiel's snacks and contemplates on what he should get for himself, since he doesn't have a lot of money. Dean decides to take a bottle of coke and a small bag of chips.

When he gets back, the movie is at the part where Spock is in Vulcan, so it's still pretty much in the beginning. He sits down next to Castiel, and they both smile at each other before focusing on the big screen.

  
\- -

 

When the movie ends, a little over 2 hours later, the rain has finally stopped.  
  
“So, how was it? Did you like it?” Dean asks enthusiastically with a wide grin on his face.  
  
“It was.. interesting. Not knowing anything about the series made me feel a little lost, but I enjoyed it.  Thank you.”  
  
Dean’s smile widens, and Castiel realizes that it’s important that he likes the movie.  
  
“I can show you the series sometime, if you like.” Dean says, and fidgets his hands nervously. Now it’s Castiel’s turn to smile.  
  
“I’d like that very much, Dean.”  
  
They exit the theatre, and walk to the Impala. As Dean opens the door, he yawns.

”Listen, Cas.. is it okay if we just grab a bite somewhere and do the tour thing later?” Dean asks, afraid of messing up Castiel's plans, or making him mad.

”No, it's alright. I'm getting a little hungry myself. Do you like Italian?” Castiel asks, and Dean snorts.

”I was thinking more like some sort of a hamburger or fast food joint. You know, something that won't make my wallet weep.”

Castiel nods, and as they're walking towards the Impala, he asks;

” What's  _ 'Cas' _ ?”

”Huh?”

”You called me Cas just now.”

”Oh! Sorry. I just thought it'd be easier to say than Castiel. I'm sorry if it offended you or anything --”

”Oh, no no. I quite like it. Cas ..” Castiel says it to himself, as if to test it out, and smiles.

Castiel suggests a diner nearby but Dean politely declines.  He doesn’t know how to tell Cas that he feels uncomfortable eating around other people and he figures Cas doesn’t need to know that much about him anyway.  

“Well, how about we just...go to a drive through?”  Cas asks.  “There’s a nice park that we can sit in and eat, if that’s better,” Cas says with a little smile.  

Dean happily agrees.  

Dean orders a cheeseburger and Castiel opts for a salad, but while they’re eating, Dean catches him eyeing his burger.  

”You want a  bite, Cas?” Dean asks, his mouth full of his burger.

”Yes, I would. Thank you.” Castiel says with a small blush and takes the burger from Dean's offering hand and carefully takes as small bite from the burger and chews it slowly. His eyes widen, and he says with his mouth full:

”This makes me very happy.” He smiles and takes another bite, more enthusiastically this time. It makes Dean chuckle.

”You look like you've never had a burger before.”

Castiel stops chewing and looks at Dean with his cheeks full. He reminds Dean of a chipmunk. Or a hamster.

” This .. this  _ is  _ my first burger.”

Dean's eyes bug out.

”What?! Holy shit, I thought you didn't grow up in a barrel! How have you not tasted a burger in your entire life?”

”It was my father. He was very strict.” Castiel sighs, and Dean lets out a small ”Ahh”, as he understands what Castiel means.

”Well, you can eat it if you want. The burger, I mean. You seem to like it.” Dean says, and Cas turns to him, with his mouth full, again, and says, ”Really?”. Dean nods and Castiel mumbles ”Awesome” as he takes another bite.

It doesn't take Castiel long to notice that Dean isn't eating, and offers him his salad.

”Uh, thanks..” Dean says with a polite, but fake, smile. He's not that into salads, or as he likes to call it, 'rabbit food', but he could take it to Sammy..

Dean ends up not eating it, but puts it away for Sam. Castiel notices.

”You don't wanna eat it?” he asks, and Dean shakes his head.

”Naww. I'll give it to Sam, if that's alright with you? I probably won't have time to make dinner tonight.”

”Yes, of course, but .. You don't get to eat anything.” Castiel mutters and looks at the empty wrappers in his hands.

” It's okay I'll survive.”  _ I have enough fat in store to survive many nights without food _ .. Dean brushes it off with a cocky smile, but Castiel won't have none of it.

”No. I’ll buy you a new hamburger on the way home.”

”You wanna go home already?” Dean jokes, but is a little disappointed. He's had so much fun with Castiel that he's forgotten all about his anxieties. Castiel's presence is .. calming. Relaxing.

” No, no, I don't want to go home yet, but I'm afraid I  _ have  _ to go home. If it's alright with you.”

Dean understands, as it is getting kinda late, and he needs to pick up Sammy from Jess' house.

”Yeah, it's alright. I need to pick up Sammy anyway.”

They go to another drive in, and Castiel orders Dean a cheeseburger with extra cheese. Dean didn't accept it first, but Castiel insists since Dean is giving him a ride home.

 

\- -

 

When the Impala curves in front of Castiel's apartment complex, Dean's mouth falls open. ”Holy shit, that thing's like a castle”, he whistles, impressed.

Castiel  lives in a beautiful building on the corner of  East Longworth Grove  and North Bassie Viaduct, two relatively quiet streets near a subway station. The building itself is old, but well kept. The facade is a mix of old and new, ornate stonework flanked by modern looking windows, except for the arched ones on the first floor. Castiel had been lucky enough to get an apartment on the first floor with said large windows that let in lots of natural light. Those windows had been what had drawn cas to the building in the first place.

” It's even nicer from the inside. I'll show you sometime”, Castiel says bluntly with a suggestive smile on his face which makes Dean blush furiously.  _ Did he just..?! _

Castiel steps out of the Impala, closes door but leans down to look at Dean on the driver's seat.

”Thank you, Dean. I had a great time.”

”Y-Yeah, me too”, Dean replies, still blushing. He watches as Castiel disappears into the building and the drives off to pick up Sammy. He doesn't see Castiel looking behind him from one of the huge windows. Castiel disappears from the windows when the Impala is no longer in sight.

 

\- -

 

Cas dashes to his apartment and goes straight to the window to see Dean drive off. He doesn't even turn on the lights until the Impala is completely out of sight.

He hangs his trench coat and slumps to his couch with a sigh. He digs up the movie ticket from his wallet and observes it with a small smile on his face.

He reflects on what happened today. His plan to show Dean around town didn't pan out, but he doesn't mind because he had a wonderful time with him anyway. He saw his first science fiction movie, ate his first cheeseburger .. well, it was his very first  _ burger,  _ he realizes with a little laugh.

And it's all because of Dean. A young man he barely knows.  There’s so much more to Dean than what meets the eye, and Cas finds himself growing excited at the prospect of getting to know him better.  He can sense Dean’s reservations, the way he hesitates with him, and he can only surmise that he had been hurt in the past.  He glances down at the movie ticket once more and feels a strange curl of warmth in his chest.  He wants to get to know Dean better, and he can only hope that Dean felt the same way about him.  

Reluctantly, he gets up from the couch and heads in the direction of the bathroom.  He stops in front of the fridge and sticks the ticket onto its cool surface with a magnet before disappearing inside.  

 

\- -

 

When Dean finally gets home with Sam, they see that the lights downstairs are on, which can only mean..

”.. Dad's home.” Sam whispers solemnly.

”Yeah. Here take these,” Dean says and gives the white plastic bag with their food in it to Sam, ”and go straight upstairs. I'll check up on dad and come upstairs.”

”I hope he isn't too drunk..” Sam sighs as they exit the Impala and get inside the house.

Sam scatters quietly upstairs and Dean goes to the living room. John's not there, but in the kitchen, lying half awake on the table with empty beer cans and bottles surrounding him.

”You didn't go to the bar to get drunk?” Dean asks and John sits up as straight as he can manage.

” This is  _ my  _ house. I can drink here if I damn well please”, he grumbles back at Dean, voice slightly slurred.

”Yeah, well, I don't give a fuck where you drink, but we've got Sammy here, and I'm pretty sure he doesn't like it when you drink here, or drink at all for that matter!” Dean barks at his father, and gets only an angry scowl as a response. When John doesn't say anything, Dean turns to leave.

”I'm going to bed.”

A glass bottle hits the wall and shatters loudly, almost hitting Dean in the back of his head. It makes him jump, and he turns around to look at John who's still scowling.

Dean looks at the broken glass on his feet, and says, ”I'm not cleaning that up.” Then he turns to leave once again, but stops and says without looking at his father,

” Oh, and technically, this isn't your house. It's a rental”, and with that he leaves for good and goes upstairs.

Sam and Dean eat their food in tense silence. Dean wishes he could eat more. Talking with his dad when he's drunk always makes him wanna binge, but he can't go downstairs because dad's there.

After they're done, they brush their teeth and get to bed. They say their good nights, and despite what happened with his father, Dean feels oddly good. He finally stood up to his dad, and he feels good about Castiel as well. Maybe he finally has a potential  _ real  _ friend.

  
He lets himself hope.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, it occured to me that I could give you some general info.
> 
> Dean is 19 and his birthday is January 24th, just like in canon.  
> Castiel is 22 and his birthday is August 20th, which is Misha's birthday.  
> Sam is 11, so he's 8 years younger than Dean instead of 4. His birthday is May 2nd, just like in canon.
> 
> The town this fic takes place is North Haledon and it's purely fictional.
> 
> One of my betas asked why Dean hasn't left John because of his alcoholism and violent outbursts, but there will be an explanation later in the story, so stay tuned!


	4. Over the rain, over the pain

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'M SO SORRY IT TOOK ME SO LONG I'M SO SORRY please forgive me

“Son of a bitch!”

It's monday morning, and Sam is startled awake by his brother's shouting. He hops out of his bed and dashes to the bathroom where he heard the shout, but the door is locked.

“Dean? Are you okay?” He asks, worried, and knocks on the door.

“Yeah, I'm fine. Just stubbed my toe..” Dean calls back from the other side of the door.

Sam shrugs and goes back to their room leaving Dean alone once again.

Truth is, he didn't stub his toe. He had just finished weighing himself and discovered that he had gained four pounds. Four fucking pounds! Dean just doesn't get it.. He’s sure that he hasn't overeaten, so why? Or has he? He doesn't even know anymore. Upon closer inspection, the stretch marks on his belly have increased, especially around his navel. He hates the way it looks...the way they make him feel. 

Dean traces his fingers along the scars, and he can feel the slight rise of them. He looks at them again and scowls. He wonders if there's some sort of lotion that could help lighten them so they wouldn't stand out so much.  He hopes there is. He needs some, badly. Seeing the scars makes him feel so fat, because it's proof that his belly has grown more.

He decides to go to the pharmacy after school and ask about the lotion. If he can muster up the courage.

Dean takes a quick shower while Sam eats breakfast downstairs. Their dad had passed out on the kitchen floor during the night, and Dean had to carry John to his own room next to the kitchen before Sam woke up.

Dean dries himself quickly, and puts on his ”fat clothes”, which consist of a baggy black sweatshirt and baggy grey pants that don't show how his thighs rub together. The sweatshirt also covers his belly enough, so it makes him feel less self-conscious.

Because of his new stretch marks, Dean decides to skip breakfast.

\- -

After driving Sam to school, he drives to the college campus. Usually he'd take the bus, but now he has the Impala for him to use, so why not take the advantage of it? Plus, he barely gets to drive Baby because of his dad. John's promised to give the Impala to Dean someday, but it hasn't happened yet. He gets to drive her sometimes, though.

He parks the Impala in a vacant parking spot and turns off the engine. Instead of getting out, he sits still and listens to the ticking of the engine as it cools off.

He thinks of Castiel and their Saturday together. It was the best day he’d had since moving to North Haledon. He wishes he could gather up the courage to go and talk to Castiel, but..

Dean's forehead hits the steering wheel and he groans in frustration. He stays like that for a moment until he's startled by a tapping on the driver's side window.

His head snaps up and he sees Castiel.

“Hello, Dean” He greets his friend with a gentle smile. Dean gets out of the car and locks the door.

“Hey Cas. Didn't see you there.”

“Are you alright? You seem tired.” Cas asks him, and nudges his head towards the car. Dean understands what Cas is asking, and replies with a broad smile on his face, ”Yeah, I'm okay. I'm just a bit tired.” Yeah and crippled by self-hatred and anxiety, he thinks to himself.

”What's your first class today?” He asks, trying his best to speak with Dean.

”I, uh, I've got math. After that history.”

“Oh, I love history.”

”Mm-hmm.”

The conversation dies almost as quickly as it began, and Dean feels uncomfortable in the silence. He feels like he should say something, but what?

They walk in silence and Dean nervously fiddles with the strings of his sweatshirt. By the time they get to the gates, Dean has been through dozens of scenarios and ideas of what to say to Castiel, and how things could go, but his train of thought is interrupted by Castiel once again.

”Can I see you during lunch period?” He asks and makes Dean's breath hitch.

”S-Sure, but .. Yeah, okay.” Dean says and a small blush spreads on his face.

”My class is in the west wing, so we'll have to separate here. See you by the gates at lunch?” He asks and gestures to the direction of the gates they passed only moments ago.

”Yeah, sure. See you then, Cas.”

They go their separate ways, and as soon as Dean is out of sight, Cas is attacked by some of his teammates. ”Heeey, Castiel! Who was that?” One of them, Victor, asked.

“That was Dean. My new friend”, Cas simply answered as he kept walking towards the classroom.

“Isn't he the new guy who moved here not long ago? He seems kind of weird.”

Cas stops, and laughs. “Everyone seems weird to you, Leland.”

”I guess you're right”, Leland chuckles. Behind Cas, the rest of his his teammates are making fun of Dean by puffing out their cheeks and making big bellies by shoving their jackets under their shirts. Leland notices this and tries to get them to stop before Cas sees, but not without laughing himself.

\- -

It's finally lunchtime, and Dean keeps looking around for any sign of Cas. Dean thinks of going and searching for Cas himself, but ultimately decides not to and stays put instead, waiting for Castiel to come to him.

It doesn't take long for Cas to appear in Dean's line of vision. He seems to be talking to a young woman, definitely a student, with black wavy hair. Dean tries to get Cas' attention by waving to him, but he seems to be.. agitated as he talks to the young woman, but as soon as Castiel notices Dean from afar, a wide smile spreads across face.

”Dean!” he yells and waves, and sweeps through the crowd to get to Dean.

”Hey, Cas.” Dean greets him with a nod and Castiel leads them out of the campus.

”Aren't we going to the cafeteria?” Dean asks, confused.

”When the weather allows it, I like eating my lunch outside. Is that alright with you?”

”Yeah, sure. It's not a problem.”

They walk behind the campus and sit down on a curb. Castiel digs out his lunch from his satchel, and Dean takes his lunch from his canvas back bag. Dean feels a little out of place when he sees what Cas has for lunch; a tower sandwich that consists of three pieces of bread on top of each other and what appears to be chicken and all kinds of fresh vegetables in between the bread. Cucumber, bell pepper, red onion, tomatoes .. A real killer sandwich. His lunch however.. a simple pb&j sandwich with a bottle of water. It's like something you would find in the lunchbox of a kindergartner. On top of the sandwich that Cas has, he's got two hard boiled eggs in a tupperware container.

Dean takes a bite from his sad excuse of a sandwich and looks as Cas takes a small bite from one of his eggs.

Suddenly, the winds get stronger.

”Oh, I hope it doesn't rain yet.” Castiel says absentmindedly as he finishes eating the egg.

After a moment of pleasant silence, Dean speaks.

”So, Cas.. what's your family like? Besides your dad being a major buzzkill.”

Castiel takes a bite from his sandwich, swallows it and replies; ”I have a big family. Several big brothers, one little brother and one big sister. Oh, and dad, yeah.”

Dean notices the lack of mother on Cas' list, but he doesn't want to bring up a possibly painful topic.

”How many brothers do you have, then?” He asks instead.

”Eight. Anna's my big sister, and Samandriel is my younger brother. I'm the second youngest.” Castiel explains, and Dean's eyes widen.

”Holy shit that's a lot. How do you manage with all of them?” Dean laughs.

”It wasn't easy when I was a kid, but it's easier now. My oldest brother, Lucifer, caused a lot of trouble for my parents. Even my father couldn't control him in any way, so naturally he did a lot of stupid things.” Cas reminisces.

”Woah, woah, wait. Your brother's named after the devil?” Dean asks with a huge grin on his face, but with a hint of disbelief in his features.

”Technically he's named after the first archangel, not the devil. I was named after Cassiel, the angel of Thursday.

Dean stares him with his eyebrows furrowed.

”Are your parents some sort of religious-angelic fanatics?” He asks, half joking.

”They were extremely religious. All my siblings are named after angels.”

Dean notices the past tense Cas used, but doesn't dwell on it too much.

”I was named after my grandmother, Deanna. It's not as interesting as the background of your name, though.” Dean teases, and it makes Castiel chuckle lightly.

Castiel kind of wants to ask Dean about his mother, but he has no idea how the younger man will react after what happened at the library only a few weeks ago. He also doesn't want to intrude too much. Instead, he decides to ask an innocent enough question;

”Who was your brother named after?”

Dean snorts. ”You don't care about that.”

”I do care, Dean. I really enjoy talking to you.” Cas smirks and his devious smile makes Dean blush.

”Sam's named after my grandfather, Samuel.”

”I think it was nice of your parents to honor their own parents like that.”

”They were mom's parents. I've never met them, though. They died before I was born.”

”I'm sorry, I'm sure they were – ”

Castiel is interrupted by the growling on Dean's stomach. ”Are you still hungry?” he asks from Dean, who looks mortified.

”Y-yeah, a bit maybe..” Dean mumbles and covers his middle with his arms, and leans forward.

”Do you want the rest of my sandwich and the second egg? I have protein drinks I can drink after practice.” Castiel smiles as he offers the rest of his lunch to Dean, who eyes it with hungry but hesitant eyes.

”I-I think I'll live. Thanks though.” Dean says, declining Castiel's offer. Castiel shrugs and puts the lunch away.

”Alright. If you’re still hungry later, you’re more than welcome to have them.” Castiel says, and before Dean can say anything, Cas takes a look at his wristwatch and notices that his class is about to begin.

”Can I see you after practice? It starts at 3 pm and lasts for about two hours.” He asks as they get up from the bench.

”Sure. I can go and study at the library during your practice.”

”Sounds perfect. Should I come and get you?” he asks, but Dean shakes his head.

”Naww, that's alright. I'll come to the field at some point and we can do whatever.” Dean says as he adjusts the bag strap on his shoulder.

”Sounds like a plan. See you then?”

”Yeah, see you then.”

\- -

When Dean checks the time, it's 4:39 pm. He closes his math book, gathers his things and starts to make his way to the field – to Cas. He walks fast and in minutes he's at the field. The soccer team is practising their kicking, and Dean can't tear his eyes away from Cas, who looks determined and focused as he kicks the ball, but smiles broadly when he scores.

Dean doesn't really do sports, or watch any, so he has no idea what the rules are, but he enjoys watching Cas.

He goes to sit by the bleachers and waits for practice to end.

And it ends – 45 minutes later, but Dean doesn’t even get bored because he had been staring at Cas the entire time. He knows Castiel is having the biggest game of the year when their team plays against a school from a neighboring town. Apparently there's some animosity between the two towns and instead of petty bickering, they settle the score on the field.

The coach makes the team run around the field for one last lap, and that's when he sees Dean, and waves to him. Dean smiles and waves back.

After showering and quickly drying off, Cas runs to the bleachers to meet Dean.

”How long have you been here?” He asks

”A little over an hour, but that's okay. I was having fun watching you.” Dean smiles.

”Would you like to come watch me play this weekend? It's the last game of the year and it's supposed to be a big deal. I can get you a ticket if you'd like.” Castiel says nonchalantly, but hopes that Dean will say yes.

”Sure, why not. Is it cool if I bring Sam?”

“Of course. I'd love to meet him. I'll get two tickets for you.”

They leave the field, and as they're walking towards the campus gates, Dean asks: ”So, what are we gonna do?”

“Well, I was wondering if we could go to the Lunchbox Teas again?”

”Sure.. that sounds good.”

Instead of taking the Impala, they decide to walk.

They go sit by the table they were sitting in last time, and Castiel goes to order for them. The café is relatively empty – only a couple of customers including them. It suits Dean just fine. The less people are around, the better.

When Cas returns with a tray that holds a cup of tea for himself, a cup of coffee for Dean and two big slices of some sort of cake. He can just feel his anxiety shoot through the roof...after gaining four pounds, he really doesn't want to eat anything. But on the other hand he'd kill for a chance to stuff his face with anything and everything right now. He's afraid eating the cake will trigger a binge.

”Here, I got us some carrot cake. It's made today, so it's almost fresh from the oven.” he says as he places the decorated wooden tray down and sits.

”You didn't have to do that..” Dean tries to smile.

“I wanted to. I want you to taste all of their cakes and pies, they're fantastic.” Castiel says and takes a sip from his tea. Dean looks down at the carrot cake. It does look delicious, but..

He takes a bite from it, and it is delicious. Dean closes his eyes and moans a little, making Cas almost choke on his tea.

”Oh, right. Cas?”

”Y-yes?”

“Do you know where I could get a job?”

“You want a job?”  
Dean nods. 

”Why don't you ask here? They're looking for extras pretty often, especially around Christmas.”

“I guess it wouldn't hurt. Maybe I will.”

A comfortable silence falls between them, but Dean breaks it.

”Cas?”

”Hmm?”

”You really don’t have to buy me all these cakes and pies .. I really shouldn’t be eating any.”

“Why not?”

“Well, in case you haven't noticed, I'm fat..”

”You're not fat.” Castiel says bluntly, not even thinking about it. ”You're maybe a bit on the heavier side, but so what? You're nowhere near fat. I think you look just fine as you are.”

”Pssh, yeah right..”

”No, I'm being honest here. When I saw you at the library back then, I thought you were cute. I still do.” he says nonchalantly and takes another sip from his tea. But when he gets no response from Dean, he looks at him. His eyes are wide and his face is noticeably red.

”What?” Cas asks.

”Y-y-you can't say stuff like that! It's embarrassing!” Dean stammers.

”How come?”

”C'mon, Cas. We're both dudes! You just don't say stuff like that..”

”Why not?”

Okay, now Dean is getting pissed off.

“It's not right!” He blurts out and immediately regrets it. He can feel his pulse and breathing quickening, and heat rising to his face.

“And why is that? Are you homophobic?”

“No! I’m not homophobic. Of course not, I'm just, well.. it's embarrassing .. for me. I don't get complimented often. Scratch that, I never get complimented.” After that, Dean goes quiet and looks down at the table, not meeting Castiel's gaze. It’s getting harder tries to slow down his breathing, but it doesn’t work. He hears Castiel’s voice, but it’s all nonsense to him.

His face feels hot. The café, its staff and customers are starting to blur in Dean's vision and his heartbeat is beating loudly in his ears. Cas is saying something again, but Dean can't hear anything. Just white noise.

He feels trapped. He can't calm his breathing no matter how hard he tries. He can't breathe.

He needs to get out.

Dean stands up abruptly and staggers out of the cafe as fast as he can, but to him it's still too slow. Everything slows down around him. He can hear someone yelling something after him, but he can't understand it.

\- -

Castiel notices how nervous Dean looks,  the way his breathing speeds up.

”Dean? Are you alright? I'm sorry - -” but is soon interrupted by Dean standing up so fast he nearly falls over, the chair he sat on falling over with a loud bang and in a flash Dean is out of the café, Castiel yelling after him, calling his name.

”Dean!” Castiel stands up, picks up Dean's chair and dashes after him.

When Castiel steps out to the street, Dean is nowhere in sight. His heart is beating faster as he thinks of Dean out here in his condition. He looks around and spies a huge dumpster in the back alley next to the café and decides to check it out.

As it turns out, Castiel can hear someone breathing fast and shallow and as he slowly peeks behind the dumpster, he finds Dean, crying and slowly rocking himself back and forth, his face hidden by his arms. He kneels down to the ground in front of Dean and reaches for him, but he's afraid he'll make Dean's state worse so he draws back. ”Dean”, He says gently, but gets a broken sob in return. ”Dean, I'm going to touch you now, okay?” He asks, but gets no response. Castiel slowly and carefully places his hands on Dean's shaking fists and opens his arms to reveal Dean's tear stained face. It makes Castiel's heart wrench in concern.

He gently cups Dean’s face in his palms and brushes away the teardrops from his cheeks, but in vain, as new ones fall. Cas takes Dean's glasses off and asks him to open his eyes. He doesn't. He just continues to cry.

Castiel doesn't know what's Dean's policy with personal space, but he knows that hugging helps, so he decides to try it. He shifts next to Dean and takes him into his arms.    
Dean does not resist, and allows Cas to pull him into a warm embrace.  

”Dean, if you can hear me, breathe with me. Take a deep breath, and hold it .. one, two, three.. And let it go. In …” Castiel takes deep, slow breaths and notices that Dean does try, but fails, ”and out. Again. In, and out..”

Castiel's happy to see that Dean's breathing has calmed down. 

Dean hiccups a couple of times, but his crying has lessened to a steady flow of silent tears.  He continues to rock himself back and forth, and Cas rocks with him.

After what seems like hours, Dean finally speaks.

”Sorry..” His voice is hoarse and low. 

Castiel shakes his head.  ”You have nothing to be sorry about. I do, however.”

”H-how come?” Dean hiccups and looks up at Cas, who only holds him tighter.

”It seems I triggered your panic attack. I'm sorry, I was only joking, I had no idea..”

”It – it's okay. It h-haaappens pretty often.” Dean says, trying to keep his breath from hiccuping.

”Do you know why?”

Dean shakes his head.  

After sitting a while on the dirty, cold ground, Dean starts to shake.

”Are you cold? Can you stand?” he asks and gets a slow nod as an answer. 

They stand up, slowly, all the while Dean is holding onto Cas like a lifeline. Still having Dean in his arms, Castiel asks.

”Are you okay now?”

Dean nods.

”I'm going to hold you a little longer, just in case.” Castiel says and takes Dean properly in his arms, fully hugging him. Dean tenses at first, but eventually relaxes, lowers his forehead to rest on Castiel's shoulder.  His knees shake, and he grips onto Castiel even tighter. 

Cas feels it, and he pulls Dean closer.  

”Come on, I'll take you to my place and make you a nice, big cup of tea.” he says, wanting to take Dean somewhere safe, but Dean shakes his head.

”I wanna go home.” Dean says, his voice muffled by Castiel's jacket, sounding like a scared child in Castiel's ears.

”Okay, okay, I'll take you home. It's okay.”

They go back inside the café, Castiel picks up their things and calls a cab for them. He'll worry about Dean's Impala later.

Dean gives the driver his address, and the cab is on its way to Dean's house.

\- -

The cab pulls to the short driveway in front of the garage, and Castiel takes a look at the house. It's blue, two floors and it looks worse for wear. It looks like it hasn't been taken care of in years and the yard is wild with overgrown grass and autumn leaves that haven't been raked away. But Castiel doesn't dwell on it for too long, because Dean is getting out of the cab. Castiel tells the driver to wait.

”Dean, are you feeling better?” He asks.

”Yeah, thanks.. sorry about what happened.” Dean says and looks down at the ground, his eyes red and swollen from crying.

”You have nothing to be sorry for, Dean. Just .. take care of yourself, alright?” Castiel smiles sadly.

”I'll try.”

Dean opens the front door, stops and looks back at Cas, who's still standing in the driveway. Dean waves to him awkwardly and Cas waves back. Castiel doesn't go back to the cab until Dean's inside the house.

\- -

Once Dean is inside the house, he goes straight to bed. Sam asks what's wrong, but Dean just grunts in response.

”It's not even 7 yet. Why are you in bed?” He asks instead.

”I'm tired, Sam. Can we do this another time?” Dean says as he curls up in his bed, with all his clothes on. He doesn't even bother to change into his pyjamas and only a few minutes later, he's sound asleep.

\--

As soon as Cas gets home, he brews himself a cup of tea in an attempt to calm his nerves. He hasn't witnessed a panic attack in years, but whenever he witnesses one, it always leaves him feeling a little shaken.

He walks to the living room and lights a few candles.  He sits down on the windowsill  and notices it's started raining. Normally he'd enjoy the rain, but now it just makes him feel a little bit melancholic. He's debating mentally with himself if he should send Dean a message or not, asking if he's alright but Cas knows some people prefer to be left alone.

After finishing his tea, he walks sluggishly to his bathroom and starts to fill up his bathtub. He hasn't had a bath in a while, but he figures after what happened today he deserves one.

He has to apologize to Dean if the younger boy manages to come to school tomorrow in the first place.

Eventually Cas decides to sends Dean a quick message.

”Are you okay? I'm sorry about what happened and I want to make it up to you. I hope you'll be able to get some sleep.”

As he types the message, he realizes that he's done pretty much nothing but hurt Dean since they met. Asking about his mother in the library and now this? He really has some redeeming to do.

Cas waits all evening for a reply from Dean, but gets none. It makes him feel uneasy, but he can only hope that Dean's okay. 

He falls asleep with green eyes and freckles on his mind.


	5. The Way You Make Me Feel

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HI and sorry for being such a slowpoke, but I hope you'll find it in your heart to forgive me. u_u

Dean doesn't show up for school the next day, or the day after that. It's now Thursday and Cas is getting worried.

It's possible that Dean _is_ here, but Cas just hasn't seen him, though he’s kept an eye out for him all week.  He hasn't heard from Dean either, never getting a reply to his text. Cas considered visiting Dean yesterday, but figured that he would rather be left alone, but now it's already _Thursday._ The Impala is gone from the parking lot, so it must mean that he _did_ come to the campus at some point.

Cas hasn't been able to focus on any of his classes or even his soccer practice. He decides to stop by Dean's house if the younger man doesn't show up to school tomorrow. He wonders if  he should bring something for Dean to cheer him up.

\- -

Since Monday night, Dean has spent most of his time in his bed.  He’s gotten up to make sure that Sam goes to school and to grab a bite to eat, but as soon as he’s done, he dives right back into his bed, hiding beneath the covers. He does his best to avoid his father.  He knows he doesn’t have the strength to deal with him, or to listen to his endless bickering.  Luckily for him, his father spends most of his free time at a bar downtown.  Dean finds himself sending up a silent prayer of thanks for small blessings.  

Sam doesn’t know that his brother hasn’t been going to school.  When he gets home and realizes that Dean is already there, Dean just shrugs him off and tells him that his evening classes have been cancelled. The last thing Dean needs  is Sam knowing how weak and pathetic he is.

Yesterday, while  his  father  was at the bar and Sammy was at school, he  ate nearly everything in their fridge. When he had finished with the stuff in the fridge, he had moved on to the cupboards, and he had quickly cleaned them out for every last morsel of food.  He needs to go to the grocery to buy more things, but he’s having a hard time convincing himself to get out of bed.  He spends most of his time sleeping, and when he can’t sleep, he curls up on his side and listens to music.  It’s the only thing that makes him feel somewhat better.

Reluctantly he drags himself out of  bed. He rubs his tired eyes and shuffles to the bathroom. He looks at himself in the mirror and isn't really surprised by what he sees. He has bags under his eyes, and his hair is a greasy mess.  He blinks and his eyes burn.  He can barely keep them open. He splashes some cold water onto his face, in an attempt to wake himself up.

It doesn't work.

If it weren't for Sammy, Dean would just stay in bed and waste away. That'd be better for everyone. Then he wouldn't have to see the loathing in his father's eyes every time he looks at him He knows that John blames him for Mary’s death. He blames himself for it, too. He knows that if it weren't for him, she would still be alive.

Dean descends the stairs slowly, one step at a time. He grabs his jacket and is out of the door. The Impala is gone and that can only mean one thing: John Winchester must be at the bar. As much as Dean dislikes John driving while drunk, he dislikes being his designated driver even more.

Fortunately, the grocery store isn't too far away, so he can walk. He digs an old mp3-player out of his jacket's pocket and silences the outside world with music. When the headphones are in his ears Dean finally feels at peace. When he closes his eyes, it's even better. Sometimes, going out in public and dealing with large masses of people makes him nervous, and music is the only thing that calms him down.  He doesn’t know what he would do without it.   

He wishes he could listen to music _all the time_ , but that's not possible.

Dean arrives at the grocery store about thirty minutes later. Usually it would  take him ten, maybe fifteen minutes to get there, but Dean wasn’t in any hurry and he walked slowly, shoulders hunched over, eyes glued to the ground. The store is quiet at this time of the day and it suits him just fine. There are some older people shuffling between the shelves and mothers with their children. They don’t bother him.

Younger teenagers are what makes his skin crawl, because kids can be incredibly cruel. He knows he's older than them, but he's suffered years of torture from teenagers so he can't help but feel nervous around them. Especially the kids who gather up in big groups and hang out in front of a grocery store, for example. Whenever there's a group of teenagers in front of a store, Dean can't help but feel a bit anxious when he walks past them. Today there's no teenagers around, so Dean doesn't have to worry about that.

Dean gathers up everything he needs and goes to the check out. Milk, eggs, bread, cheap noodles.. As he's paying, he notices a ”Wanted”-ad on a bulletin board next to the cash register. He takes the headphones off of his ears, and asks:

”Are you hiring?”

The cashier looks at him, confused, so Dean points to the ad.

”Oh, yes!” The red headed cashier says with a wide smile . ”The manager isn't here right now, but you can leave your application with me or any other employee and the manager will contact you as soon as he can.”

Dean thanks her, writes down the info on the ad and heads back home.

When he gets back, he notices that it's almost 2 pm, which means that Sam'll be home soon, so he quickly puts the groceries away and starts preparing a snack for Sam and himself. It's nothing special: an omelette for Sam and a quick sandwich for himself.

He hears Sammy come in and calls him to the kitchen.

”Can I go hang out with Jess?” Sam asks as soon as he enters the kitchen.

”Sure, but you gotta eat first.”

”No thanks, I'll eat at Jess' place. Her mom's a great cook. Jess said it's okay.”

Dean feels a pang of jealousy and hurt, but he doesn't have any reasons not to let Sam go and hang out with Jess.

As quickly as Sam came home, he's gone again. It makes Dean sad, but he’s glad that his little brother has a friend to spend time with. He sits down, eats his sandwich and ends up making 6 more. He also eats Sam's omelette, because he doesn't want to throw it away. He could have saved it for later, but he's sure that Sam won't be hungry by the time he gets home.

**\- -  
  
**

Thursday turns into Friday and there's still no sight of Dean.

It makes him incredibly anxious, the fact that Dean hasn't been to school in several days. He decides to skip his last two classes and go to Dean's house to see if he's alright. He knows he's going to be late for practice but he doesn't care. Right now, his main priority is checking in on Dean and he's upset at himself for not doing it earlier.

Cas knows running in the hallways isn't allowed, so he walks as fast as he can. He walks past some of his teammates and they holler behind him, ”Hey Novak, we've got practice!” but Castiel ignores them and turns behind a corner, disappearing from their sight. When he's outside, he starts running to the bus stop. When he gets there, he checks the bus schedule and sees that the bus that drives closest to Dean's house comes in ten minutes. He chuckles to himself, because he really didn't need to run, but he couldn't help it. He wants to see Dean as soon as possible.

As he waits for the bus, his mind starts to wander. He doesn't really know Dean, but he still feels a strong pull towards him. Not only physical attraction, but he wants to wrap his arms around Dean, make him smile, cook for him and take care of him, like when he took care of his sister, Anna.

Cas sees some similarities between the two. The only difference is that Cas doesn't _have to_ take care of Dean. He _wants to,_ especially after witnessing Dean's panic attack. It was the opposite with Anna. He doesn't blame his sister for that, though. He knows that her sickness made her more dependent on others and the only one she trusted was Cas.

They don't know each other that well yet, but Cas already considers Dean to be his friend and wants to be there for Dean.

Cas is so deep in thought that he almost misses the bus when it arrives.

\- -

If you ask Cas, the bus ride takes _forever,_ but he’s finally here. Well, not exactly, but he’s as close as the bus' route goes. It’s only a five minute walk to Dean’s house, and he takes his time, not running like earlier.

He remembers what Dean’s house looks like, but doesn't remember exactly where it is.  He finally makes the turn onto Dean’s street and begins to observe the houses, looking for the right one.  Eventually he sees it - it’s the fourth one on the right.  

Cas walks up to the front door and peeks inside through a window. He doesn’t see much, except for a clutter of shoes and coats and a set of steps leading up to the second floor.

He hears someone running and quite suddenly, the door opens. The person staring at him is not Dean, so he assumes it must be his younger brother, Sam.  

Sam observes Cas warily before speaking to him.  ”Can I help you?”

Cas smiles at  him, in an attempt to show the younger boy that he means no harm. ”Yes, you can, actually. Is your brother home? I'm .. his friend from school.”

Sam's eyes widen a little at the mention of ”friend”, but Cas decides not to think too much of it.

”He's upstairs, but I don't know if he wants to see anyone.”

”Could you go ask him? I'd really appreciate it.” Cas asks and tries his best not to appear too intimidating.

Sam nods, invites Cas in and runs up the stairs, leaving him standing alone at  the front door.

\--

Sam gets to their room, and goes beside his brother's bed. Dean is wrapped up in the covers, like in a cocoon, with only his hair sticking out.

”Dean? Someone’s here to see you.”

Dean groans and unfolds himself from the covers and looks at Sam with tired eyes.

”Who is it?”

”He said his name is Cas.  He says.. he says he’s a friend?” Sam asks hesitantly. He waits to see Dean’s reaction. Since they’ve moved, he’s never had any friend over, and Sam can’t help but feel happy for his big brother.

 _What the hell's he doing here?_ Dean frowns, but gets out of the bed a little faster than normal and it doesn’t go unnoticed by Sam, who has a little smile on his lips.  He puts on his glasses and follows Sam downstairs.

\- -

Cas can hear Sam and Dean upstairs, but can't make out what they're saying. Moments later Sam comes down the stairs, with a very tired looking Dean behind him. Dean's wearing a faded AC/DC shirt and loose pants. His shirt has run up his belly a little, showing a little bit of the soft pudge, and his hair is messy, but the sight is very endearing to Cas. Dean looks like he just woke up.

 

 

”Hello, Dean.” Cas greets him with a smile, which in returns earns him a smile from Dean.

”Hey, Cas. What are you doing here?” Dean asks, pulls his shirt down and folds his arms.

”I've been worried about you. I haven't seen you in school or heard anything from you since Monday.”

Dean looks down at the wooden floor beneath his bare feet. ”I'm fine, Cas. Just a bit tired, that's all.”

Cas squints his eyes, trying to determine whether Dean is lying or telling the truth. After a panic attack like that, no one would feel just ” _fine”_. Of course, it's been a few days since it had happened, but from his experiences with Anna, the after effects of a panic attack could last for quite some time.

”Alright then,” Cas says and decides that if Dean wants to talk about it, he'll make the first move.

”Ah, damn.” Cas groans suddenly. ”I meant to bring you something as an apology and to cheer you up, but I forgot.”  He stares at the floor in disappointment and curses silently.

Dean blinks and his mouth hangs slightly open. When he looks at Cas he sees genuine disappointment on his face.  

 _He really did want to bring me a gift.._ Dean realizes.

”It's okay, Cas. I feel a bit better now that you're here,” Dean blurts and Cas turns to look at him, eyes wide. Then he smiles.

”Do you wanna come in? I can make you some tea or whatever,” Dean says as he plays with the hem of his shirt.

”Of course. Thank you, Dean. Coffee would be nice.”

Dean gives Cas space to come in. Cas closes the door and takes off his shoes and trench coat.

”You can go to the kitchen while I go and change into something more appropriate. Kitchen's just through the living room.” Dean says, and as he takes a step towards the stairs, Cas stops him.

”You don't have to change. This is your home and you can wear whatever you like. Don't go and change because of me, unless you really want to.”

Dean stares at Cas for a minute and studies his face.

”Well, if it doesn't bother you..”

”It really doesn't. You should be able to be comfortable in your own home,” Cas says and follows Dean to the kitchen through the living room.

Dean gestures him to sit and starts making the coffee. It doesn't take long and soon, Cas has a big mug of coffee in front of him. Dean offers him milk and sugar, but he declines.

”I drink my coffee black”, he says, smiling politely.

Dean nods and pours some milk to his own mug.  He adds four sugar cubes and begins to stir it around. ”I, uh, I'm sorry, it’s not that fancy. It's the cheapest I could find so it might taste a little weird.” Dean says. He's used to the taste of the cheap coffee, but he wants to warn Cas beforehand.

”It's okay. I'm fine with any kind of caffeine.” Cas smiles and takes a measured sip. It does taste a little odd, but it's nothing he can't handle. He watches as Dean takes a long sip from his cup, with his eyes closed and he lets out a pleased little hum.

”I swear to God, I couldn't live without coffee.” Dean laughs, opens his eyes and sees Cas staring at him with his lips curved up in a fond smile.

”It is good, yes. I couldn't function without it in the morning.” Cas chuckles.

”Me neither!” Dean exclaims with a huge, open smile on his face. Cas smiles back at him and they drink the rest of their drinks in pleasant silence.

”Hey, Cas?” Dean asks, breaking the silence. ”Are you busy tonight?” He asks as he puts their empty mugs away.

”No, I have nothing planned. Why?” Cas asks, hoping that this is going where he thinks it is.

”I was, uh, just wondering if you'd like to stay and watch a movie with me and Sam?” Dean asks and his cheeks redden noticeably.

”Sure, I'd like that. What were you going to watch?”

Dean smiles, happy that Cas wants to stay. ”Indiana Jones and the Raiders of the Lost Ark. You haven't seen it, right?” He asks and Cas shakes his head.

”No, but if it's a movie that you enjoy, I'm sure I'll enjoy it as well.” Cas smiles. He _did_ like that Star Trek movie they saw, after all.

”Sammy!” Dean yells, ”Cas is gonna stay and watch the movie with us!”

Cas can hear Sam yell an ” _Okay!”_ from upstairs.

”Okay, that's settled then. I'm sorry we don't have any movie snacks or anything,” Dean says with a small frown on his face.

”That's okay, Dean. I can go and purchase some, if you'd like. There store nearby is still open, right?”

”Yeah, it is, but you don't - -”

”- - have to. Yes, I know, but I _want_ to” Cas smiles and continues, ”Besides, movie night isn't complete without snacks, correct?”

”I guess you're right.” Dean chuckles.

”I won't take long. What would you like me to get?” Cas asks as they walk towards the front door.  He stops to put his trench coat and shoes on.

”Nothing too expensive,” Dean replies, not wanting Cas to spend too much of his money. He really needs to repay Cas one day..

Before Cas opens the front door, he turns and says: ”I'll be back soon.”

He's out of the house and jogs the entire way to the store, in an attempt to save some time.

  
\- -

  
Half an hour later, Cas is back at the Winchester's house and knocks the door. He would've called Dean and told him that he's gonna be late, but apparently his phone is in his satchel. This time Dean opens the door and gapes at Cas and the two grocery bags he's carrying.

”Did you buy the entire store?!”

”I didn't know what you liked, so I bought enough for you to choose from.” Cas says and steps inside, giving the bags to Dean so he can take off his coat and shoes. They go to the kitchen to unpack the bags and Sam comes downstairs to see what Cas brought with him.

Dean's eyes bug out when he starts unpacking: A huge bar of chocolate, two bags of different chips and microwave popcorn, three Butterfingers, two large bags of candy; one with gummi bears and one with assorted candy and a blueberry pie.

”What's this for?” Dean asks and takes the pie in his hands, eyeing it.

”That's for you, as an apology for what happened on Monday. I didn't know what kind of pie you like, so I just bought this one.”

”No worries,” Sam chimes in ”Dean’s pretty equal opportunity when it comes to pie. He's not picky.”

”Okay, that's good then.” Cas says and smiles when he notices that Dean is blushing again.

They stare at each other for a while and Sam looks between Dean and Cas as they continue to stare. He grows impatient and clears his throat.

”Can we get this thing going?”

”Oh, of course. Sorry..” Dean mumbles an apology and starts to take bowls of various sizes from the cupboards. ”Why don't you go get the movie ready while me and Cas prepare the snacks?”

Sam nods and disappears into the living room.

Dean makes the popcorn and Cas helps him by preparing everything else. He takes a little bit of everything and puts them in different bowls. While the popcorn is popping in the microwave, Dean helps Cas carry the bowls in the living room. They don't have a table in there, so they put the snacks down to the floor. When the microwave dings, Dean goes to take the popcorn out.

When he's back, he takes a couch cushion, gives one to Cas and they sit down to the floor using them as makeshift seats. They lean back on the couch so they can sit without having to hunch over. Sam on the other hand opts to lie down in front of them with a cushion under his arms.

When Sam puts the movie in the DVD-player, Dean hopes the piece of junk will actually work this time. It's an old thing and has served its purpose well over the years, but lately it's been very unpredictable. Dean sighs when the title menu appears on the screen. _So far so good_ , he thinks, but now the player needs to work through the entire movie and not crap out like it sometimes does.

  
\- -  
  
  
The DVD-player manages to play the entire movie and almost two hours later, it ends, with most of their snacks already gone. Cas isn't much of a snacker, but apparently Dean is since he was munching on something the whole time, but that's why Cas bought the snacks: For Sam and Dean and it makes him happy that they're enjoying them.

He does, however, want to taste the pie he bought for Dean. It's store bought and not from a bakery, so he'd like to see if it's any good.

”Hey, Dean?” Cas begins, getting Dean's attention as the younger man turns to face him. ”Do you still have any pie left?” He continues and Dean shies away from his gaze with a blush on his face.

”I... I already ate it. Sorry.” Dean mumbles, still avoiding Cas' gaze.

”It's okay, it's okay. I did buy it for you, after all.” Cas consoles Dean and puts a hand on his shoulder, squeezing it. It earns him a tiny smile from Dean.

”Can we watch a second movie?” Sam turns and asks from the two.

Cas takes a glance from his watch and it's only 6.pm. He tells Dean the time, who seems to think about it.

”I don't see why not. What should we watch?” Dean asks from Sam and Cas, who has no idea what to watch so he looks at Sam if the young boy has any suggestions.

”Um, if it's alright with you two .. can we watch Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s  Stone?”

”Sure, I'm game. Go get the DVD.” Dean tells Sam who smiles and dashes upstairs to fetch the movie. Dean bought the movie for Sam's birthday, but they need to keep the movie hidden because their dad would tell Sam that he's a loser for liking something like that.

A moment later Sam runs down the stairs, puts the DVD to the player and presses play. Cas has heard of the Harry Potter franchise, but he's never really looked into it so he's excited to see the movie.

  
\- -  
  
  
During the Harry Potter movie Cas feels more relaxed and finds himself enjoying some of the snacks he bought. Dean has a bowl of popcorn on his lap and Cas' hands sneaks into the bowl every once in a while.  
  
  
\- -  
  
  
After the movie is over, all of the snacks are gone and Dean feels absolutely stuffed. His belly feels tight and uncomfortable and when Cas stands up, he remains on the floor with a grimace on his face. Cas notices it and asks:

”Are you okay?”

”I'm fine, I'm fine. Just ate too much.” Dean groans.

Cas chuckles and crouches next to Dean. ”Come on, I'll help you to the couch.” He says and Dean hesitates, but extends his arms towards Cas and the older man helps him up from the floor and down to the couch. Sam takes the movie back upstairs and Cas starts gathering the empty bowls from the floor.

”Cas, you don't have to do that..” Dean whines and is about to get up from the couch and help Cas, but Cas turns sharply to glare at him. When Dean lowers himself back to a laying position, Cas' eyes soften and he smiles.

”I don't want you to over exert yourself, you might get cramps. Rest, I'll handle this.” He says, and continues to gather the bowls from the floor. Dean nods and closes his eyes with a long sigh.

Cas takes a look at the time, and his watch shows that it's a little after 8 pm. He can vaguely hear Sam taking a shower upstairs and thinks maybe it's time for him to go home.. But first he'll deal with the dishes. Cas carries all of the bowls to the kitchen counter and notices that there's no dishwasher. He shrugs and decides to wash them himself.

When he's done with the dishes, Cas returns to the living room and sees that Dean is still laying on the couch and his eyes are closed. Cas kneels next to Dean and studies his face intently. He can count the freckles on Dean's face, but gives up after messing up his count. He admires how peaceful the younger man looks in his sleep. Cas wants to run his hand through Dean's hair but he's afraid of waking Dean up. So, he settles on just looking.

He loses the track of time, but after what feels like an eternity, Dean slowly opens his eyes. When he sees Cas staring at him, he jolts to a full awareness.

”Jesus, Cas!” He yells. ”You scared the crap out of me..”

Dean sits up and Cas doesn't take his eyes off of him.

”I'm sorry, I was just checking if you were sleeping.” Cas half lies, because at first he _was_ just checking if Dean was asleep or not.

”I guess I dozed off for a minute..” Dean yawns and stands up.

”Dean, I'm afraid I have to go home. Tomorrow is the game and I have to wake up early.”

”Oh, right..” Dean says, feeling a little disappointed. He enjoyed watching the movies with Cas because he was so into them. Dean also noticed that he feels unusually comfortable around Cas. Maybe it's his calm demeanor?

”You're still coming to watch, right?” Cas asks, hopeful.

”Yeah, of course.” Dean smiles.

They walk the few steps it takes to get to the hall  and Cas starts to put on his shoes and trench coat. He then picks up his satchel from the floor and takes his wallet from his coat's pocket and takes two tickets from it.

”Here, so you can get in.” Cas says and gives the tickets to Dean, who thanks him with a smile and a nod, and then Cas opens the front door.

”Good night, Dean. I had fun.” Cas says and turns to leave.

”Yeah, me too.” Dean smiles and closes the door.

He's almost upstairs when he hears knocking. He hurries down the stairs, opens the door and sees Cas standing in front of him with a blush on his cheeks, mouth slightly open.

”Dean..” He starts, but bows his head and rubs the back of his neck.

”Cas..?” Dean says, gesturing for Cas to continue.

”I know we've been out a couple of times, but they've always ended with you being hurt and that kills me. I don't know if you consider me as a friend but I think of you as a friend, whose eyes are ridiculously green and big and - -” Cas blabbers and Dean has no idea where Cas is going with this.

”Cas – Cas, calm down.” Dean tries to calm him down. Cas takes a deep breath, and it seems to work.

”Okay, yeah. What I wanted to say is that I'd like to take you out and have fun without anyone being hurt so.. would you like to go out with me sometime?” Cas asks, blush spreading to his whole face and neck. Before Dean can answer, Cas continues: ”Like, on a date.”

”A date?” Dean repeats, skeptically.

”Yeah, I mean, I really like you and --”

”Are you joking?” Dean snaps.

”Uh, what? Dean, no --”

”Because if you are, then it's not funny. At _all_.” Dean's voice shakes and Cas can see tears welling up in his eyes.

”No, no, Dean! I'm serious!” Cas panics, reaches out to grab Dean’s wrist and tries to look him in the eyes, but Dean keeps his head down.

”I'm serious.” Cas says again, but more sternly. Dean sniffs and finally looks up into Cas' eyes with his own, red rimmed eyes.

”Really?” He asks, still doubtful.

”Really.” Cas says with a smile.

After a moment of thinking, Dean nods.

”Sure, why not.”

A bigger smile spreads on Cas' face and it makes Dean smile as well.

”I gotta go now. Let's talk more about it later, okay?” Cas asks, cradles Dean's face with his hands and gently wipes away a tear that has fallen down on Dean’s cheek. The younger man seems to melt from his touch

”Yeah.” Dean whispers.

They stand like that for a while, before Cas clears his throat and steps away from Dean. ”I'll see you tomorrow.” he says and turns to leave.

”Yeah, see you.” Dean says quietly as he watches Cas walk away. He closes the door, leans against it and as he realizes what just happened, he can't help but let out an excited laugh. He's never been on a date before, and he can't wait.

  
\- -  
  
  
Cas walks to the bus stop with light steps and a big grin on his face. It's been a long time since he's felt like this about someone and though he’s a little nervous, he’s more excited than anything.

Now he only has to figure out what they'll do on their date. They've been to the movies, they've had coffee…

Well, he'll think of something.


	6. Rockin' around the Christmas tree

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HAPPY HOLIDAYS EVERYONE!! :D As a gift, I wrote you a longer chapter. Enjoy!
> 
> Oh, and I've never really celebrated "traditional" Christmas, so I apologize for any mistakes in that area. ^^;

Winning the soccer match wasn't very high on his list of priorities, but Cas couldn't help cheering along with his teammates when they won. Who wouldn't want to celebrate after winning the biggest game of the year?

In fact, Cas was so happy that he ran over to where  Dean and Sam were sitting and gave Dean a crushing hug that had the younger man blushing furiously.  Cas was so caught up in the moment, he didn’t notice the looks of confusion on his teammates faces.

It’s been two weeks since the game, and now Christmas is right around the corner. Cas still hasn't figured out where to take Dean on their date, but fortunately Dean's been very understanding and hasn't pushed the issue. He thinks about having the date during their Christmas break, but he's not sure.  He doesn't know Dean's plans and doesn't want to mess them up.

Thinking about Dean's Christmas plans makes Cas eventually think of his own, or the lack thereof. Growing up, he had never been a big fan of the celebrations at home, to put it shortly: they were like torture to him, and as soon as he was able to leave and celebrate the holiday on his own, he did.

He's been all alone for years and now that when he thinks about it, he feels a little sad. Which is weird because he sometimes prefers to be alone.

The thought of inviting Dean over to celebrate Christmas with him is way too intimate, way too soon. If they'd known each other a little longer, it'd be okay, but Cas doesn't want to rush things and possibly scare him away for good.

Cas had thought about taking Dean out on his birthday, but he doesn't know when it is.   He makes a mental note to ask Dean when his birthday is the next time they meet.

Cas is so deep in thought that he doesn't notice someone sitting next to him and call out his name. Only when the figure with a familiar, round face appears in front of him, he snaps out of it.

”Dean!” Cas beams.

”Dude, you okay? You seem a little.. I don't know.” Dean says and he seems a little worried.

”I'm okay, Dean. Just thinking about where I'm gonna take you on our date.” Cas says and smiles as Dean sits back down next to him and blushes.

”Sheesh, don't say it like that..” Dean mutters.

”Like how?” Cas asks, tilts his head and gives Dean a teasing smile.

”Like so … casually. I don't know, it's weird.”

”Does it make you uncomfortable?”

”No, no. I'm just not used to stuff like this..”

”Well, you better get used to it because I intend to take you on lots of dates.” Cas says and nudges him gently with his elbow. Dean blushes furiously and pouts, which makes Cas chuckle.

”You're so adorable when you blush, did you know that?” Cas asks and shifts closer to Dean, who just tries to keep himself composed.

Despite Dean blushing and feeling incredibly nervous, they share yet another comfortable silence, before Dean breaks it by clearing his throat and getting Cas' attention.

”Do you have any plans for Christmas?” Dean asks and Cas is intrigued.

”No, not yet anyways. Why?”

”I was just wondering if you'd like to come and celebrate Christmas with us in Sioux Falls..” Dean says and fidgets with the strings on his hoodie.

Cas is a little surprised. Just moments ago he was thinking of asking the same thing, and now Dean's asking him to celebrate Christmas with him and Sam.

”Sioux Falls?”

Dean smiles widely when Cas says that he's coming to Sioux Falls with them -- with him.

”My uncle, Bobby, lives there. It's sort of a tradition to spend Christmas there. Don't worry though, dad'll probably be so drunk he won't know you're there.” Dean says, seeming a little forlorn to Cas.

Cas hasn't had any alcohol abusers in his family so he doesn't know what it's like. He can only imagine. Or, maybe Dean's father drinks heavily only on holidays? A lot of people do that, as far as he knows.

To take Dean's mind off of his father's alcohol consumption, he changes the subject back to the conversation they had going on: Cas going to Sioux Falls with Dean, Sam and apparently their dad.

”I would love to come, Dean. Do I need to bring something?

”Oh, uh, no. Just yourself.”

After that, they're back in the comfortable silence and Cas stares at Dean, who knows he's being stared at, but doesn't say anything about it.

”Do you wanna come and watch the second Indiana Jones movie with me and Sam?” Dean suddenly asks.

”Yeah, sure. My last class ends at 4pm and I don't have soccer practice today either, so I'm free.”

The last time he had skipped practice was when he had been worried about Dean. His coach had ripped him a new one for missing it, but it had soon been forgotten when they won the match. Still, Cas didn't enjoy being yelled at, and so he had decided not to miss any more sessions.

”Great,” Dean smiles, and continues, ”Let's not get  as many snacks as last time, though. I can't afford to gain more weight...” he mumbles.   

Cas observes Dean for a moment. He doesn't believe the other boy is fat, but he knows there's nothing he could possibly say that would make him believe otherwise.

“If you want, we could get some healthier stuff. Some fruits and veggies?” Cas suggests and after a moment of thinking, Dean seems to agree.

”Sure, sounds great.”

They part their ways after that and Dean agrees to wait for Cas until his classes are over.

 

\- -

 

Cas enjoys the movie, just like last time, which of course makes Dean happy.

After the movie ends Dean offers to drive Cas home.

”I really appreciate the ride, Dean. Thank you.” Cas says when they curve in front of his apartment building.

”No problem, Cas.”

”Would you like to come in for a cup of coffee?” Cas suddenly asks, catching Dean off-guard.

”M-maybe some other time.” Dean mutters and continues, ”I gotta get back to Sammy anyways.”

”Some other time, then.” Cas smiles and gets out of the car. He walks up the couple of steps to the front doors, turns around and waves to Dean as the younger man drives off into the distance.

Later that evening, Cas gets a text from Dean.

_”Hey Cas, so, we're heading out to Bobby's on the 23rd. Not sure what time yet, but I'll keep you updated. I'm driving!”_

 

\- -

 

It's been a week since Cas has seen or heard from Dean and he's worried. It's the 22nd, and the last he had heard from Dean was that they were heading out to Sioux Falls on the 23rd. He's already packed, but the fact that he hasn't heard from Dean makes him nervous. It reminds him too much of the last time when Dean had disappeared on him and it leaves a bad taste in his mouth. He’s tried calling him, but Dean won’t answer his phone.

He's mostly packed for the 3 day visit in Sioux Falls, but not knowing when they're gonna leave tomorrow and the fact that he hasn't heard from Dean makes him a little nervous, so he ends up re-packing his suitcase 4 times.

Once he’s sure everything is as organized as it’s gonna get, he decides to have a cup of tea before he goes to sleep. Any more coffee would only make him more agitated than he is now. As he sips the tea, he glances at the wall clock that's hung over his fireplace and realizes that it's 11pm. He really should be getting to bed.

Half an hour later Cas is preparing for bed, still waiting for Dean to contact him. He puts the phone on the nightstand and lies down with a tired sigh. Just when he's gonna turn off the light from the small table lamp, his phone chirps and sure enough, it's Dean.

_“Hey, Cas. Sorry for not answering your calls. I was only wondering if you still want to come to Sioux Falls with me and Sammy? I totally understand if you don’t.”_

Cas shakes his head. Of course he still wants to go!

_“Of course I want to go, Dean. When are we leaving?”_

_”Okay great!! :D We leave tomorrow at 8am, so we'll be in Sioux Falls before the sun sets. We'll pick you up.”_

_”Great. I'll see you tomorrow, then. Good night.”_

He doesn't expect an answer, but he gets one anyway.

_”Night.”_

It's a simple word, but it makes Cas feel butterflies.

 

\- -

_A week ago .._

After driving Cas home, Dean gets a call from his dad.

 ”He-eeey Dean,” John starts, obviously drunk, ”Come pick me up. I don't have any cash.” He slurs to the phone and Dean sees red. He's told his father countless times to make sure and keep money on him for a cab, but John never listens. He uses the money to buy drinks instead.

Dean takes a deep breath and counts to ten before he talks.

"Dad...I'm not picking you up. Figure out how to get home on your own," Dean snarls into the phone. He hangs up before John can respond and takes a moment to revel in his anger. After about a minute of staring straight ahead, another emotion sets in: fear. He knows his father won't let him off easy for what he had done.

He drives back home as calmly as he can. The last thing he needs right now is to be hospitalized.

When he gets back, he prepares something for him and Sam to eat before heading for bed. They sit in the kitchen eating, when Sam speaks up.

”Did.. did something happen? You're quiet.”

”Nah, I'm fine. It's just dad. He called and asked for a ride home. I said no and hung up.”

Sam gasps.  “Dude are you crazy?! You know what he's gonna do to you when he gets back!”

”Well, I guess I'll just make sure he won't see me before he's sober.” Dean shrugs and continues to eat nonchalantly.

”But, Dean --”

“We're gonna have to stand our ground against him one day. Might as well start now.”

Sam looks at Dean, eyes wide.

”Don't worry, Sammy. I'm gonna make sure dad doesn't hurt you.”

”I can take care of myself, Dean. I'm not a kid anymore.” Sam says.  He pushes his plate away and leaves the table.

”Sam, that's not what I --” Dean tries to stop his little brother, but he's already gone. With a heavy sigh he returns to eating his meal, then eating what’s left on Sam’s plate not long after. He can feel both meals sitting in his belly, but it’s not enough. He still feels empty… so he goes straight to the cabinets and makes himself 5 sandwiches. Bread is one of his biggest weaknesses when it comes to food and overeating.

It's not bedtime just yet, but when Dean goes upstairs to their room he sees that Sam is already in bed, with the lights out from his side. Dean wants to talk to him, but he's pretty sure that his little brother won't listen, the stubborn kid he is. Instead he closes the door, goes back downstairs and decides to watch TV before going to bed.

 

\- -

 

Dean's not sure when he fell asleep or how long it’s been, but he wakes up when his body is roughly pulled off the couch.  He hits the floor and barely has time to open his eyes when something hits his face. Dean howls in pain and realizes that it's John.

“Dad...” he croaks and gets a kick to his stomach that almost makes him throw up all the food he had eaten earlier.  

For a moment, Dean is thankful his dad is too drunk to even kick straight, but it still hurts like a bitch. John is quiet and he keeps kicking him until he curls into a ball on the floor, which is when John starts stomping on his side. Dean knows that if he fights back or makes any noises it will only fuel John's anger.

He can hear his father mutter something under his breath, but Dean can't make out what it is. He doesn't know how long John keeps beating him, but every single second is one too many. Eventually his father stops, staggers to his room through the kitchen and closes the door with a loud  slam.

Dean waits for a long time before he uncurls himself and just lies on the floor, shaking. He tries to keep his tears at bay, but they eventually fall down his temples and disappear into his hairline. He whines pitifully, fists his hands and presses them against his eyes. He hopes Sam didn’t wake up.

He decides to remain on the floor a little longer, but he knows he should go to bed soon.  He doesn't want to be downstairs if his father happens to wake up during the night. Slowly and painfully, Dean sits up first, holding his left side with his arm. He sits there like that for a short moment before fully bursting to tears.

”Mom..” he cries for his late mother, and _oh_ how he wishes she was there.

After his hushed sobbing subsides, he gets up and carefully makes his way upstairs. It takes a lot out of him, but once he's there, he lowers himself down to his bed.  He takes a deep breath and feels relieved.

When he sleeps, he dreams of someone tending to his injuries, but it's not his mother. The person's silhouette is blurry, but the piercing blue eyes he sees clear as day.

 

\- -

 

Dean wakes up a few hours later when Sam's alarm clock goes off. He struggles to get up – every single inch of him hurts and he just wants to stay in bed, but Sammy.. He doesn’t notice his little brother appearing next to him before Sam speaks.

”You don't have to get up. I can handle myself, you just rest.”

Dean feels so relieved he could cry. He's also grateful that his brother doesn't say _”told you so”_ or anything related to the beating he got. They have their share of arguments and fights like all siblings do, but Sam knows when to keep silent. Besides, berating him wouldn't make his injuries any better and Sam knows that.

He lies back down and listens as Sam takes a shower as quietly as he can, not wanting to wake up their father either.

It doesn't take long for Dean to fall asleep again.

 

\- -

 

He wakes up again a couple of hours later and it's already bright outside. He can hear his father downstairs so he shuffles to the bathroom to see if his face is messed up. If it is, he really doesn't want go to school and let anyone see.

He looks at himself in the mirror and sure enough he has two black eyes and a split lip. He checks himself for further injuries. Nothing is broken, but he's covered in nasty bruises. He can live with that, but he's gonna have to wait for the swelling to go down on his face and the bruises on his face to disappear before he's presentable. His father usually avoids the face when he beats him, but this time he didn't. Dean wonders why but can't come up with a reason better than that his father was just too drunk to know what part of Dean he was kicking and stomping.

Dean goes back to lie down on his bed and listens at his father downstairs, hoping he won't come up.

Luck, however, is not on his side, when he hears footsteps coming his way. If he could move quickly, Dean would lock the door before John gets there, but there's no way he's able to do that now.

John knocks the door frame timidly and enters the room before Dean can say anything. His father walks to his bed and kneels. Dean pretends that he's asleep.

”Dean..” His dad starts, but he stays quiet, his back turned to his father. John's large hand lands softly on his shoulder and it makes him flinch involuntarily, letting his father know what he's awake.

”I'm so sorry, Dean.. You know I don't mean to … to do that. It's just so hard, you know? With Mary gone..” John says, his voice shaking as if he's about to cry, which makes Dean panic a little because his father never cries unless he's drunk out of his mind.

Dean feels sorry for his father and turns around to look at him. John gasps a little when he sees Dean's bruised and swollen face.

”Dean..” He says again.

Dean gets up and much to his surprise, he says:

”It's okay, dad.”

Tears fall down John's face and he presses his forehead to the edge of Dean's bed and sobs. Dean does the one thing he can think of – he hugs his father. He feels John's arms around him, grasping him like a lifeline.

”I promise I'll stop drinking. I promise.” His father mumbles, but Dean knows it's an empty promise. After all, he's said that many times but always ends up back to drinking. So, Dean doesn't say anything. He just holds his father as he cries in his arms.

 

\- -

 

It's the morning of December 23rd and Castiel finds himself at the window, waiting and watching for the Impala. He's anxious to see Dean and find out how he's doing since they hadn't talked much in the past couple weeks.

His watch shows that it's a little after 8am and the Impala is nowhere to be seen. He doesn't like it when people are late for their meetings and such, but he can't help but worry a little. Maybe Dean had another panic attack and now they can't go? Surely Dean would've let him know if that was the case.

If he's honest with himself, he's been waiting for this a little more eagerly than he probably should've so he's gonna be a little disappointed if the trip gets cancelled.

A few minutes later Cas finally sees the Impala in the distance and a smile appears on his face. He quickly gathers his bags and rushes outside.

When he gets to the street, he sees that Dean's out of the car and walking towards the building but stops on his tracks when he sees Cas.

”I was gonna come and get you, but you were apparently all set to go before we even got here.” He smiles. Cas smiles, walks to the Impala and opens the back door, only to be surprised to see Sam sitting there instead of the front seat. Dean sees from the look on his face that he's about to ask about it, so he beats him to it.

”We talked it over with Sam and decided to give you the front seat. It's only fair because you're our guest and all.”

”Yeah, and Dean doesn't let just anyone sit on the front seat!” Sam teases from the back and a small blush spreads on Dean's face.

Cas doesn't see it because it's fairly dark outside, but he smiles at Sam's little teasing.

They get into the car and Dean starts the engine once again. Cas sits on the seat and the leather squeaks under him. He's been in the Impala before, but for some reason this feels different. Maybe it's because they're going on a road trip? Or because he's been invited to an intimate family event?

His thoughts are broken when music starts playing from the car stereo. He doesn't recognize the artist and turns to Dean to ask when he finally notices that the skin around his eyes are bruised. The bruises look at least a few days old, so Cas can't help but ask:

”Dean, what happened to your face?”

”Oh, this? It's nothing. I was working on Baby and I hit my head pretty hard.” Dean says and doesn't even stutter. He's had to come up with excuses for his bruises ever since his mom died so he knows exactly what to say, and how to say it.

”Does it hurt?” Cas asks, seeming to accept the explanation.

”Nah, not anymore. It hurt the most the day after, but it's getting better.” Dean says, staying focused on the road.

Cas nods and looks at Sam through the rearview mirror and sees that he's looking at his big brother with sadness in his eyes. He'd ask Sam what's wrong but he doesn't want to make the long ride uncomfortable.

 

\- -

 

  
On their way Dean's been educating Cas on his music taste. Cas has never purposefully listened to this kind of music but he's starting to enjoy it. Especially this Bob Dylan fellow's music. When he says that to Dean, the younger man's face brightens.

Sam's been reading almost the whole time, letting the two chat.

The rest of the ride goes by rather quickly and soon they reach Sioux Falls.

”Should we call uncle Bobby that we're almost there?” Sam asks.

”Nah. He knows we're coming.”

It takes them 10 more minutes to reach Bobby's, or as the big sign says - ”Singer Salvage”.

”Your uncle has his own business?” Cas asks as they drive under the sign.

”Yup. He fixes cars. In fact, he's the one who taught me to fix Baby myself.” Dean says, proud.

The yard is full of cars and it makes Cas' head spin a little. ”That's... a lot of cars.” He laughs.

Dean turns off the Impala and they get out of the car.

”Yeah. A lot of these are Bobby's never ending projects; Cars he's found from different places and his goal is to restore th--”

”Finally you idjits are here.” A gruff voice interrupts Dean and the trio turns around. There's an older man with a beard and a trucker hat standing in front of them.

”Bobby!” Sam cheers and runs into his arms.

”Good to see you too, kiddo.” The man says and ruffles Sam's hair. ”John couldn't make it?” He asks from Dean and Cas finally notices that their father isn't present.

”No, he's busy with work and stuff. He says he's sorry, though.”

”He better be.” Bobby mutters.

They walk inside the old house and it looks even older from the inside, but it's definitely cozy. Cas likes it.

”You must be Cas. Well, welcome to Villa Bobby.” Bobby says to Cas, who straightens up.

”Thank you, sir.” Cas says and extends his hand.

”Just Bobby. Dean's said a lot of good things about you. Come on, you must be exhausted. Sam, will you show Cas where you all will be sleeping. It's the guest room, as usual.”-

Sam nods, takes his bag and runs upstairs with Cas behind him.

”Now.. Care to explain the black eyes?” Bobby says and looks at Dean sternly in the eyes.

”I... hit my head when I was checking the Impala.”

”That's bull and we both know it. He's gone back to beating you two, hasn't he?” The old man asks as he examines Dean's face more closely.

”Just me. I keep him away from Sammy.”

”You know you're welcome here with Sammy, don't you?”

”As much as I appreciate it, Bobby.. I promised mom I'd look after them. I can't let her down.”

Bobby shakes his head. He tries to put his hand on Dean's shoulder, but Dean retreats.

”I'm gonna go check on Sammy and Cas.” He mumbles and hurries upstairs, his bag in his hand.

When Dean gets to the guest room, he sees that Sam's already unpacked while Cas just stands there.

”Can't figure out where to put your bags?” Dean teases and Cas turns around to face him.

”Yeah, actually.” Cas says and scratches the back of his head.

”Just put them with mine. Here.” Dean puts his bags under the window, and Cas does the same.

A moment later, Bobby appears in the guest room. ”I've got some food ready if you boys are hungry.” He says and points downstairs with his thumb.

”Sweet! Thanks, Bobby.” Dean smiles and beckons Cas to follow him while Sam goes on ahead.

They sit down around the table and watch as Bobby takes the pot off the stove.  He places it in the middle of the table and smiles at them.

”I made it a couple of hours ago, hope you don't mind it's preheated.”

The trio puts some of the food – stew, apparently, on their plates and Cas tastes it first. ”It’s very good. Thank you.” He says while Sam and Dean dig in.

Bobby sits next to Sam, joining them.

Cas keeps looking at Dean during the duration of the dinner. He looks so happy.. Cas thinks and it makes him smile. Maybe getting out of North Haledon was exactly what the younger man needed.

They eat in pleasant silence. He takes seconds which encourages Dean to do the same.

Soon the wall clock chimes and they realize how late it really is.

”Dean, Cas. Why don't you two take the guest room and Sam can sleep in my bedroom. I'll sleep on the couch.” Bobby suddenly says and Cas nearly chokes on his stew.

”How come?” Sam asks, mouth full of stew. Bobby just laughs and looks at Cas.

”So it won't get too crowded for you three. That sound good?”

”Sure, why not. I'm game.” Sam shrugs and continues eating, while Dean and Cas share a look, and it makes both of them blush slightly. They look away, embarrassed.

”I can help Sam get ready for bed. Dean, you know where all the linens are so you can take care of your own. Cas' too.”

Once they've eaten, they get up and leave the kitchen. Suddenly Cas feels a strong, large hand on his shoulder. He looks behind him and his eyes meet with Bobby’s. The older man's face is serious and it scares him a little.

”Mr. Singer..?” Cas asks, confused.

”Why don't you two go on ahead. We'll catch up.” Bobby nods to Dean and Sam. Sam continues upstairs, but Dean looks between Cas and Bobby before following his little brother a little hesitantly.

”Is there something wrong, Mr. Singer?” Cas asks, wondering if he did something to upset the older man.

”I noticed the way you kept starin' at Dean over dinner. You like him?”

"What? No - I don't know what you're talking about," Cas stutters. He's never been a very good liar, and from the moment he looks up at Bobby, he realizes that the older man knows it too.

“Fine. Yes, I like him. How could you tell, anyway?”

”I've got eyes, don't I? You'd have to be blind not to notice the way you looked at him over dinner.” Bobby says, face still serious.

Cas stays silent and waits for the 'Stay away from him you fag', but instead, Bobby says with a sigh:

”He probably doesn’t know. He's got such a low opinion of himself that he can't see anyone liking him.”

He stands there, mouth hanging slightly open.

When Bobby looks at him, he asks: ”What?”

”Oh, uh, nothing. I just.. I was expecting a different response..” Cas says with a small blush on his face. ”And I have told Dean that I like him, so he does know.”

Bobby sighs. ”I may not look like a nice, understanding person, but believe me; I've seen enough life not to be a judgemental jerk. And when it comes to Dean, he doesn't believe people like him, even when they tell him that. He's stubborn.” He grumbles.

”I'm – I'm sorry, I didn't mean it like that.. ” Cas says, a little ashamed.

”You did, but it's okay, I get it. There's a lot of hate for homosexuality, after all.”

”Oh, I'm not gay. I'm bisexual. Or maybe I'm more of a pansexual..” Cas rambles on, but Bobby interrupts him.

”Don't you think you should be talking to Dean about this and not me?”

”I'm not sure if he's that into me.. I did tell him that I like him, but what if he doesn't believe me, like you said? I asked him out on a date and he said yes, but maybe he agreed to it just to please me?”

”Sounds like him, but Dean's a good kid, Cas. Maybe on some level he feels the same, but doesn't let himself acknowledge those feelings because he's afraid of being hurt.”

”I would never hurt him.” Cas says, suddenly very serious. It makes Bobby blink slowly a couple of times.

”Then don't.” Bobby begins, ”I don't want to see him hurt again.”

”What do you mean 'again'?”

”You really need to talk with Dean about this, not me. Come on, let's go upstairs.” Bobby says and walks up the stairs, leaving Cas standing there, immersed in thought.

So .. Dean knows that Cas likes him, but Dean doesn't necessarily believe it. He agreed to go out with Cas, but he might've agreed to it just to please Cas. And he's been hurt before, according to Bobby.. Things have developed rather fast in just a couple of short months. Maybe he needs to slow down a bit? Perhaps he should call off the date and get to know Dean better? Or, perhaps they should go out and let things progress from there and they'd get to know each other better on the way? Did Bobby give them his blessing, or was he just imagining that?

Cas thinks and says this to himself a lot, but he's never felt a pull like this towards someone.. Sometimes it scares him.

So many thoughts are going around his head that he doesn't really know what to think anymore.

After coming down from his thoughts, Cas follows Bobby upstairs.

When he gets to the guest room, Cas sees that Dean's already prepared their beds. There's a mattress on the floor a little further away from the single bed.

”Hey, Cas. What did Bobby want?” Dean asks as he puts a pillowcase on a small, lumpy pillow. He then throws it onto the mattress.

”Nothing, he just asked a couple of questions about me. No big deal.” Cas lies, not wanting to bring up the subject just yet.

”Heh, he does that. So, you'll be sleeping on the bed and I'll take the floor.”

”I can't let you sleep on the floor, Dean.”

”You're a guest, Cas.” Dean says and it seems like he's not gonna change his mind about this, so Cas gives in and agrees to sleep on the bed.

There's a knock on the doorframe and when Dean and Cas turn to look, Sam's there. ”I just wanted to say goodnight.” He says tiredly and looks between the two.

”Good night, Sammy. See you in the morning.” Dean says and with a small nod Sam closes the door and leaves the two of them alone.

Cas starts taking off his clothes and Dean panics. Cas is obviously changing to his pyjamas, but he doesn't want to change in front of Cas! Is it gonna be weird if he excuses himself and goes to the bathroom to change? And there are his bruises on his torso.. He can't let Cas see them. Maybe he'll just sleep with his current t-shirt and underwear on? Yeah, that's a good idea. He'll sleep in his pyjamas tomorrow.

He quickly undresses to his boxers and t-shirt, and when Cas turns around and he has no shirt on, which makes heat rush to Dean’s face.

Cas isn't that muscular, but he's definitely toned and you can see that he plays soccer on a regular basis. He has long, somewhat muscular limbs and it makes Dean think of his own that are rather.. stumpy.

”You're not gonna change?” Cas asks as he puts on a white t-shirt, and then puts on his pyjama pants.

”Nah, I'm too tired. Go to bed so I can  turn off the lights.” Dean says and Cas does as he's told. he turns off the light and finds his way to the mattress in the dark. He takes off his glasses and puts them on his bag so he – or Cas – won't step on them by accident. He can't exactly afford new glasses right now.

”Good night, Cas.” Dean says, pulls the covers under his chin and closes his eyes.

”Night, Dean. See you tomorrow.”

 

\- -

Cas is fast asleep, but even after some time Dean still lies awake. He listens to Cas' steady breathing and he feels so frustrated he could cry because he just wants to sleep.

After some more tossing and turning, Dean gets up and slowly makes his way downstairs to the kitchen, thinking that maybe a glass of warm milk will help him sleep. His mother used to make him drink it when he couldn't sleep, and most of the time it worked.

He nearly drops the pot when he sees Bobby standing in the doorway.

”Jesus, Bobby! You nearly gave me a heart attack!” He whisper-shouts, his heart beating fast from being startled so suddenly.

”Can't sleep?” Bobby asks and steps fully into the kitchen.

”Yeah .. I've been awake for awhile now and thought maybe a glass of milk would help.”

”You can try that, but I've got something that might work better than warm milk. Follow me.” Bobby says, exits the kitchen and beckons Dean to follow.

They go to the upstairs bathroom and Bobby opens the medicine cabinet. He takes out a bottle, opens it and pours two pills to his palm.

”Here, take these. Knocks me right out when I have trouble sleep’n.” He says and offers the pills to Dean, who takes them.

”What are they?”

”Melatonin. It helps you fall asleep, or at least it helps me. Give it a try.”

Dean looks at the pills a little hesitantly, but Bobby wouldn't offer them to him if they'd be harmful. He takes the pills and swallows them down with water from the faucet.

”It takes a while to take effect, but you should be able to fall asleep.”

”Thanks, Bobby.” Dean says and they exit the bathroom.

”No problem. Now, go to bed so you'll actually wake up in the morning.” Bobby laughs softly and ruffles Dean's hair. It makes Dean chuckle and they part their ways.

When he gets back to the guest room, Cas is awake and sitting on the edge of the bed, his hair sticking out to every direction there is.

”Can't sleep?” He asks from Dean, who closes the door silently.

”Sorry if I woke you up.” Dean apologizes.

”It's okay. I woke up when you left the room. You okay?”

”Yeah, I'm okay. Bobby just gave me something to help me sleep.” Dean says and lies back on the mattress.

”Wanna talk for a while?” Cas asks, and after thinking about it, Dean nods.

”Sure, why not. Bobby said it's gonna take some time before the pills will start to work anyways. What do you wanna talk about?” Dean asks from Cas who's still sitting on the edge of the bed.

”I don't know. Anything that comes to mind..” Cas shrugs.

“Oh, I applied for a job at the store near my house. They promised to get in touch with me about an interview.” Dean says.

“That’s great, Dean. Let me know how it all goes.”

They stay silent for a minute or two before Dean speaks.  “I miss my mother,” he says.

Cas sighs, feeling a little somber. Dean hasn't mentioned his mother since the library incident so Cas naturally feels a little nervous. What if Dean will get upset again?

After another moment of silence, Cas asks, quietly, ”What happened?”

”She died when I was 9. Our house caught on fire and she died. Her burns were so bad..”

Dean chokes and Cas is afraid that his friend will break down. He'll be there for Dean if he does, but he doesn't want him to be upset.

”Sammy was about one. It was actually the anniversary of her death not too long ago. I haven't been to her grave in years because we moved all the time and never had a good chance to go back. I remember mom yelling me to get Sam and run outside..” Dean's voice begins to shake and he tries to hide it but Cas isn't fooled. As much as he appreciates Dean opening up to him, he can't help wanting to change the subject.

Cas does wonder where Dean’s father was that night, but he feels like Dean doesn’t want to talk about it.

”Tell me what she was like.” He says, hoping that some happier memories of Dean's mother would make the younger man a little happier.

”Oh man, she was amazing. She loved to cook and bake. She was gentle and loving.  Mom used to sing me The Beatles' song 'Hey Jude' as a lullaby and she made the best apple pie I've ever had.” Dean says, his tone a little happier and it makes Cas smile.

”She sounds like a wonderful person, Dean. I'm sorry she was taken away from you.” Cas says and he's sincerely sorry about that.

”Yeah, me too.”

The room is filled with silence once again. Cas doesn't dare to talk and Dean just simply can't. He's barely holding back his tears as it is.

”That's when..” He starts, but has to swallow down the lump in his throat, ”That's when dad started drinking and hasn't stopped since.”

Cas looks at Dean in the darkness. ”My mother is dead as well.” He says and sees Dean turn around to face him.

”She died giving birth to me, so I have no memories of her. I've seen some pictures of her, but that's it. My father never wanted to talk about her when I asked.”

”Wait, didn't you have a little brother?” Dean asks, slightly confused.

”Oh, Samandriel is my step-brother. Father got remarried and after a couple of years they had Samandriel together. Naomi, dad's new wife.. Nobody in our family didn't really like her because they felt that she was ”replacing” our late mother, but I liked her. Not at first, of course. I was really shy around her for a while. She wasn't all that 'motherly', but she tried, and in the end she ended up being like a mother to me. Unfortunately she.. She died of cancer a few years ago and our family has been in chaos ever since. That's when I decided to move back to the US. I didn't want to be a part of that mess.”

”You lived abroad? Where?”

”United Kingdom. I was born here, but we moved to the UK when I was 5. I loved it there, but there were too many unhappy memories so I wanted to get away. Start over. Father was against it, but I left anyway and, well, here I am.”

”Tell me about your brothers.” Dean says and yawns.

”Well, Lucifer's the bad boy. Father nearly disowned him because he caused nothing but trouble and disappointment to the family, but father didn't have to do that because Lucifer went to prison for drug trafficking.

Michael is the complete opposite of Lucifer. He followed in father's footsteps and became a minister. He and Lucifer fought a lot.

Raphael and Zacharias were very... orderly. They did everything father asked or told them to do. I wasn't that close with them.. I was closer to Gabriel and Balthazar. They weren't bad people, they just got on father's nerves because unlike Raphael and Zachariah, Gabriel and Balthazar were kind of.. rebellious. Gabriel ate a lot of candy and Balthazar always teased him about it and said that he's gonna ruin his teeth if he continues to eat candy like that.

Anna, the only girl of the 8 of us was... she was ill, but she was a good person. She always had my back when I was in trouble, which I rarely was, unless I got pranked or framed by Gabe.

Samandriel was the innocent, pure one. He was father's favourite and I was jealous of him for a while, but I got over it pretty soon because I had Anna, Gabriel and Balthazar.

And then there's... me.” Cas finishes and looks at Dean for comments, but the younger man is barely awake.

”Why do you use past tense when you talk about your family?” Dean asks, voice slightly slurring.

I haven't seen them in years. I left because...well, it didn't feel like a home. It was just...our father barking orders at us and expecting us to obey, and if you didn't, well..." his voice trails off and he looks down. "I couldn't take it anymore, especially after Anna...Dean? Are you awake? Cas asks and looks at Dean once more and sees that his eyes are closed. Cas huffs out an amused laugh at the sight.

_He looks so peaceful .._ He thinks and smiles fondly.

”To be continued, I guess.” Cas says more to himself than Dean. He lies back down with his gaze on his friend, and Dean is the last thing Cas sees before falling asleep.

 

\- -

 

Dean is jolted awake by Sam's voice in his ear. ”It's Christmas eve, Dean! Come on, let's go downstairs!” He exclaims and runs downstairs, leaving Dean awake but startled. He has no idea how Sammy can still be so enthusiastic about Christmas...

He notices that Cas' bed is empty and figures he must be downstairs. He gets up slowly, puts on his glasses and staggers down the stairs, goes to the living room where everyone already is, decorating a tree Bobby must've picked out in the early morning hours.

”Ah. Good morning, sleepy head. Everyone's been awake for a while now, except for you. I had to send Sam to wake you up.” Bobby chuckles lightly.

”I haven't slept this well in a loooong time..” Dean yawns and stretches his arms up, revealing his soft belly covered in stretch marks and Cas' eyes land on it immediately. He squints his eyes and tilts his head as he imagines how soft it must be.

Dean notices his staring and right away he thinks that Cas is judging him, thinking that he's disgusting.. Which he is. He pulls his shirt down quickly in shame, plasters on a smile and walks to Bobby, Cas and Sam from the doorway.

”I'm glad you slept well.” Cas says, his eyes never leaving Dean and the staring is getting a bit weird and makes him feel uncomfortable.

”Sam and I decorated the tree. What do you think?” Cas asks Dean, who takes a better look at the tree.

”It's awesome. Nice job you two.” He says and ruffles Sam's hair. Dean's compliment makes the younger boy smile widely.

”Come on, time for breakfast.” Bobby says and motions for them to follow him to the kitchen.

”You haven't already eaten?” Dean asks, surprised.

”No. Cas wanted to wait for you to wake up so we can eat together.” Bobby says over his shoulder and Dean blushes a little.

They eat their breakfast in pleasant silence.

After Dean finishes his breakfast, he excuses himself and says he's gonna take a bath. He fetches his clothes and towel from his bag and goes to the bathroom. He opens the faucet and lets the hot water pour into the porcelain tub. As it fills with water, Dean undresses himself and once he's naked, he looks down on himself.

_I'm a fucking blob.._ He frets and takes a handful of his belly and squeezes it between his hands. He traces his fingers along the stretch marks that almost entirely cover his lower belly. He really needs a lotion that lightens scars .. Then he'd be a little less self-conscious. ...Maybe.

He closes the faucet once the tub is full enough and lowers himself carefully in it, making the water slosh a little over the edges, which makes Dean frown. The tub wasn't that full... Is he really that fat?

The tub feels suddenly smaller and Dean's afraid he's gonna get stuck in it unless he gets out right now. He scrambles out of the tub as fast as he can, drains it and decides to take a quick shower instead.

His quick shower stretches to a long one, but eventually Dean turns off the water, steps down from the tub and starts to dry himself. As he's toweling himself dry, he notices that Bobby has a scale under a small chest of drawers and decides to take it out. It's covered in dust, so Dean wipes it clean with a tissue, places it down onto the floor and looks at it for a moment.

He hasn't stepped on a scale in years, partly because he doesn't want to upset himself, but he should know where his weight is at..

So, he steps on the scale, with his heart hammering in his chest. It takes him a moment to look down, but when he does, Dean feels a lump in his throat and he just wants to cry.

231 lbs.

He steps down from the scale and feels like throwing up the breakfast he just had, but he hates throwing up ..

Quickly, he dresses into some comfortable and casual clothing and tries to see if he looks fat in them.

Yeah, he's fat, there's no hiding that..

Dean shuffles to the guest room, feeling defeated, throws his towel over the door to dry and lies down on the mattress. He pulls the covers over his head. Maybe he'll get to be alone for a moment.. He doesn't feel like going downstairs.

 

\- -

 

He seems to have fallen asleep, because he's being gently shaken and someone's calling his name.

”Dean.. are you alright?”

It's Cas.

After taking a deep breath, he peeks from under the covers and is faced with Cas' blue eyes, that seem to be framed with some sort of worry or sadness..

”I'm fine, Cas. I'm just tired.”

”Dean, you're not fine. Tell me, what's bothering you?”

”I'm just tired, Cas.” Dean repeats. ”It must be some side effects from the melatonin Bobby gave me.”

Cas isn't sure what to believe, but decides to give Dean a break. ”Alright. Come downstairs after you've rested.” He says, leaves and closes the door behind him.

 

\- -

 

He wakes up after a couple of hours and is surprised to see someone lying on the bed. He can't see very well without his glasses, but he's pretty sure it's Cas. He puts on his glasses and yep, it's Cas.

Now that he thinks about it, he doesn’t know what Cas looks like when he sleeps. It sounds a little weird, but he wants to know, so he looks at him a little closer.

_He looks good even while he’s sleeping._ Dean muses. _I bet he'd look good in glasses too.. I look like a swamp monster without glasses, though._

Dean shifts a little closer to Cas, and he can feel his breathing on his skin.

”Nice to see that you're awake, Dean.” Cas suddenly says and Dean flinches back, surprised.

”How did you - - ?”

”I've been awake for a while now. Just wanted to prank you a little.” Cas chuckles playfully.

”You jerk.” Dean smiles. ”What were you doing here in the first place, then?”

”I didn't want you to wake up alone. I know a sad face when I see one.” Cas says and closes his eyes.

Dean looks at the floor. Cas saw through him? It was kinda nice of him to come back and stay, though.

”Thanks, Cas.” Dean says with a soft smile on his face.

”Anytime.”

They gaze into each other's eyes for a moment, but they're interrupted by Bobby's yelling from downstairs.

”Come on, sleepy heads! Time for dinner and presents!”

”Wanna go?” Cas asks Dean, and how could Dean say no to food?

”Yeah, let's go.”

They go downstairs and to the kitchen, where the dinner table waits for them and when Dean sees it, his stomach grumbles. He covers his embarrassment by laughing nervously.

”Take a seat, boys. After we eat, it's time for presents.” Bobby says, already sitting down with Sam.

Cas and Dean sit across each other and they start shoveling food on their plates with enthusiasm.

”You guys are pretty hungry, huh?” Sam says, unintentionally making Dean feel shame for his eager actions towards the food.

Dean tries to eat slower and vows that he's gonna eat just a little and not overdo it like every single Christmas.

 

\- -

 

Well, it goes without saying that Dean's absolutely stuffed. Again. He promised himself that he wouldn't do this again, yet, here he is, feeling sated but ashamed at the same time.

When Bobby brings them some eggnog and gingerbreads to the living room, the old man pretty much shoves the goods down Dean's throat. Well, not really, but that's what it feels like to Dean and as usual, he can't say no.

If Dean was feeling stuffed before, he's ripping out of his seams now. He's so full and this is the exact reason why he doesn't like Christmas. He tries to control his eating, he really does, but in the end he always fails.

He's lying on the couch with his arm draped over his eyes, while Sam sits on the floor watching Christmas cartoons, and Bobby and Cas are talking about... something.

Dean peeks at his now even bigger belly under his arm. ”I look like I'm pregnant.” He sighs. ”I have a food baby. Ugh, I'm so full.. Why did you let me eat so much?” He whines and pouts at Cas and Bobby.

”Would you like for me to rub your belly?” Cas asks, smiling. He's not entirely sure if he's serious or not. Neither is Dean.

”Haha, no thanks, Cas. I'm good.” Dean says and laughs a little nervously. Although, the idea of having someone rubbing his belly is awfully tempting.. ”A little rest should help.”

”Can we open the presents now?” Sam asks impatiently and the three youngsters look at Bobby for an answer.

”Why the Hell not.” The old man shrugs.

Cas excuses himself and disappears upstairs for a moment. When he comes back, he's holding a fancy looking paper bag in his hands.

”Whatcha got there, Cas?” Dean asks, a little curious.

”I know you told me not to bring any presents, but I couldn't help it..” Cas says and sits on the floor, cross-legged.

”Cas, you didn't have to.” Dean sighs but smiles at the nice gesture. Cas really didn't have to bring gifts, but here he is, 3 packages laid in front of him.

”Can we open Cas' gifts first, Bobby?” Sam asks and Bobby shrugs again.

”Open whichever you want, kid.”

With that, Cas gives Sam's gift to the boy who tears the wrapping off eagerly in record time. When he sees what's under the wrapper, he bursts into a big smile.

”Dean! It's the whole Harry Potter book series!” The young boy beams and Dean looks at the pile of books with his mouth open.

”Thanks, Cas!” Sam jumps into Cas' arms in a hug and the older man hugs him back.

”I had a feeling you'd like it.”

”Are you kidding? Of course I like it!”

Sam's happy glees make Cas smile. Then he gives Bobby his present.

”For me?” Bobby asks and Cas nods.

”It's polite to bring a gift to the host.”

Bobby opens the gift and his eyes widen. ”Old Scottish scotch?”

”Yes. I've been saving it for years now and figured you might enjoy it.”

”Damn right I do. Thanks, Cas.” The old man says and puts the bottle away for later. He knows not to drink in front of Dean and Sam.

Then Cas turns to Dean, and gives him his gift a little shyly with a small blush on his face. ”I'm not much of a cook or a baker, but I made you this..”

Dean tries to look his friend in the eye, but Cas avoids his gaze. Carefully he opens the present and there's a red box under the wrapping. He opens the box and gasps.

It's home made chocolate. All kinds of different chocolate.

”How did you --”

”I looked the instructions up online.. I wanted to make you something special.” Cas admits, still avoiding Dean's gaze.

”Cas.. they look absolutely delicious. Can I take one?”

”Dean, they're yours. Of course you can.”

A genuine smile appears on Dean's face. He picks one piece of chocolate from the box and puts it in his mouth. It melts on his tongue and he savours the taste with his eyes closed. Then he swallows.

”Thank you so much, Cas. They're absolutely delicious.” Dean says and puts another chocolate into his mouth and Cas finally looks him in the eye.

”I feel bad for not getting you anything..” Dean suddenly says, a little sad.

”Oh, no no! It's okay. You inviting me here to celebrate Christmas with you all is a great present on its own.”

Dean smiles then and nods. They gaze into each other's eyes until Bobby clears his throat.

”Here are my gifts for you. Cas, I don't know what you like, but I bought something for you anyway.”

”You didn't have to, Mr. Singer. I really appreciate this.”

Sam opens his present from Bobby and it's a book, and judging from the look on his face, he loves it.

”It's the Hobbit! Thanks, Bobby!”

Bobby winks and Sam starts to browse through the book with a wide smile on his face.

”Dean, here's yours. I think you'll like it.”

It's a rather small package when Dean gets it in his hands. He's got no idea what it could be. When the wrapper's gone, it reveals a digital camera underneath.

”It's a camera!” Dean glees and puts the included batteries into the camera and immediately starts to study how to use it. There's a manual for that, but Dean likes to learn stuff like this on his own.

”Smile, Cas!” He says and turns to Cas, snapping a picture of his friend.

When Dean looks at the picture from the camera's small screen, he laughs at Cas' expression. Cas looks so baffled and Dean loves it. He takes a picture of Sam with his stack of books and a picture of Bobby sitting in his favourite chair.

”Here, Cas. Bobby's gift for you.” Dean says and gives the present to his friend.

Cas opens it eagerly and it's revealed to be a DVD box-set of Clint Eastwood movies. He looks at Bobby, confused.

”Dean told me that you haven't seen too many pop culture movies, so I figured why not start here. You can watch these with Dean if that's okay with him.” Bobby says and looks at Dean questioningly.

”Sure, I'm game. We could watch one now, before we go to bed if you guys are okay with it.” Dean suggests.

Everyone seems to agree and they decide to watch The Good, The Bad and The Ugly.

Before the movie, they eat a little more food and get themselves settled  in the living room. Sam, Dean and Cas take the couch and Bobby takes his chair.

During the movie Dean falls asleep and leans his head to Cas' shoulder. Cas doesn't seem to mind and towards the end of the movie he ends up falling asleep himself.

”Sam, take a picture.” Bobby says and Sam goes for Dean's camera on the windowsill. He snaps the picture quickly and then he wakes them up.

”Dean, Cas.. Go to bed if you're so tired.” He says as the two slowly open their eyes.

”Good idea.. Let's go, Dean.” Cas says and yawns, stands up and helps Dean up from the couch. Dean is still half asleep, so Cas takes his hand in his own and leads the younger man upstairs.

Dean takes his glasses off and slowly crawls under the covers. ”G'night, Cas..” He mumbles and almost immediately dozes off.

”Good night, Dean. Merry Christmas.” Cas says with a smile and closes his eyes. It doesn't take long for him to fall asleep as well.

 

\- -

 

The next morning Bobby asks if the trio would like to stay until the New Year's. He suggests that they could fire up some fireworks and Sam gets super excited about it, so they decide to stay.

 

\- -

 

On New Year's Eve Bobby and Sam go into town to buy some fireworks, leaving Dean and Cas with cleaning duty. There's not much to clean, fortunately, and they're soon done.

Cas suggests that they go outside and take some pictures with Dean’s new camera of the snow that had fallen during the night. They end up taking a lot of pictures of it and the nature, with a couple of pictures of themselves.

When they get back they're feeling a little cold, so Dean decides to heat up some mulled wine for them. They drink it in the kitchen, while browsing through the pictures they've taken. They watch the pictures from the very beginning and when they see the picture where they're sleeping and leaning on each other, they blush furiously, but secretly love the picture.

 

\- -

It's almost midnight, and the foursome is getting ready to light up the fireworks.

It's cold and dark outside, and the sky is filled with bright stars. Dean looks up to the sky and smiles at the stars. Cas takes in the scene and can't help but feel a little blown away by the sight. Dean’s face looks so soft against the moonlight and the light from the stars and Cas bets his eyes shine like Paris. He can’t see them and it kinda makes him sad.

He sneakily takes a picture if Dean with his phone, and although the real deal looks better, the picture isn't half bad either. At least he has something as a memento from this moment. He smiles and puts his phone away.

”Okay guys, one minute!” Bobby announces and gets his lighter ready, while Sam readies Dean's camera; Dean gave Sam permission to take pictures of the fireworks.

When there's only twenty seconds left, Bobby ignites three fireworks and for some reason Cas is feeling very brave, so he turns to Dean and asks:

”Dean, may I kiss you?”

Dean's face reddens more than it already is and his eyes widen. The first firework takes off and the two are still looking at each other.

”Happy New Year!” Sam cheers in the background and Cas is still waiting for Dean to reply.

Dean mutters something, but Cas can't make it out. ”What did you say?” He asks.

The second firework takes off and Bobby ignites some more.

”You .. you may.. but on the cheek, if that's alright.” Dean mumbles and Cas smiles, lifts Dean's chin up and looks at him straight in the eye.

Dean closes his eyes because he doesn't dare to look at Cas. Then he feels a light kiss on his right cheek and when Cas' lips are gone, he opens his eyes and looks up into Cas' eyes with fireworks going off over them in the sky.

”Happy New Year, Dean.”

”Y-You too..”

 


	7. Hungry Heart

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'M SO SORRY FOR TAKING SO LONG WITH THIS CHAPTER!! I hope you can find it in your hearts to forgive me. u_u I'm not too happy with this chapter, which is why I had trouble with it, but I hope you'll like it nevertheless..

Dean and Cas end up spending a lot of time together during Christmas break. Sam is with them too, because they are at the Winchester household most of the time. They've watched almost the entire movie DVD boxset Bobby gave Cas and it makes him a little sad. Dean, however, said that he has more stuff they can watch and Cas was happy to hear that. He enjoys their movie nights.

Every night Dean drives Cas home and the he invites Dean in for a cup of coffee, but he politely declines Cas' invitation each and every time.

It's the last movie of the set and Dean feels a little skittish. He's been rejecting Cas' invitations because he's afraid of what'll happen, but Cas hasn't tried anything suspicious during their time together, so perhaps he's been worrying over nothing?

As usual, Dean drives Cas home. He parks the Impala on the side of the street and waits for Cas' invitation.

”Well, thank you for the night and the ride once again, Dean. See you tomorrow?” Cas asks as he unbuckles the seat belt and opens the door.

Dean panics a little. Why didn't he invite him in? Is he sick of him?

”A-aren't you gonna invite me in?” Dean asks, bashful, making Cas stop in his tracks and sits back down.

”I thought you wouldn't want to come inside, so I decided not to ask.”

”Ask me now.”

”Alright.” Cas smiles. ”Would you like to come in for a cup of coffee?”

”I'd love to.” Dean says, takes the keys from the ignition and they step outside.

Cas walks first and Dean follows him, feeling more and more nervous with each step they take towards the building.

The door to Cas' apartment looks something straight from a history book. Or a fantasy novel. It's not much of a surprise, though, because the whole building itself is beautiful.

”Welcome to my humble home, Dean.” Cas says and Dean feels like he's just stepped into heaven.

Cas' apartment is spacious and very bright. White walls, high ceiling which makes the apartment look even roomier. The windows are big and they have large window sills. There are some plants to bring life to the place. On a closer look Dean notices that the walls have nice little decorations on the bottom and on the top. The floor is hardwood and when Dean follows Cas further into the apartment, he sees that Cas has a fireplace and a huge flat screen TV on top of it. All of the furniture look like antiques and not to mention expensive. There's two large windows in the living room with bamboo blinds and see-through blue curtains that almost touch the floor.

The kitchen is on the left and from what Dean can see, the antique theme continues there as well with decorative chairs that has cushions on them.

Cas' bedroom is on the right and it has huge glass doors open so Dean gets a peek inside. And of course, it's as gorgeous as the rest of the place.

”Well, what do you think?” Cas asks and waits eagerly to hear what Dean has to say.

”Where did you get all the furniture?” Dean blurts out and it makes Cas laugh lightly.

”Mostly from flea markets and such. They weren't in the best shape when I bought them, so I renovated them myself.”

Dean whistles in amazement. ”You're really good with your hands. How did you learn to do that?”

”Thank you. I just looked up tutorials online and went from there, so it's really just amateur work.”

”You must be natural at this stuff.”

Dean's constant compliments make Cas smile and blush a little.

”Let's go to the kitchen, shall we?” Cas asks and turns to the kitchen, with Dean following him.

Even though the rest of the apartment is filled with antique furniture, the kitchen's arsenal is top notch. There's a coffee maker, moccamaster, a blender, a microwave and all kinds of different appliances Dean can only dream about it. He looks at the kitchen in awe as he sits down and Cas starts making the coffee.

”You have a beautiful place, Cas.” Dean says and he means it. Their house is anything but; Paint chipping off the external walls, wallpaper peeling off, used furniture that are stolen from dumpsters.. Not to mention the location. It's not the shadiest place in town, but a lot of alcoholics and narks live there because the rents are cheap.

”Thank you. I've spent a lot of time making it mine.” Cas says and puts a cup of coffee in front of Dean. ”Milk and sugar, right?” He asks and Dean nods.

The first sip Dean takes makes his eyes widen. ”What kind of coffee is this?” He asks and eagerly takes another sip,

”Brazilian. I bought it last week but haven't tried it yet. Is it good?”

”Dude, it's awesome.” Dean says and Cas takes his first sip.

”It really is.” Cas says with a pleased hum.

They drink in silence, but when Cas pours them more, he decides it's time to open up to Dean about something.

”I want to tell you about Anna.” Cas says, face somber. Dean looks up to Cas from his cup and waits for his friend to continue talking.

Cas fidgets with his fingers, trying to think how to begin. ”She, uh, as you know, was the only sister I had. She .. She died a few years ago.” He says and sips more coffee, waiting for Dean's response.

”That … sucks. I'm sorry, Cas. Can I ask how she died?” Dean asks and Cas looks away.

 _This is harder than I thought .._ Cas thinks and fiddles with his fingers. He hesitates for a moment, but eventually he says, “She killed herself.”

Dean's eyes widen in shock. He did not expect that ..

”Oh my God, Cas, I’m so sorry..” Dean says and puts a comforting hand on Cas’ shoulder.

“It’s alright, Dean,” Cas says with a sad smile.  Dean’s hand is a warm and reassuring presence on his shoulder and gives him the courage to go on.  “Anna was...ill.  She suffered from schizophrenia and her symptoms only grew worse as the years went by.  She thought she heard angels…” Cas voice trails off and he looks down.

“You don’t have to tell me any more if you don’t want to, Cas,” Dean says gently.

Cas looks over at Dean and smiles.  “She was hospitalized for a while, we thought she was getting better and so she came home...but...I was the one who found her...in the bathtub…” Cas stops.  He can still see it in his mind, Anna’s red hair floating in the water, the pills spilled on the cold bathroom tiles, and the blood, there was so much of it.  By the time the paramedics had arrived, there was nothing left to be done, she was gone.  Cas looks over at Dean again, wondering if telling him had been a mistake.   

“Shit, Cas.  I’m sorry,” Dean says.  He squeezes Cas’ shoulder again and rubs it lightly.

”It's okay, Dean.” Cas smiles sadly. ”Anna killed herself because she was badly schizophrenic and it got worse the older she got. She claimed to hear angels and was eventually put in an institute. She got a little better and was released, but it didn't take long before she got worse. I found her naked in the bathtub, wrists slit open all the way to the elbow and empty pill bottles on the floor, along with massive amounts of blood. When the paramedics came, there was nothing to be done. She was already dead.”

When Cas finishes his story, he looks up to Dean, waiting for his reaction but is surprised to see Dean just somberly staring at the cup in his hands.

”Cas.. I don't know what to say.” He simply says and Cas shrugs.

”It's okay, you don't have to say anything.”

Dean nods and gets up from his chair. He walks around the table, in front of Cas and looks at him with sadness in his eyes. He has no idea what his friend is up to, but Dean being so close makes him blush. Before he can open his mouth and ask, Dean leans down and gently puts his arms around Cas who just sits there, a little shocked.

”I'm sorry you had to go through something like that.” Dean says and then Cas sneaks his arms around Dean's soft body.

”Thank you, Dean.” Cas says and closes his eyes.

They stay like that for a moment, just listening to each other's breathing.

”Come on, let's go to the couch.” Dean suggests after a while. They untangle their arms and walk to the living room. Dean sits down to the far left and pats his lap as he looks at Cas, who in return looks at his friend, confused.

”Lay down, Cas. Here.” Dean says and pats his lap again.

Cas does as he's told. He goes to lie down on the couch and puts his head a little warily onto Dean's lap.

”Mom used to do this to me when I was upset.” Dean explains and Cas just simply hums in response.

Cas tenses a little when he feels Dean's hand on his head, but soon relaxes when said hand starts to caress him. Not long after he sighs in content and closes his eyes.

45 minutes later they're still there, but when Dean glances at his watch, he notices how late it is. Cas has fallen asleep with his head on Dean's lap, and Dean doesn't want to wake him up, but he really needs to go.

”Cas”, He whispers, but gets no response. He tries again, a little harder this time and Cas hears him, but only groans as a reply.

”Cas, I really need to get home to Sammy..”

”Hnnmgh..” Cas groans again, nuzzles his face to Dean's oh so soft belly and Dean just sits there, panicking and blushing at the same time.

After he calms down, Dean huffs out an amused laugh and slaps Cas playfully on his head. ”Come on, Cas.”

Cas sighs, defeated, and gets up from the couch. If Dean had his camera with him, he'd take a picture because Cas looks so wrecked, in a cute way.

”Thanks, Cas. I'll text you when I get home.” Dean promises and makes his way to the door, with Cas shuffling behind him.

”Thanks for the coffee.” Dean says and exits the apartment, leaving Cas looking at the now closed wooden door with a tired look on his face.

Cas sighs and his forehead hits the door with a soft thud as he leans against it.

”I'm so deep in this thing..” He whispers and can't stop the blush from spreading all over his face and neck when he thinks of the kiss he placed on Dean's cheek.

After a while just standing there, Cas walks slowly to the kitchen and notices that the rest of their coffee, probably cold by now, is still in their mugs. Not wanting to waste good and expensive coffee, he drinks them in one go each and puts the mugs into the dishwasher.

As he walks back to the living room, he remembers that he was supposed to ask about Dean's birthday. Again. He's been meaning to do that since they arrived at Sioux Falls, but somehow he forgot. Maybe he was having such a good time it just slipped from his mind.

He sits down to the couch and turns on the TV, meaning to catch up on the news but for some reason he feels really restless..

His concentration is interrupted by his phone's beeping. It's from Dean, just as he promised.

_”Just got home, dad's still not here but I don't really care about him right now. At least it gives me and Sammy a chance to sleep in peace.”_

_”I'm sorry about your father, Dean. I wish I could do something to help.”_

_”Nah, it's okay. As long as you hang around things feel easier to deal with, you know?”_

_That, if nothing, makes Cas smile widely. From what he already knows about Dean, the younger man doesn't say stuff like this very easily._

_”I've been meaning to ask .. When's your birthday?”_

_”January 24th, so in a little over a week. Why?”_

_”I just thought if we'd have our date then .. If that's alright with you.”_

_”Yeah, sure. Sounds like a plan. Where are we going?”_

_”It's a surprise. >:)”_

_”Bah. Jerk. :(”_

Their brief conversation makes Cas smile. He never really thought that Dean would let him this close in such a short time, but he's glad to have Dean in his life.

He wishes to take their friendship further than it is, but he doesn't really know what Dean thinks.. He might not be interested in Cas at all, like the way Cas is interested in him.

Cas takes his phone and opens the picture he took of Dean and feels warmth spread through his chest.

As he thinks of Dean, Bobby's words echoing in his mind.

_”I don't want to see him get hurt again.”_

Because Cas is curious, he'd like to know what the grumpy old man meant, but for now, it's really none of his business. He needs to focus on next week.

Which reminds him to figure out what they'll be doing then .. It is also Dean's birthday, so it'll have to be something special.

After slouching on the couch and thinking, he finally comes up with something. He's gonna need help, though..

 

_At the Winchester household.._

 

”Sammy, how 'bout we eat something special before bedtime? Hell, we could stay up a little longer!” Dean says cheerfully as he puts his phone back to his pant pocket.

”What do you mean?”

”Like.. anything you want!”

”Okay, why are you so cheerful and smiley? You're freaking me out a little.” Sam teases.

”Because I'm happy, Sammy.”

 _Ah, so that's why.._ Sam thinks and shakes his head with a smirk on his face.

”Because of Cas?” He teases and Dean visibly tenses.

”W-well, because of him, and you .. and .. well, I'm just happy. I don't need a reason to be.”

”You're right. Hey, I think I'd like a pizza. We haven't had pizza in a long time.”

”Okay, pizza it is.”

Dean phones the pizzeria and orders them two pizzas.

Yeah, he's definitely happy.

 

\- -

 

Two days later Cas appears at the Winchester's front door early in the morning, hoping that Dean's still sleeping. He can see a faint light emitting from the kitchen and knocks the door thrice.

It doesn't take long for the door to open, and as Cas hoped, it's Sam.

”Cas? What are you doing here so early? Dean isn't awake yet. Do you want me to wake him up for you?”

”Hello, Sam. I'm actually here to see you.” Cas says, keeping his voice down.

”Me?” Sam asks, confused.

”Yes, you. I need your help with Dean's birthday present.”

”Oh, okay. Come in.” Sam invites Cas in and they go sit in the living room.

”Is your father home?” Cas asks.

”No, he's not here. So, what present did you have in mind?”

”Right, okay. Do you know if your mother wrote down any of her recipes?”

”Yeah, she did, actually. Dean keeps them safe in a box. I'll go get it, just a second..” Sam says and hurries to the kitchen. Cas can hear him rummaging through the cupboards and after a while Sam comes back to the living room, holding a large, wooden box in his hands.

”Here.” He says and hands over the box to Cas.

”So .. you're cooking for him?” Sam asks, a little curious.

”Yes. I want to make him his favourite.”

”Good luck with that. He always tells me that mom's cooking, any of her cooking, is his favourite. Oh, but, he does love mom's apple pie. He's tried making it himself, but according to him it doesn't taste the same, so he gave up.

Cas hums as he browses through the countless recipes. _Mary had very neat handwriting.._ He thinks.

”Can I take the whole box with me?” He suddenly asks and for a moment Sam seems doubtful.

”I was gonna say no, but Dean hardly ever uses mom's recipes anymore, so go ahead. Just, bring it back as soon as you can. I don't want to hear the rant if he notices that the box is gone..”

”I will bring it back as soon as possible. Thank you, Sam.” Cas says, stands up, walks to the hall with Sam behind him and puts his shoes and trench coat back on.

”Thank you again.” He says as he opens the door and steps out.

”No problem, Cas. See you later.”

”Yeah, see you.

And with that, Cas steps down from the porch and starts to walk to the nearest bus stop.

 

\- -

 

Dean hears faint sounds from downstairs and it wakes him up.

 _Cas? .. No, it must be a dream._ He thinks as he gets up from the bed to check the time.

”8am.. Jesus.” He sighs and falls back down. It doesn't take long for him to fall back asleep.

 

\- -

 

It's the day before Dean's birthday and Cas has been busy practicing Mary's recipes. The only problem he has, is that he doesn't know what they're supposed to taste like in the first place, so he's kind of doing this blindly and it frustrates him.

After hours of cooking and tasting, Cas finally decides on the dishes he's gonna make for Dean. Cheeseburgers, garlic bread and apple pie. It's not very special, but they’re Mary’s recipes after all. Cas hopes Dean will like them.

 

\- -

 

On the morning of Dean's birthday, Dean wakes up to his phone's beeping. He thought he turned it off last night before heading to bed, but apparently he didn't.

He crawls out of bed, tries to find his glasses and checks the phone once he does. It's a text message from Cas. It makes him blush furiously and his heartbeat quickens.

_”Good morning and happy 20th birthday, Dean. Come over tonight, I have a surprise for you.”_

A surprise? Dean hasn't had a surprise since.. well, since his mother died.

_”I'll be there. What time?”_

_”At 7 would be fine, if that's alright with you?”_

_”Yup, that's fine. See you then.”_

Dean can't help but feel a little anxious about it, but at the same time he feels excited. What could Cas have in store for him?

He spends the next few hours being a nervous wreck, imagining the worst case scenarios that could happen during the night and most importantly he wonders what Cas' surprise could be.

 

\- -

 

The closer the time gets to 7pm, the more nervous he gets. He's a little excited as well, but it shows up as anxiety and he can't quite figure out if what he's feeling is good or bad anxiety. He even considers cancelling altogether, but he can't do that to Cas. He'll just have to suck it up and deal with it. Who knows, maybe it'll turn out to be fun?

When he checks the time, it's half past 6 and he can't stand it anymore. He has to leave now.

”Sammy, you know the drill. Call me if dad gets home hammered and I'll come running.”

”Yeah, I know.” Sam mumbles back, eyes glued to the television as he watches a rerun of MacGyver. Dean shakes his head and smiles affectionately as he exits the house.

There's not much traffic, so Dean is at Cas' apartment building in less than fifteen minutes. He's not entirely sure if he should just go in a little early or wait in the car until it's 7pm exactly..

In the end he decides to go in. His heart is hammering in his chest as he opens the building's front door and walks behind the door where he knows Cas is waiting for him. After taking a deep breath, he knocks twice and hears Cas running to the door.

”Hello, Dean.” Cas greets him with a big smile when he opens the door. So big that his gums are showing and there are small crows feet in the corner of his eyes. It makes him look radiant somehow.

”Hi, Cas.” Dean smiles back and the older man steps aside to let him step inside, and once Dean is inside he walks into a wall of delicious smell – _Food?_

”What's that smell, Cas?” Dean asks as he takes off his shoes and jacket, and keeps sniffing the air.

”You'll see.” Cas hums, takes Dean's hand in his own and continues, ”Close your eyes.”

Once Dean closes his eyes, he feels Cas take few steps forward and follows him with uncertain steps, his grip on Cas' hand tightening. The closer they get to their destination, which Dean thinks might be the kitchen, the stronger the delicious smell grows.

Then they stop.

”Okay, you can open them now.” Cas says, but doesn't let go of Dean's hand.

Dean opens his eyes and stares at the scene in front of him.

Two tall, lit candles are at the center of the table and a bunch of flowers Dean doesn't recognize are in a vase between the two candles. There are three plates on each side of the table with empty glasses, freshly baked garlic bread next to the flower vase and a jug of water with lemons in it. The dishes are beautiful and Dean figures they must be expensive.

”What – what is all this?” He asks, astonished.

”It's our date and your birthday present. Sit down, here.. I used your mother's recipes, I hope they're half as good as hers.”

”My moms..? I .. I don’t know what to say..”

”Then don't say anything. Just eat. Here, let me serve you..”

Dean sits still on his chair while Cas puts the first plateful of food in front of him.

”It's your mother's cheeseburgers.” Cas says, sits down and waits for Dean to give it a taste before eating his own.

“Where did you get my mom’s recipes?” Dean suddenly asks, wondering where Cas got her mom’s recipes in the first place.

“Ah, Sam helped me. I owe him.” Cas smiles. He needs to thank Sam properly later.

As much as Dean would love to devour his mom's cheeseburgers, he feels a lump in his throat and his eyes sting. He takes the hamburger in his hands and takes a small bite from it, feeling Cas' eyes on him the entire time.

 _Oh my God, it's delicious.._ Dean thinks as he savours the taste of the burger and hums in approval.

”You like it?” Cas asks, eagerly leaning onto the table with his elbows.

”Cas, it's.. It's incredible.” Dean mumbles with his mouth full and Cas gives him that wonderful, big smile again before taking a bite of his own burger.

They eat in pleasant silence and after they're done with the burgers – they take seconds - Cas serves them the apple pie. When Dean sees it, he feels his eyes sting again.

”Cas..” He says, voice broken.

”I'm not sure if it's like your mother's pie, but I hope it's to your liking.” Cas says and doesn't leave Dean's side, waiting eagerly for the younger man to give it a taste.

Dean can feel himself shaking a lot, although he's pretty sure Cas doesn't notice it. He hasn't had his mother's apple pie in years and all the memories are rushing back in his mind..

Like, that time when Mary baked Dean apple pie after he had a bad day at school or when he hurt his knee trying to ride the bicycle for the first time without stabilizers. There's nothing in the world Dean loves more than his mother's apple pie, except for Mary herself.

Dean takes a spoon in his sweaty hand and cuts a large portion of the pie with it. Eating pie has never made him this anxious. Cas hovering next to him doesn't help, either, but he's too afraid to say anything about it.

He puts the spoon in his mouth and Cas leans in to see his reaction. Dean closes his eyes and tries to calm himself in an attempt not to burst into tears.

It's _just_  like his mother's.

Or he might be just imagining it, but to him it tastes like absolute perfection.

Dean's spoon falls from his hand and hits the plate with a loud clink.

”Dean, are you alright?” Cas asks and puts a hand on his shaking shoulder.

”It's perfect..” Dean weeps and tries to wipe away his tears, to no avail.

Cas drags a chair next to Dean. Sits down on it and puts his arms around Dean.

”Does it make you upset? Do you want me to take the pie away?” He asks and caresses Dean's tear streaked cheek with his thumb.

”Are you crazy,? No! It's the best damn thing in the world and I'm gonna eat it!” Dean cries and brushes away from Cas' embrace to continue eating. Cas opts to sitting next to him and watching him eat the pie, fresh tears shining in his eyes.

 

”Do you want more?” Cas asks when Dean is finished with his slice.

Dean nods, cheeks still full of pie. Cas stands up to cut Dean another slice, only bigger this time.

Not long after, the whole pie is gone and Dean is sated and no longer crying. His eyes are red from crying, though.

”Man, I wish you could make me pie every day.” Dean sighs and scratches his full belly.

”Don't give me any ideas.” Cas laughs and starts to clean the table as Dean stands up with some effort.

”Let me help you.” Dean offers, but Cas shakes his head.

”No. This is your day and you don't have to do anything. Just go lie down on the couch, I'll join you once I'm done here.”

Dean nods and heads for the living room couch. He arranges the decorative pillows and lies down, his back and head supported by the pillows. He takes off his glasses, rubs his tired eyes and stifles a yawn with his hand. He wishes he could open the zipper on his pants, but he can't do that here .. Instead, he sighs and closes his eyes. All that eating made him sleepy and it's not even 8.30 yet.. He knows he has to drive back home, but he'd rather stay here, where it's safe and warm.

Then he remembers that Sam's home, alone and defenseless against their possibly drunken dad. He shoots up from the couch just when Cas appears from the kitchen.

”What is it, Dean?” He asks, a little worried at the panic in his friend's features.

”Sammy's home, on his own.”

Cas understands immediately what Dean means. ”You can leave if you want to.” He says, a little disappointed that Dean's leaving so soon.

He's not expecting it, but Dean hugs him tightly. ”Thanks, Cas. You're the best.” Dean mumbles and the whole situation makes Cas speechless and stiff under Dean's arms. Eventually he relaxes but Dean's already pulling away from him, making him wish that the hug would've lasted longer.

”I'll text you when I'm home.” Dean says as he's putting on his shoes and jacket.

With a second, but quicker hug, Dean is out of the door, leaving Cas on his own. He hates it. He'd rather have Dean stay, but he knows that Dean needs to go home to Sam.

Cas truly hopes everything's alright at the Winchester household.

 

\- -

 

The text message never came.

 _Maybe he forgot about it?_ Cas thinks and tries to call Dean for the fifth time, but like previously, it goes to voicemail.

In the end Cas just sends him a message, asking if everything's alright, but he doesn't get a response.

 _Okay, something is really wrong …_ Cas can feel it in his gut, but there's nothing he can do. Dean won't answer his calls.

 

\- -

 

An hour later, he gets a call from a strange number.

”Castiel Novak.” He answers the phone and the first thing he hears is a panicked voice that belongs to Dean's brother, Sam.

”Cas? Hey, it's, uh, it's Sam.. I’m sorry, I got the number from Dean some time ago, in case of emergencies ..

 _Emergencies?_ ”Hello, Sam. Is everything alright?” Cas asks, trying to emit calmness with his steady voice to Sam through the phone. He hopes it'll help Sam calm down.

”I- I .. Cas ..  Dean’s been in an accident.”

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh and hey! Don't forget that I have a tumblr for this fic, where you can follow my progress and stuff. Haha. http://nothingcomparestoyoudestiel.tumblr.com/


	8. Everything will be alright tomorrow

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'M SO SORRY THIS IS SO LATE!!! But, hear me out, unless you have abandoned this fic in frustration, haha.. I was without internet for a long, long time because I moved into a new apartment and getting internet here was quite the hassle. But, here it is! Chapter 8! I've been writing chapter 9 in the meantime, so hopefully it won't take another two months before I post the next chapter..
> 
> I update my [NCTY](http://nothingcomparestoyoudestiel.tumblr.com/)-blog pretty often(more often than this fic, ha), so if you're wondering about the status of the fic, you can read about it in there!

Dean yawns as he walks to his car.

_ Man, I'm beat.. _

He opens the Impala's door a little clumsily and sits down in the driver's seat with a deep sigh. He tries to rub the tiredness away from his eyes, which actually does help a little. He clears his throat and starts up the engine, making the car roar to life.

Dean sits there for a moment with his eyes closed, listening to the engine's purr. It's one of the rare sounds that soothe him.

After flinching back to reality, he drives off of the curb and on to the street.

It doesn't take long for him to drive back home, but the route through downtown is much shorter .. And he's  _ so tired _ he just wants to go to sleep. So, it's only natural that he takes the shorter route.

His eyelids feel heavy, like there's a ton of weight hanging off of them. He closes them for maybe one second and the next thing he knows, everything is upside down and he can hear people yelling in the distance.

” _ Call an ambulance!!” _

” _ Check if the driver is okay!” _

Dean sluggishly blinks and sees someone kneeling next to the driver's window. Apparently they're talking to him, but he can't hear anything besides the sudden ringing in his ears.

Then all fades to black.

 

\- -

 

After the phone call with Sam, Cas makes a mad dash for the only hospital in North Haledon. Apparently Bobby is on his way from Sioux Falls as well, because he's Dean and Sam's emergency contact. Cas wonders for a second or two why their dad isn't their emergency contact, but he doesn't dwell too much on it. His mind is on Dean.

_ Dean. Dean. Dean. Dean. _

It's 3 miles to the hospital and Cas could easily take a bus or a cab, but he runs. He feels the  _ need  _ to run.

It doesn't take him a long time to get to the hospital. He could've stayed at home and go to the hospital with Sam and Bobby, but he couldn't just sit at home while Dean is possibly badly hurt.

He enters the hospital and approaches the first nurse he sees.

” Excuse me, I - I have a reason,  _ haaahh _ , to believe that my friend,  _ huff _ , has been brought here.. He.. He was in a car accident..” He tries to say, but he's not sure if the nurse understands anything because Cas is so out of breath after all that running.

”Are you family?” The nurse asks as Cas tries to regulate his breathing.

”N-no, I'm a friend.. Please, can you tell me where he is?” Cas asks, trying with all his might to appeal to the nurse with his pleading, blue eyes.

The nurse looks a little troubled. Cas figures that the nurse is not supposed to give out any information to non-family members, but he really hopes the nurse will give him at least  _ something _ ..

”There were two car accident victims brought here.. What's your friend's name?” The nurse asks, ready to write the name down.

”Dean Winchester.”

”Right. I'll see what I can do. In the meantime, please, sit down.” The nurse says and walks away, leaving Cas alone standing in the nearly empty waiting room.

  
\- -

 

An hour or two later Cas gets a text from Sam.

” _ Bobby's not here until morning, so we'll go to the hospital then. Dad can't come. See you there?” _

” _ I'm already here Sam, but I'll wait for you.” _

” _ You're already there? Wow.. If they tell you anything, text me. Okay?” _

” _ I will. Night, Sam.” _

” _ Goodnight, Cas.” _

As he's putting his phone away, the nurse from earlier approaches Cas.

”I found your friend. He's in surgery right now.”

”In surgery? Is.. is everything alright?” Cas asks, dread creeping up his spine.

“Well, since you’re not immediate family, I can’t go into specifics, but, once he’s out of surgery, I’ll let you know how he’s doing.” The nurse says, but Cas is too nervous to hear him. The nurse asks him something, but Cas doesn’t register it. He’s too nervous.

”Sir? Are there any family members present?” The nurse repeats his question and Cas finally hears him.

” He, uh... They'll be here in the morning. I guess I'm the only one here for him.”  _ The only one.. _

”Okay, I'll keep you updated, then.” The nurse says and walks away, once again leaving Cas on his own with no information on Dean whatsoever.

Cas slouches over, supports his elbows on his knees and buries his face in his hands, and let's out a deep sigh.

 

\- -

 

Cas falls asleep on the chair in an uncomfortable position and when he wakes up, his whole body feels like it's stuck. His joints crack as he straightens himself and stands up to stretch his stiff body.

”It's 4.am..” Cas glances over the wall clock in the room and sighs. He really should've waited until morning to get here, but the thought of Dean being here alone gives him strength to wait.

Cas wonders if the cafeteria is open at this hour. He decides to check it out and when he gets to the cafeteria, it is open, but very much empty. He figures he could drink a cup of coffee, or two, to help him stay up.

He orders a cup of coffee, black, sits down and sips it slowly while looking out of the window. It's dark outside, with a flurry of snow. It's not enough to cover the ground with, but it's still a very welcome sight. Cas loves snow.

He ends up drinking 4 cups of coffee before he gets up, leaves the cafeteria and goes back to the waiting room in case the nurse happens to walk by.

He doesn't. Cas sits there for two more hours before the nurse walks by, and he goes straight to Cas.

”Your friend is still in surgery but he's doing fine, given the circumstances. The surgery should be over in a couple of hours and once he wakes up, you're free to see him.”

Cas thanks the nurse as he hurries off to do other things he's required to do. Cas is grateful that the nurse finds time to come and tell him news about Dean. He knows how busy nurses usually are.

  
\- -

 

It's 9 in the morning and Cas has been nodding on and off on the same chair when he feels a hand on his shoulder.

”Hmm?” He groans, sits up straight and opens his eyes to see Sam looking at him.

”Morning, Cas.” It’s Sam. Bobby gives Cas a small wave from behind him.

”Good morning, Sam, Bobby. I'm glad you're here.” Cas says and stands up.

”I don't know if Dean's awake yet, but should we go and see him?” Sam asks impatiently, obviously worried about his brother.

”Yeah, let me find out where he's at.” Bobby says and goes to find a nurse.

”How did you sleep?” Sam asks and nudges at the chair with his head.

”Poorly. Very, very poorly. But I couldn't stay at home, knowing that he's here.”

”I know the feeling.. I couldn't sleep at all, I was thinking about him the whole night. I wish I could've come here last night as well, but Bobby managed to talk me into waiting until morning so we can come together.”

”It was a good choice, these chairs are very bad for sleeping.” Cas says, face serious, but it makes Sam chuckle lightly.

Bobby joins them after finding out where Dean is. ”He's in recovery room 147, on the 3 rd floor. Let's go.”

Once they get to the 3 rd floor and find the room 147, they're a little hesitant to go in.

”I'll go ask a nurse if it's okay for us to go in.” Bobby says and walks over to the nurse's station to talk with a young nurse sitting by the computer. Once he gets what he wants he returns to Sam and Cas.

”It's okay, we can go in. He's already been awake since after the surgery, so now he's just sleeping.” Bobby says and Cas pushes the door open. Dean's bed is in a joined room but the other beds are empty for now. They walk next to Dean's bed and tears fall from Sam's eyes when he sees his brother's bandaged face.

”It's okay, Sam.” Bobby says and hugs the younger Winchester while Cas studies Dean's sleeping face. It's good news that he's been awake already, because that means he's okay, but he wants to hear the words from Dean's own mouth..

Bobby pulls chairs for them to sit on, so they sit down and wait for Dean to wake up.

Fortunately, it doesn't take long. He groans loudly, clearly in pain and all three stand up and gather around the bed.

”Fuck...” Dean groans and when he opens his eyes, he sees the worried faces of Bobby, Sam and Cas.

”Hey guys.” He croaks with a lopsided smile. Sam hurries to his side, ready to hug his brother, but he hesitates when he takes in all the visible injuries, and Dean notices this.

“It’s okay, Sammy. Come here.” Dean says and spreads his arms, welcoming Sam in a hug. “Not too hard, though, okay?” He smiles. Sam sobs and finally embraces his brother. ”I'm okay, Sammy. I'm okay. It's okay.” He comforts his little brother as Sam sobs into his neck.

” Dean, I was..  _ we  _ were all so worried about you. What happened?” Cas asks and steps a little closer to Dean, who immediately locks his gaze with Cas'.

” I crashed .. Or someone crashed into me.. I just closed my eyes for one second and –” Dean says, voice cracking and  _ damn it _ , now he's on the verge of tears as well ..

”Hey, hey. Accidents happen, Dean. It's alright. The important thing is that you're alive and in one piece.” Bobby says and puts a comforting hand on Dean's shoulder. ”What do you say I get us some breakfast from the cafeteria, hmm?”

”Sounds good, Bobby. I already ate, but I could go for some pie.” Dean says and Sam finally stops sobbing and sits back down. He's still sniffling, though.

”Where's dad?” Dean asks, looking hopeful.

” He, uh, couldn't come..” Sam says silently and Dean sighs. He knows John didn't  _ want  _ to come.

” Right.” Dean only says.  _ Dad of the year..  _ He thinks.

”I know I'm gonna regret this question, but.. What does the Impala look like? Is it bad?” Dean asks and Sam shrugs.

”I don't know. Bobby went to see it, but he wouldn't let me come along.

_ Probably because the damage was so extensive and Bobby didn't want to alarm Sam..  _ Cas thinks.

”I was hoping I could fix her myself, but I guess that's not gonna happen..” Dean says and Cas can see the sadness seep into his features. Dean obviously loves his car.

Cas moves his chair closer to Dean and sits down as well. He's itching to take Dean's hand in his own, but Dean beats him to it.

”Thanks for coming, Cas. You didn't have to.” Dean says with a gentle smile and brushes his thumb on Cas' wrist. He's glad that Cas is here, he really is. He forgets about his dad as they hold hands.They stay like that until Bobby comes back with a bag full of food.

”Did they have pie?” Is the first thing Dean asks, and it makes the grumpy old man laugh lightly.

”Yeah, they did.” Bobby says and moves the bed's tray holder over Dean's lap so he can put the pie down on it for Dean to eat.

”Hold on Cas, I need to sit up..” Dean says, removes his hand from Cas' and when he tries to change his position on his own, he suddenly howls in pain.

”Dean?!” Cas worries and soon the young nurse Bobby spoke to earlier bursts into the room and hurries to Dean's side.

”Seems like the morphine is starting to wear off.” The nurse says and puts some more morphine in Dean's IV and soon his face smooths out from utter pain to bliss.

” Did you forget that you can't move? You have a  _ fractured pelvis _ . Here, I’ll show you how to control the bed with this.” The nurse scolds,gives Dean a remote and shows him how to use it. Dean immediately changes the bed’s position so that he’s more sitting than lying down.

When Dean looks at Cas, Sam and Bobby, the trio is looking back at him with horror on their faces.

”Are you alright?” Bobby asks.

”Yeah, I am now. My hips are pretty fucked up, but I forgot about the whole ”no-moving”-deal... I'm gonna need some kick ass painkillers when I get home.” Dean jokes, obviously trying to hide the real pain he's in.

”Do you know when you'll be able to come home?” Sam asks, hopeful.

”I don't know. Sorry, nerd.” Dean says, sorry to disappoint his brother. ”But I promise, I'll be home soon.”

Despite the unclear answer, Sam seems happy with it and smiles.

”How about we eat?” Bobby asks and they all gather around Dean's bed to eat.

  
\- -

 

Dean gets released from the hospital two weeks later. He's given strong painkillers and an order of bed rest, which he detests greatly. Sure, he likes to lie down and do nothing, but to be confined in bed?

Bobby, Sam and Cas are waiting for him by the front doors when a nurse wheels Dean to them in a wheelchair. Sam gives him a tight hug. Fortunately Bobby's been with him this whole time, so Dean hasn't had to worry about him, because of their dad.

”I'm sorry, Dean, but we're gonna have to put you in the back of the van.” Bobby says as they arrived at his old, trusty van.

” It's okay, I guess it's much easier like that.” Dean sighs, worrying about how they're gonna lift him  _ and _ the chair to the van in the first place.

”I can sit with you, if you want to.” Cas offers.

”Thanks, Cas.” Dean says with a smile on his face. Cas' offer lightens his mood significantly.

”Okay, we'll lift you up to the van now. Cas? You wanna help?” Bobby says and opens the backdoors to the van.

”Yeah, sure.”

The two lift Dean with some effort, but in the end they manage to get him in the van. Cas climbs after him and sits on the ground, across Dean.

”Once we get home, we agreed to move your things downstairs, if.. if that's alright with you.” Sam says from the front seat, looking back at his brother.

The thought of sharing the same space as their dad makes him a little nervous. He really hopes that John would leave for an undisclosed amount of time so he could heal in peace. Being stuck in the wheelchair is bad enough.. Did Sam and Bobby even ask his opinion about moving Dean's stuff downstairs?

”W-what about dad?” Dean asks, letting the nervousness bleed through.

”Don't worry, I'll take care of him.” Bobby says and they drive off of the hospital's parking lot.

  
\- -

 

Bobby has to drive really carefully, because every single bump on the road makes sharp pain jolt through Dean's body. Cas offers his hand for Dean to squeeze in pain, and Dean almost ends up breaking his hand when Bobby accidentally drives through a couple of bumps.

Finally they get to the Winchester household, and Bobby and Cas lift Dean out of the van and onto the ground, as carefully as they can. Sam opens the front door and because of the stairs, Dean needs to be maneuvered inside with some grunting from Bobby and Cas.

”We really need to make a ramp of some sorts, we can't possibly lift him everytime he goes outside.” Bobby says and wipes the fine sheen of sweat from his forehead.

”Or..” Cas starts, and everyone turns to look at him. ”I know this might come a little late, but .. How about Dean comes over to my place? There's very few stairs and my place is spacious enough for Dean to move about with the wheelchair. Sam could come, too.” Cas suggests, and Bobby, Sam and Dean look at one another.

”Are you sure?” Dean asks. ”I – We don't want to cause you too much trouble..”

”It's okay. You two can share my bedroom and I'll take the couch. It's actually quite comfortable to sleep in.”

Dean looks at Sam for his opinion.

”I really don't care where we stay, as long as I won't miss school.” Sam shrugs.

”You won't.” Cas promises.

”Well... Okay, I guess. But if we give you too much trouble, we can always leave.” Dean says and Sam smiles excitedly.

”Nonsense, you'll never be too much trouble.” Cas smiles and it makes Dean blush a little, and he looks away with a small, shy smile on his face.

”Sammy, go pack your things. Uh, Cas...”

”Yes?”

”I can't exactly go upstairs. Could you go pack me some clothes? Sammy will show you where they are.”

”Sure. I can do that. Maybe we should lift you back to the van first?” Cas asks, looking at Bobby who seems to share the sentiment.

They lift Dean back to the van, and Sam and Cas go inside the house and upstairs to pack their things.

”Dean's clothes are in here. Just.. grab something, we can always come back for more stuff.” Sam instructs Cas and starts to pack his own things to a old, brown duffle bag.

Cas opens Dean's drawer and starts to stuff clothes at random to the bag Sam gave him.

Socks, shirts, underwear.. Holding Dean's underwear makes him feel a little awkward, but he tries to ignore the feeling and continues his task.

_ Hmm? What's this?  _ Cas' hand finds something red and oddly silky under all the clothes, and he lifts it up to inspect it.

_ Oh my god.. _

It's a pair of red, silky panties with lace trimmings. Cas holds the panties in his hands and a blush rushes to his cheeks at record speed.

_ Why does Dean have a pair of panties in his drawer? _

He just can't stop looking at them. His dick gives an interested twitch as he imagines Dean in them, the panties hugging his soft, round behind..

When he hears Sam's voice calling out to him, he shoves the panties into the bag in a panic, without realizing he's done so.

”Are you done packing, Sam?” Cas asks, clears his throat and tries to will the flush away from his cheeks.

”Yeah, I'm done. Are you alright? Your face is bright red..” Sam says, honest concern in his voice.

”I'm alright, Sam. Thank you. Let's go.”

The two descend the stairs and go to the van, with Cas going to the back with Dean once again, but he cannot bear to look at his friend in the eyes.

Bobby starts the van, and they're off.

 

 

 

\- -

 

When Cas opens the door to his apartment and lets Sam in first, the young boy is amazed.

”Holy crap, Cas! Your place is huge!” He cheers and it makes Cas smile.

”Take your things to the bedroom, I'll help Bobby bring Dean inside.” Cas says and goes back outside. He and Bobby lift Dean off from the back of the van and Cas wheels him inside, next to the couch in the living room.

”Nice place you got yourself, kid.” Bobby comments, entering the apartment with Dean's duffel bag in hand. He hands it over to Cas who takes it to his bedroom and places it in the middle of his huge bed.

”Let me make some coffee,” Cas says.  He hurries to the kitchen and removes four mugs from one of the cupboards. He can't stop thinking about Dean in the wheelchair, being confined to such a small space.

Then he gets an idea. He has extra pies in the fridge from when he practiced making them, and decides to give some to Dean, in an attempt to cheer him up. After he makes the coffee, he calls Dean, Sam and Bobby to the kitchen and asks them to sit down around the table. Then he lowers a pie in front of Dean, who looks at Cas, puzzled.

”What’s this for?” Dean asks, immediately curious.

”For you.” Cas smiles. “It's blueberry pie. I figured you could use some cheering up, so ..”

”Thanks, Cas. You shouldn't have.” The smile on Dean’s face grows wider and it makes his eyes sparkle.

”Let me cut you a piece..” Cas says and turns around to grab a knife and a plate. The coffee is already done and poured into the mugs.

”Why don't you cut a piece for everyone, Cas? It's not fair that I'm the only one eating it..”

Cas does as Dean suggests and cuts a piece of pie for everyone, but Dean's slice is significantly bigger and everyone notices it, even Dean. It makes him smile. Sam thinks it's cute that Cas gave Dean the biggest slice.

”Someone might think that you're spoiling me, Cas.” Dean laughs.

”Well, you deserve it. You've been through a lot.”

”Thanks, Cas. You really shouldn't have.”

They sit and drink their coffee in pleasant silence and Dean ends up eating the rest of the pie. Bobby leaves an hour later, thanking him for the coffee and pie. He promises to come and check up on Dean in a few weeks.

Cas, Dean and Sam spend the rest of their day watching old shows on Netflix. After two hours of How I Met Your Mother, Dean starts shifting in his wheelchair and keeps grunting in pain.”Are you alright, Dean?” Cas asks, studying the pain on Dean's face.

”Yeah, just.. I think the painkillers are starting to wear off. It's getting uncomfortable to sit.”

”Well, how about we let you lie down on the couch?” Cas suggests and judging by the deep sigh from Dean, he likes that idea.Sam and Cas get up from the couch and help Dean lie down on it, and Cas flinches every single time Dean gasps or grunts from pain.

Soon he's lying on the couch, looking much, much more comfortable.

”Thanks guys. This is so much better.” Dean sighs and closes his eyes.

”Are you tired?” Sam asks, and Dean nods.”Maybe we should get you to bed, then?” He continues, but Dean shakes his head.

”Nah, 'm good here. Wanna stay with you guys.” He says, eyes still closed.

Dean's fallen asleep in ten minutes and Cas can't help but smile at the sight. He gets up from the armchair, picks up a blanket that's lying on the backrest of the couch and drapes it over Dean's sleeping form.

Only an hour later, Dean stirs from his sleep with a whine.”Hurts..” He whispers, voice cracking. Cas takes pity on him, and as much as he'd like to hold Dean and tell him that the pain will be gone, he can't really do that. He's afraid of hurting him even more.

”Should we get him to bed now, Cas?” Sam asks, and Cas nods.

”Yeah, I think that'd be for the best.”

The two maneuver Dean back into the wheelchair, wheel him to the bedroom and then, as carefully as possible, they lay him down onto the soft bed.

”We should also give him a painkiller for the night, just to be sure.” Cas says and Sam agrees, and goes to pick up Dean's painkillers from the kitchen with a glass of water.

”Here.” He says as he gives the pill and glass of water to Cas, who tries to gently shake Dean awake.

”Dean? Dean, I need you to take this..” He says, gently, and Dean opens his eyes just enough to see Cas holding a glass of water in front of his face.

Dean carefully lifts his upper body so he can drink the water. He takes the pill from Cas' other hand and slowly puts in his mouth. Cas deems that Dean is too out of it and holds the glass for him while he drinks.

”Good job, Dean. Good night.” He says and ruffles Dean's hair lovingly.

Sam goes back to the living room and Cas is about to follow after him, but he feels a tug at the hem of his shirt. When he looks down, he sees Dean's fingers grasping it.

”Dean?” Cas whispers and notices the small smile on Dean's face.

”Thanks, Cas.” Dean says, the words slurring a little. He blinks slowly and Cas can see that Dean's fighting to keep his eyes open.

”It's okay, Dean. Sleep.” Cas says, kneels to Dean's side and kisses him on the forehead. ”I'll take care of you and Sam.”

”Mmmmokay..” Dean moans and finally closes his eyes with a deep sigh.

When Cas walks back to the living room and closes the doors to his bedroom, Sam approaches him.

”You really care about my brother.” He says.

”Oh, you saw that? Heh .. Yes, I do. And I care about you, too.” Cas smiles, because he really does care about Sam as well.

They stand in an awkward silence for a while, both of them not knowing what to say, before Sam speaks up. ”Actually, I might wanna go to bed, too, if that's alright.”

”Of course it's alright, Sam.” Cas says with a reassuring smile. He goes and fixes the couch for himself to sleep in while Sam brushes his teeth in the bathroom and changes to his pyjamas. Before going to bed, he walks to Cas, who is already lying on the couch, and says:

”Thanks for everything, Cas.”

Cas nods, acknowledging Sam's gratitude and once he's done that, Sam goes to the bedroom. Cas can hear Dean mumble something as the younger Winchester climbs to bed, but he can't make out what it is. He huffs out an amused laugh, turns to his side and closes his eyes.

 

\- -

 

  
The next couple of weeks is mostly consists of Dean getting used to being in a wheelchair and lying down either in bed or the couch when sitting gets too uncomfortable. His pain killers are a saviour, but Dean doesn't want to take them every single time he's in pain. Only when he's in extreme pain. The strength of the pain has gradually been lessening so they count that as a win.

His physical therapist, Michelle, visits for the first time and she talks to Dean about her plan for him.She decides to allow Dean a few more weeks to recover before starting his physiotherapy. When she mentions swimming, Dean wants to hide away and never come out. How could he go to a public swimming pool, looking the way he does? He's fat and disgusting, and he's afraid of people looking at him and making fun of him or belittling him, like they've always done.

After Michelle leaves, Dean hides himself in Cas' bedroom. He gets into bed, now that he can do that himself, and stays there for the rest of the day. The same continues for a few days before Cas decides to intervene.

”Dean, you're gonna need to get out of bed one of these days.” Cas says, with a commanding tone in his voice, but Dean doesn't answer him. Cas sighs.

”Dean ..” He sits on the edge of the bed and puts a hand on Dean's shoulder. ”What's wrong?” He asks and expects no answer, although he hopes for one.

Against all odds, Dean sighs and says: ”I'm useless.”

”Because you're in a wheelchair?”

Dean nods, once.

”Dean, that's not your fault and you know it. Besides, the physical therapist said you're gonna get crutches soon so you can move about more freely. Isn't that something to look forward to?”

”I guess so..” Dean says and Cas almost doesn't hear it.

”Would you like to have pie?” Cas asks after a while and this time Dean gives a more enthusiastic nod. It makes Cas smile. ”I'll go buy the ingredients. I'll be back soon, and Sam will be home from school any moment, so you take that as a chance to rest for a bit.

It doesn't take long for Cas to go and buy the ingredients, and when he gets back home, Sam's already there and to Cas' surprise Dean is sitting in his wheelchair in the living room and watching TV.

”Hey.” He says with a tiny smile. Cas smiles back at him, but as soon as Dean looks away the smile fades away and is replaced with a sad frown.

”Does Dean get like this often?” Cas asks from Sam, who is doing his homework in the kitchen.

”Depressed? Yeah, sometimes. He tries to hide it, but he doesn't do it all that well.”

”I'm a little worried about him..” Cas says and glances at Dean, who's still watching TV with a sad look on his face.

”He'll bounce back in no time. He always does.” Sam says, confident in his brother. Sam has seen Dean like this many times, but he always gets better so Sam doesn't think of it as that big of a deal.

Cas says nothing to that and starts working on the pie.

 

  
\- -

  
  


Later that evening, Dean is lying on the couch, digesting the pie he ate and absolutely loved, but as much as it cheered him up, it didn't take long until Dean was back in his previous mindset. They're watching an old western movie from the TV and Dean tries to follow it, but his mind wanders elsewhere. He thinks about his situation and how he hates it. Dean is sure that Cas thinks of him as a burden, even though he doesn't voice it. It wouldn't be a surprise if he did think that, though. His dad always thought it was bothersome if he or Sam were sick, so the two tried their best to either hide it from him, or tried not to get sick at all, which was hard.

He hates being a burden. Apparently Cas had paid his hospital bill and that was the first thing that made him feel like this in the first place. Cas didn't say it out loud, but Dean knows he paid for it. The second thing was when Bobby called and told him that he's started to fix the Impala. Dean wanted to fix her himself, but of course he couldn't, so now Bobby is doing it for him and he hates it. He doesn't want to bother people with his problems.

Something funny happens in the movie, and Sam and Cas laugh, but when they see that Dean didn't, they mute the movie and turn to face him.

”Dean? Are you okay?” Sam asks and Dean is startled back to this world.

”Yeah, 'm fine.” He mumbles. ”I wanna go to bed.” He continues and starts getting up from the couch, with some effort.

Cas is ready to help him, but with the raise of Dean's hand, Cas halts and watches with worry as Dean tries to maneuver himself to the wheelchair. After some grunting and swearing, Dean is sitting on his wheelchair and he wheels himself to Cas' bedroom, closing the doors behind him. The movie is forgotten.

”I'll go talk to him.” Cas says and enters his bedroom. What he sees makes his heart break a little. Dean is looking out of the window – it's raining – and he looks so forlorn. ”Dean?” Cas says, trying to reach out for his friend, but Dean shakes his head.

”Leave me alone, Cas. Just... please.”

”Dean, I can hardly leave you alone when you’re obviously in pain.”

”I don't hurt at the moment. The painkillers are working.”

”That's not what I meant and you know it.”

A tense silence falls between them. Cas sits down on his bed and waits for Dean to speak.

It takes a long time, but eventually, Dean speaks. ”It's just.. I hate being a burden.”

”You're not a burden, Dean.” Cas says, trying to appeal to his friend.

”Yeah, that's what you say.”

”And I mean it. Dean, you are not a burden. I'm .. actually enjoying taking care of you. Makes me feel a lot closer to you.”

Dean doesn't respond to that, and Cas counts that as a small victory.

”What.. what about the hospital bill? You paid for that, right?”

Cas knows that if he says yes, Dean will feel even more of a burden.. ”Well.. I did pay for it, but it's

really not that big of a deal, Dean --”

”It is to me!” Dean yells and startles Cas. ”You've bought me all these gifts and, and … And you've treated me to pies and cakes over at Lunchbox Teas. How do you pay for all that? Plus this luxurious apartment and college? I don't want you wasting your money on me.”

After some silence, Cas decides to speak. ”I .. I didn't want to mention this yet, but.. I have money, Dean. Lots of it. I don't talk about it because I've had people take advantage of me because of it, but I know you wouldn't do something like that.

”Dean turns his wheelchair around so he can face Cas. ”And how do you know that?”

”I just do, Dean. I'm more than happy to spend my money on you, because I love seeing you so happy. Especially when you eat pie. Your eyes shine when you eat pie, did you know that?” Cas says and chuckles when a small blush finds its way on Dean's cheeks. He shakes his head slowly, not daring to look at Cas in the eye.

”Well, they do. And .. I would love to continue to make you happy.”

”W-what do you mean?”

Cas just smiles, stands up and kneels at Dean's feet. ”It means that I really like, you. Dean. I've said it before, I think .. And I really mean it. I know you might not believe it, and that's why I'd like to ask for a chance to prove it to you.” He says with a loving smile on his face and takes Dean's hand in his own. He squeezes it gently.

Then he reaches to cradle Dean's face between his hands and he stares Dean straight in his eyes. Dean doesn't see anything else but care and warmth in Cas' eyes, so he leans his forehead against Cas' and closes his eyes with a deep sigh.

They stay like that for a while: both keeping their eyes closed and breathing steadily while Cas caresses Dean's cheeks with his thumbs, until Cas speaks up.

”Dean.. I'd like to kiss you now. For real this time.” Cas feels Dean tense under his hands, but he lets Dean take the time he needs to reply.

”O-okay..” Dean whispers and opens his eyes to see Cas' blue eyes looking right back at him, but closes them again.

Cas leans in, still caressing Dean's cheeks and licks his lips. Then, he gently presses his lips against Dean's and lets them rest there for a moment before Dean opens his mouth and slides his tongue against Cas' lips, asking for permission to deepen the kiss, much to Cas' surprise. Suddenly, Cas can feel uncertainty radiating off of Dean, so he decides to take over the kiss, making Dean moan. Cas explores the inside of Dean's mouth with his tongue, before they have to break the kiss to breathe. Both of them are slightly out of breath, but Cas plunges for a second kiss, only shorter this time. He grips the hair at the back of Dean's neck and it makes Dean gasp in surprise.

”That was awesome.” Dean says, their lips only inches away. Dean eventually pulls a little back so he can see Cas' face, and he's greeted with one of the most sweetest smiles he's ever seen.

”Yeah.” Cas says with a happy sigh.

”So... Does.. Does this mean that we're .. Together?” Dean asks, a little embarrassed.

”If that's something you'd like.”

”Yeah.. Yeah, it is.” Dean admits. Cas smiles again and gives Dean a quick peck on his lips.  

 

 

 


	9. Poor, poor, pitiful me

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *bows deeply* I AM SO SORRY IT TOOK SO LONG TO POST THIS CHAPTER!! I've been having some health issues, I hope you can forgive me. As an apology, I decided to do TWO chapter illustrations for you! They're rather nsfw, just so you know.
> 
> This chapter is sort of a filler, but I hope you like it. ~

Dean knew his rehabilitation would be hard, but he had no idea it would be this hard. It took him some time just to learn how to stand again, let alone to walk with a walker. The physical therapist said that for some reason Dean's healing a little slower than people usually do, but she couldn't say why. Dean thinks it might be because of his weight and the physical therapist was just too nice to say it out loud.

Living with Cas has been like a vacation for Dean and Sam, despite the reason they were there. No drunk father, excellent food, warm water.. It was bliss. Not to mention that Cas kept making pies for Dean, who loved to eat them. Dean wasn't sure if Cas kept making them because he was happy of their new relationships status; but he didn't question it. He was getting lots of delicious pie, after all.

Being in a relationship with Cas is surprisingly.. comfortable. He feels more at ease these days, but at the same time he dreads the day him and Sam go back home. Not to mention, going back to school. He told Cas and his physical therapist that he didn't want to go to school until he was walking with a cane. With a walker it would have been an embarrassment, and another reason to bully him. He didn't want that.

Dean's been practicing with a cane for a couple of days now, and soon he and Sam would move back home. He wishes they could stay with Cas, but it was only a matter of time before this would come to an end.

”I really wish we didn't have to leave..” Dean whispers as he and Cas are resting on the bed.

Cas stirs from his sleep. He didn't realize that he had fallen asleep in the first place.. ”You're welcome to stay, if you want. These past few months have been great for me as well. It's... nice to have company.” He says and kisses Dean on his cheek, who hums contently in return.

”I bet Sam would like that, too. He's been much happier here than at home.” Dean says, turns over to face Cas Cas and nestles his face in the crook of Cas' neck. ”But, dad..” He adds, barely a whisper.

”I know, Dean.. I know. It's okay.” Cas comforts his boyfriend – he's still not used to calling Dean that – and puts his arms around Dean, and scoots closer to him. This, Cas really likes.. Having an intimate moment with Dean. They've been together for a while now, but Dean's too shy to show affection towards him, especially when Sam's around, so Cas really treasures these private moments.

As they lie down in bed, Cas starts caressing Dean's side with his left hand and gives him butterfly kisses, making Dean squirm in his hold. It's difficult for Dean to show affection with Sam around; but it's even harder for him to accept it from Cas, with or without Sam there. Dean likes the affection, sure, but he feels like he doesn't deserve it, so his instincts tell him to shy away from it.

Suddenly, Dean tenses under Cas' touch.

”Are you okay, Dean?” Cas asks, aware of Dean's problem with affection. He wishes he could make it disappear, but he's determined to help Dean through it, no matter how long it takes.

”Yeah..” Dean says, voice muffled by Cas' neck.

”If you want me to stop, just say so.”

Dean nods, but stays silent and Cas takes that as a permission to continue his ministrations. After a while, Dean relaxes with a long sigh.

They get up from the bed when Sam finally gets back from Jess' place. They haven't told him that they're an item and by Dean's request, they haven't come out in public with their relationship. It bothers Cas a little because he wants their thing to feel real, honest and free, not like it's a dirty secret. But, he understands, since Dean has dated only once before him and hadn't told Sam about it because it was an unhealthy relationship. That's all Cas knows, since Dean doesn't like to talk about it and Cas doesn't want to pry it out of him. After all, he's had his share of bad relationships and doesn't particularly like to talk about them. Maybe he'll tell Dean if he ever asks.

”Heya, Sammy. How was it over at Jess' place?” Dean asks as he emerges from the bedroom, with a tired looking Cas behind him.

”It was okay. We played video games and I ate dinner over there.”

”Did you do your homework?” Dean asks, voice stern.

”Duh, yes.” Sam rolls his eyes, but smiles nevertheless.

”Okay, good.” Dean nods and slowly walks into the kitchen with his walker. God, he feels like an old man when he walks with it. He can't wait to use the cane. Although a cane is also associated with old men, it's less awkward.

Dean's been away from school this whole time, but thanks to Cas, he's been able to keep up pretty well. Cas even started to ditch his soccer practices in order to help Dean study, but he doesn't seem to mind. In fact, he seems to enjoy his soccer-free time more and more. Dean and the whole school knows that he's the star player of the team, so naturally Cas has gotten a lot of complaints from his teammates, coach and even people he doesn't even know.

Eventually, Cas came to the conclusion that he’d have to quit the team, much to their dismay. However, Cas seems much happier and that's the only thing that matters to Dean.

They eat leftover pizza from yesterday that Cas made from scratch, and Dean's not gonna lie: Cas is one hell of a cook. He could eat Cas' cooking 24/7 and as far as he knows, Cas loves to cook.

”You should totally go to a chef school or something.” Dean says, mouth full of pizza. Cas looks up from his pizza to Dean.

”You really think so?”

”Hell yeah. Your cooking is awesome!" Dean says with a satisfied smile and takes a second slice of pizza.

Cas thinks about what Dean said for the rest of the evening, and as they're about to go to bed, Cas walks up to Dean.

”I think you're right.” Cas says.

”About what?” Dean asks, a little confused.

”That I should go to a cooking school. I'm gonna do it.” Cas says with a determined look on his face.

”That's great, Cas!” Dean cheers, with a wide smile on his face and gently pats Cas on his shoulder.

”I've always loved cooking, why not take it a little further? I mean, it's not like my father can stop me. He wanted me to be a doctor or a lawyer, but I have no interest in those.”

Cas is beaming and Dean loves it. He's never seen Cas this happy before and he's kind of proud that he's a part of the reason why Cas is happy.

”I think I'll look into some culinary schools immediately. Good night, Dean.” Cas says and gives him a quick peck on his lips, not even caring if Sam sees it. Fortunately for Dean, he doesn't, because Sam's brushing his teeth in the bathroom.

Dean walks to the bedroom with his fingers lingering on his lips and a slight blush on his cheeks.

 

\- -

 

Cas wakes up in the middle of the night when he feels his makeshift bed dip. He hears someone huff and puff as they settle into the bed and then there's a satisfied sigh.

Cas turns around and sees that it's Dean. _Who else would it be, assbutt?_ Cas thinks and shifts closer to Dean.

”Dean? Are you alright?” Cas asks, because Dean's never done this before. Sure, they've cuddled on the bed when Sam's not around, but they've never spent a night in the same bed.

”I had a nightmare.” Dean says softly after a moment of silence and he sounds so scared to Cas. He's lying with his back to Cas, so Cas can't see the expression on Dean's face. He tries to turn Dean around, but the younger man refuses. Cas leaves it at that and opts to spoon him, instead.

”I'm sorry about that, Dean. Do you want to talk abou it?”

”No.” Dean simply says, finally turns around and burrows his face under Cas' jaw.

”It's okay, you don't have to tell me about it if you don't want to.”

Dean hums in response and they stay silent for a while, until Cas starts to nod off and soon he falls asleep listening to Dean's breathing.

 

\- -

 

The next morning Cas is surprised to find that Dean is still lying next to him. He'd thought that Dean would go back to bed before morning, before Sam wakes up, but there he is: sleeping next to Cas like there's no worry in the world. It makes Cas smile fondly, because Dean looks so peaceful when he's asleep.

Cas gently caresses Dean's cheek with his thumb, making Dean stir in his sleep.

”Good morning, Dean.” Cas says softly as Dean slowly opens his eyes.

”Mmmmhh, mornin'..” Dean mumbles with a smile and stretches on the bed, which makes his shirt run up a little, giving Cas a small peek at the soft flesh underneath it. Cas wants to touch Dean's belly, badly, but he's sure Dean wouldn't like that.

”How did you sleep?” Cas asks, wriggles himself closer to Dean and gives him a kiss on his nose.

”Pretty good, actually.” _Thanks to you_ , Dean thinks, but leaves it unsaid. ”I'm gonna hit the shower before Sammy wakes up.” Dean says, gets up from the bed with some effort and notices that his walker isn't next to Cas' makeshift bed.

 _Where is my walker..?_ Dean wonders and when he looks in the general direction of the bedroom, he sees that his walker is sitting next to the bed.

_How did I get here without it?_

Cas seems to notice the same thing, as he stares at Dean, wide-eyed. ”Dean? Did you walk without your walker?” He asks, hopefulness radiating from his being. As much as he wants Dean to heal, at the same time he doesn't want he or Sam to leave.

”I.. I guess so.. I was so out of it last night that I must've forgot about it when I came to the living room.”

”Do you want to try to walk on your own to the bathroom?” Cas asks, and Dean looks at him, with a worried look on his face.

”It's a longer way to the bathroom than to the living room from your bedroom.. I don't know if I'll make it.” Dean says and hangs his head.

”I'll be with you, with every step of the way.” Cas says as he walks from his side of bed next to Dean and sits down.

While Cas' words mean a lot to him, he can't admit but be scared. He hasn't walked on his own in a long, long time, and now he's just supposed to do it?

Cas seems to notice Dean's hesitation. ”If you want, I can get your walker.” Just as he stands up from the bed, Dean grabs his wrist.

”No! I'm – I'm gonna try.” He says, with a determined look on his face.

”I'll be by your side to help you if anything goes wrong.”

Dean stands up on shaky legs and Cas is right by his side. He takes one wobbly step forward and almost trips, but he grabs Cas' hand for support.

”It's okay, take it easy.” Cas says, calmly, trying to encourage Dean who's still tightly holding Cas' hand.

They walk slowly, one step at a time, with Dean holding Cas' hand the whole time until they get to the bathroom safely.

”I – I did it!” Dean cheers with a big smile on his face.

”I knew you could do it, Dean. You did so well, I'm proud of you.” Cas compliments Dean, and is suddenly pulled into a tight hug and gets a kiss from Dean, straight on the lips. It takes both by surprise; He didn't expect to get a hug or a kiss.

”What was that for?” Cas asks, smiling as he holds Dean in his arms.

”I – I don't know.. Spur of the moment?” Dean says, shyly. Then he gives Cas another kiss, but this time it’s a quick peck on his lips.

”Thanks, Cas. For the support.” Dean says, not meeting Cas' gaze, but he still smiles.

”Anytime, Dean.” Cas says. ”I'll let you shower in peace. Holler if you need anything.”

”Okay.”

Cas leaves the bathroom to make breakfast. He wonders if it would be tacky to make Dean heart shaped pancakes...

While Cas starts making breakfast, Dean undresses in the bathroom. He puts his clothes on a small bench that's under the bathroom rack where their towels are hanging. Once he's naked, he inspects himself from the full body mirror. He sees the now healed scar on his hip and touches it.

 _The doctors said that I could've died..._ He muses as he runs his fingers along the slightly risen scar. He never told Cas or Sam about that, because he didn't want to worry them.

As he inspects his body from the mirror, he cups his soft breasts with his hands and sighs.

_I think they've gotten bigger... Fuck._

 

 

Then Dean grips his soft belly and jiggles it in his hands with a frown on his face.

_God, I'm so fat.. What the Hell does Cas see in me? He's athletic, in good shape and I'm... the exact opposite._

He turns to his side, still looking himself from the mirror, and feels absolutely disgusted. He has manboobs, or moobs, fat thighs and a belly that gets in his way. He can't even cut his toenails without effort or climb up a few stairs without gasping for breath because he gets so out of breath.

Maybe I'll ask Cas to start cooking healthier meals.. And take me along on his morning runs when my hip gets better.

Feeling like a fat loser, Dean goes under the shower and turns it on. Cas' bathroom is big enough to fit a bathtub and a separate shower. He stands under the spray of warm water and kicks himself mentally. How can Cas even like him when he looks like this?

After he's done showering and drying himself up, he puts his pyjamas back on and opens the bathroom door, letting all the steam get out.

”Cas? A little help here?” He hollers to Cas, whose head peeks from the kitchen. Dean supposes that he could walk the short distance himself, but he doesn't want to risk it and fall over, possibly hurting his hip.

”You're done? Hold on a sec.” Cas says and disappears back into the kitchen to flip the last pancake.

”Okay, let's do this.” Cas says as he emerges from the kitchen to help Dean. ”Where do you want to go?” He asks as he casually takes Dean's hand in his own.

”U-um, the kitchen, if breakfast is ready?”

”It's almost done. Let's go.”

They take one step at a time towards the kitchen, with Dean concentrating on how to walk without falling over. A part of him wants to just dash into the kitchen because he smells pancakes, but he needs to take this slow. He doesn't want to jeopardise his rehabilitation.

”Dean! You're walking!” Sam cheers as he enters the living room and as soon as Sam addresses his brother, Dean quickly takes his hand away from Cas' hold.

”Morning, Sammy. And yes, I am.” Dean smiles, suddenly feeling proud of himself, which is rare.

”How did you do it?” Sam asks, and Dean hesitates. He doesn't want to tell his brother that he seeked out comfort from Cas in the middle of the night by crawling in bed with him.

”Your brother walked from the bedroom to the living room half asleep when I noticed that he didn't have his walker. Just to be sure that he doesn't fall, I suggested that I support him if needed.”

”That's awesome, Dean! Michelle will be so happy.” Sam says, walks to his brother and hugs him.

 _Right, Michelle .._ They're going swimming this week. It's easy on his hips, but not on his self-esteem.

”Cas.. Can we get going? I'm not really comfortable standing so long with my whole weight on my hips.” Dean asks, shifting on his legs. The fracture has healed, but Dean can still feel slicing pain in it if he puts too much pressure on it.

  
”Oh, sure.” Cas says, takes Dean's hand in his own once again and they continue their way to the kitchen, with Sam going ahead of them.

Cas helps Dean sit down, even if he doesn't really need help with that anymore, but he appreciates the gesture. Cas then serves them some pancakes and puts a syrup bottle onto the table.

”Here's some syrup should anyone want it.”

And of course Dean wants it, but he's not sure if he should, because of what he just saw in the mirror.

Sam and Cas pour some syrup on their pancakes, so Dean decides to do the same. It would be rude not to, since Sam and Cas did it, too.

When Dean takes his first bite, he's in heaven. ”Cas, you're spoiling us.” He says, mouth full of pancakes.

Cas doesn't say anything, just smiles and hums in response.

They eat in pleasant silence. Sam gets ready for school and so is Cas, leaving Dean sitting in the kitchen in his pyjamas.

While he doesn't particularly like school, he absolutely hates that he can't go there and instead has to sit here and do nothing. If he could, he'd take a walk outside, without his walker, but it's still way too soon for that.

Around 1pm, he gets a text from Cas.

_Remember to do the exercises Michelle showed you. :)_

_Right, those.. Dean thinks._

Just as he's about to start, the doorbell rings.

_Who could that be?_

Dean takes his walker, walks to the front door and opens it. It's a delivery boy, holding a big bouquet of different flowers.

”Dean Winchester?” The delivery boy asks and Dean nods. ”I have a delivery for you. Sign here.” The boy says and gives Dean an electronic device where he's supposed to sign his name. After he does, the delivery boy gives the bouquet to him and leaves.

 _I wonder who sent it? Was it Cas? That sap .._ Dean smiles as he searches the bouquet for a card, but doesn't find one.

 _Huh, that's odd._ Dean thinks as he slowly makes his way to the kitchen, to put the flowers in water.

He places the vase in the middle of the kitchen table and it looks absolutely beautiful. It has various flowers in it, but not too much to make it look like a mess. The person who made this really does have an eye for this stuff.

He's not sure if Cas sent it, but he wants it to be .. So, he texts Cas.

_"Hey, Cas? Did you send me flowers?”_

He doesn't get a reply immediately, which means that Cas is in class. _That's alright_ , Dean thinks. _I'll just do my exercises in the meantime._

 

\- -

 

When Dean's halfway through his exercise, his phone beeps. Just as he assumes, it's a text from Cas.

 

_”No. Why?”_

_”I just got a bunch of flowers from someone. The bouquet didn't have a card with it so I don't know who sent them.”_

_”Looks like I may have a rival, then. ;)”_

_”Shut up.”_

_”I bet you're blushing right now.”_

_”Am not.”_

_”If you want, we can cuddle when I get home.”_

That makes Dean sputter a little. He likes the idea, sure, but they'll have to make sure that Sam isn't around. He just isn't ready to tell his little brother that he's involved with Cas..

_”Sure, if Sammy isn't around.”_

_”We can send him to the movies, if that's alright with you.”_

_”Sure, why not. Maybe he could take Jess with him?”_

_”Sounds good. When he gets home, talk to him about it.”_

_”Yeah, I will.”_

After that, Dean continues with his exercises. The exercises don't leave him sweaty, so he doesn't need to take a second shower, so he just switches from his exercise clothes to his everyday clothes and goes into the kitchen, meaning to make himself a cup of coffee.

As he drinks the coffee, he can't help but stare at the flowers he received.

”I wonder who sent you..” Dean says, more to himself than the flowers. He gently touches one flower's petals and it feels like silk.

”Well, whoever it was, it was a nice gesture from them. I've never gotten flowers before..”

Despite drinking the coffee, Dean feels tired. He kinda wants to take a nap, but at the same time he doesn't, incase he ends up taking one with Cas later.

Then, he gets an idea: Cas has done all the cooking so far during their stay at his apartment, so maybe Dean could surprise him by making dinner.

Dean checks kitchen cupboards to see what Cas has in store, but doesn't find anything very interesting, which makes him rethink the whole thing. Cas' cooking is way better than his, so why would he even try?

Eventually he manages to find a bag of macaroni behind Cas' tea collection. If they have any cheese, he could make mac 'n cheese for them. It's nothing special, but he's made it for Sam probably a thousand times and his little brother has always loved it, even if Dean had to improvise from time to time.

Dean opens the the fridge and to his joy, there's a little bit of cheese left. He takes it out of the fridge with a satisfied grin and gets to business. Sam should be home soon, and Cas as well, unless he decided that he's gonna hang out at the library after classes.

Making mac 'n cheese is a quick job, so Dean decides to wait until Sam's school day is over and by the time he comes home, dinner should be done.

Suddenly Dean realizes what he was just thinking. It makes him smile fondly, albeit a little sadly. He thinks of Cas' apartment as home, as weird as it does sound, even to him, but this is the first time in years he feels at home somewhere. Then, reality strikes. He and Sam will have to move back to their dad soon. Dean would much rather stay here, with Cas, but he knows that that's just wishful thinking. Cas hasn't slept in his room in God knows how long, and Dean's sure he misses his own space, even if he does seem to enjoy having Dean and Sam around.

His good mood has suddenly gone sour, Dean almost burns their dinner while immersed in his thoughts, but the sound of the door opening alerts him back to reality and he moves the kettle off of the stove.

”Hey, Sam. How was your day?” Dean hollers from the kitchen, assuming that it's Sam who came back.

”Fine.” Sam hollers back. ”We watched a documentary about whales.”

”Was it interesting?” Dean asks as Sam walks into the kitchen.

”It was okay.” Sam says as he plops down to a chair with a sigh.

”Is everything okay?” Dean asks, turning away from the stove to face Sam.

”Yeah, everything's fine, but..”

”But..?”

”I – I think I have a crush on Jess.” Sam finally admits, his face flushed. It makes Dean smirk.

”You finally admit it to yourself, huh?” Dean teases.

”Huh?”

”I've known you have a crush on her since the first time you brought her home after school with you.”

”Oh..”

”But it's good you finally told me.” Dean says and ruffles Sam's hair. ”Want some dinner?” He asks and Sam nods.

”Maybe we could wait until Cas gets home?”

_There's that word again: Home. Does Sam think of this place as a home, too?_

”Good call. He should be back soon. Wanna talk about your crush on Jess in the meantime?”

”Eugh, not really.”

”Suit yourself.”

A moment of silence passes until Sam speaks again.

”How... How do I tell her?”

”The best approach is just to tell her how you feel and see if she likes you back.”

”What if she doesn't?”

”Don't worry, Sammy. If she doesn't, she doesn't know what she's missing out on. If she does like you, you're only allowed to hold hands, got it?”

”Hold hands? But, Dean – ”

”You're way too young for dating, Sammy. You're - - Oh God.”

”What?”

”It's – It's your birthday soon. How could I have forgotten? It's almost May..” Dean sighs and runs his hand through his hair.

”Yeah, well, it's still a couple of weeks away, Dean. Don't worry about it.”

”But – ”

”No buts, Dean. It's okay. You've been through a lot during these past few months, it's not a surprise it slipped your mind.”

”Are you sure?”

”Yeah, I'm sure.” Sam says, trying to smile reassuringly to Dean.

”If you say so...”

”Hey, where did these flowers come from?” Sam asks, chaging the subject.

”I don't actually know. A delivery boy just brought them earlier today.”

”Who are they for?”

”For... For me, apparently.”

”Ooooh, from who?”

”I don't know, there wasn't a card included.. The delivery boy just said that they were addressed to me.”

”They're nice.”

”Yeah, they are.”

Their moment of appreciating the flowers is soon disturbed by the front door opening and closing.

”Honey, I'm home!” Cas yells jokingly, but it makes Dean's belly twist in excitement and a blush spreads on his cheeks.

”We're in the kitchen!” Sam hollers to Cas and soon he joins them.

”Dean's got a secret admirer.” Sam teases with a wide grin as Cas enters the kitchen.

”Oh, really?” Cas asks, looking at Dean with a playful smile on his face.

”Come on, it's probably nothing like that...” Dean says, trying to play it cool but his embarrassment bleeds through. ”Anyway, I made dinner!” He cheers. ”It's nothing special, but I hope you'll like it.”

”I'm sure it's good.” Cas says and Sam agrees.

”Dean's cooking is really good. What did you make?”

”Mac and cheese.”

”You know, as impossible as it might sound, I've actually never eaten macaroni and cheese, but I know it's pretty famous.” Cas says, much to Dean's amazement.

”Well, you're in luck, then.” Sam says. ”Dean makes the best mac and cheese in the world!”

”I wouldn't say it's the best in the world..” Dean says as he puts generous amounts of his cooking on Sam's and Cas' plates. He doesn't put any for himself, though.

”Why aren't you eating?” Cas asks.

”I, uh, ate earlier.” Dean lies and hopes Cas doesn't pry any further.

Luckily for Dean, Cas just nods and takes a forkful of food, puts it in his mouth and chews it slowly.

”You were right, Sam. This is really good.” Cas compliments the cooking, making Dean smile shyly.

Thanks, Cas.” Dean says.

”Thank you for doing this.” Cas then says in return, and he and Sam eat their mac and cheese in silence, with Dean watching them with a fond look on his face.

Then he remembers what he and Cas were talking about. Sending Sam to the movies and spending the night together.

”Hey, Sammy?” Dean starts. ”Would you like to go to the movies with Jess?”

”W-with Jess?”

”Yeah, why not take her with? I'm sure she'd appreciate it.” Dean says and Cas nods in agreement.

”I-I don't know...” Sam says, suddenly feeling shy.

”I think it's a great idea.” Cas chimes in, his eyes on Sam. He wouldn't mind telling the younger Winchester that he and Dean are dating, but Dean wishes to keep it to themselves and Cas respects that. If he could decide, he wouldn't send Sam away just to have some quality time with his boyfriend, but what's done is done. Perhaps one day Dean will be ready to tell Sam. Cas' gaze switches from Sam to Dean.

”I guess I could go.. I haven't gone to the movies in ages.” Sam finally decides.

”Here's some money for the tickets...” Cas says as he digs around his wallet. He ends up giving Sam $30, because he has no idea how much the tickets are gonna cost. ”You can spend the rest on movie snacks if you like.” He says and Sam gleefully thanks him.

”I'm gonna call her!” Sam says, leaves the kitchen to make the call, leaving Cas and Dean alone in the kitchen.

The first thing Cas does is stand up, walk over to Dean and gives him a kiss.

”How was your day?” Dean asks and Cas sighs.

”I wasn't able to concentrate because I kept thinking about you and culinary school.”

”Me? What about me?”

”About how we're going to spend the night together.” Cas says and it makes Dean huff out an embarrassed laugh. Cas leans in to kiss him again and Dean kisses him back, but pulls back after a while.

”Not yet. Sammy...” He whispers and Cas nods, gives a quick peck on Dean's lips and starts clearing the table.

Sam comes back to the kitchen with a wide smile on his face. ”I called Jess, her dad's gonna pick me up in an hour and drive us to the movies.”

”Why does he need to take you there? Can't you just take the bus?” Dean asks and Sam shakes his head.

”Jess' dad is super protective of her. He's gonna pick us up after the movies, too.”

”Well, I guess it's alright.. At least it's safer that way.” Dean says, arms crossed over his chest. ”In the meantime, you should do your homework.”

Sam nods and goes to the living room to do his homework. Well, as much as he can do in an hour.

”I'm gonna take a bath while we wait.” Cas tells Dean and if he's honest with himself, he'd like Dean to join him. However, he knows that Dean has problems with his appearance, which Cas can understand, but on the other hand, can't. He thinks that there's nothing wrong with Dean's body, but if he told that to Dean, the younger man wouldn't believe a word he says.

”Okay, I guess I'll just watch some TV, then.” Dean says and joins Sam in the living room, with Cas checking out his behind. Dean's wearing loose pants to hide his curves, which Cas hopes he wouldn't do. After seeing the panties mixed in the rest of Dean's clothing, he hasn't been able to stop thinking about Dean wearing them. He's thinking about it right now, even, and has to will the image away before he ends up walking around the apartment with a tent in his pants.

He goes to the bathroom, starts filling the tub and now he just has to wait.

Once the tub is full, Cas disrobes himself and slowly lowers himself to the warm water and sighs in content once he's in.

An image pops into his mind again. It's Dean in the same panties, but this time he's lying on his back on Cas' bed, with his thick thighs spread. Cas likes this image, and he can finally let his cock stir to life.

He feels kind of guilty for thinking about Dean in this manner so early in their relationship, but he can't help it. The image he sees when he closes his eyes is too good to resist. He gently strokes his cock as he imagines Dean spreading his legs wider for Cas, revealing a dark, wet spot on the panties.

”Oh...” Cas moans as he revels in the sight he imagines.

 

Not wanting to alarm Dean or Sam in the living room with his moans and groans, Cas tries to be quiet.

 

 

 

 

Unfortunately for him, Dean catches a few moans coming from the bathroom. He's not sure what they are at first, so his curiosity takes over and he walks to the bathroom door and presses his ear to the door's wooden surface. Just as he's about to call out to Cas to ask if he's okay, Dean hears Cas moaning his name. Dean quickly walks away from the door, face flushed bright red.

 _He .. he can't be... Is he..?_ Dean wonders, not able to put together a coherent sentence in his head.

Is Cas really masturbating while imagining him...?

Dean's cock gives an interested twitch at the thought of Cas pleasuring himself, and Dean's hands flies to his crotch in panic.

”Is everything okay, Dean?” Sam asks, lifting his gaze from his books to Dean, who's standing with his back to Sam.

”Y-yeah, everything's fine. Just... Do your homework.” Dean says and hurries to Cas' bedroom in shame.

_It's way too early for this kind of stuff to happen..._

Sure, they've made out a little in the past, but that's it. The thought of having sex with Cas makes Dean feel scared and embarrassed. There's no way Cas will like what he sees once Dean takes off his clothes. That Dean's fat and disgusting.

He's having fun with Cas, sure, but he's not sure if he's ready for things to get .. physical, or too serious. His previous relationship, with Alastair, taught him not to let people get too close to him, because in the end someone will get hurt.

Mood turning sour, Dean lies down on the bed with a deep sigh. He thinks about suggesting just cuddling to Cas instead of a make-out session, because he really isn't in the mood anymore.

Cas emerges from the bathroom, dressed and with his hair still wet, looking very pleased. He notices the absence of Dean in the living room and follows his instincts and goes to his bedroom. Sure enough, he finds Dean lying on the bed with a somber look on his face.

”Hey. Everything okay?” Cas asks, voice soft.

Dean turns his head to look at Cas and smiles sadly. ”Just a little tired.” He lies.

Cas crouches next to him, gives him a kiss on his forehead and runs his fingers through Dean's hair.

”We can take it easy tonight.” Cas says, his voice still soft.

Dean nods with a small smile on his lips, which makes Cas smile as well. He runs his fingers through Dean's hair once more, stands up and goes to the living room.

Dean feels tears stinging in his eyes and tries to will them away by biting his lower lip.

_He's too good for me..._

 

\- -

 

When Sam leaves for the movies, Cas lights candles all over the living room and bedroom, puts some soft Jazz on the stereo and joins Dean, who's still lying down in bed.

”So, what do you want to do?” Cas asks as he spoons Dean and nuzzles his face into Dean's neck.

”I...” Dean starts, but grows silent with a deep sigh.

”What is it, Dean?” Cas asks and tries to turn Dean around to face him, but the younger man refuses.

Finally, Dean speaks. ”Could... Could we just, I don't know.. Just lie down like this?” He whispers and Cas can hear the sadness and tiredness in his voice.

”Yes, of course.” Cas says soothingly and scoots even closer to Dean, holding him tightly.

They lie in silence, with the exception of the Jazz playing in the living room and their breathing.

Dean feels a little flutter in his chest.

 _Cas is so warm..._ He thinks, content. As crazy as it sounds to Dean, maybe Cas really _does_ like him?

Listening to Cas' breathing, Dean starts to nod off.

Suddenly, he feels Cas' lips brush the back of his neck, and he stiffens. Then he feels Cas stiffen as well.

Rhey lie there, in the bed, both stiff. They've kissed a couple of times, sure, but this is entirely new.

After what feels like hours but is only seconds, Dean just sighs and lets his body relax, seemingly accepting Cas' kiss. It makes Cas breathe out in relief and Dean can feel the lips on his neck once again.

Dean decides to turn around, puts his arms around Cas and holds him tightly. Cas smiles as he feels Dean’s finger draw small swirls on his back. It’s a little ticklish, but Cas is grateful and happy to receive affection from Dean. It’s not something the young man does unprompted, after all.

As Cas slowly strokes Dean’s hair, Dean starts to fall asleep once again, feeling safe and secure in Cas’ arms, worries about moving back home forgotten for the time being.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you're wondering who sent the flowers, you'll find out soon enough. ~ ;9 In the meantime, send me your best guesses!!
> 
> As a bonus apology, I drew you this chibi!Dean!
> 
>  
> 
> You can also find it on my [art tumblr](http://lamppudraws.tumblr.com), like the chapter illustrations!!


	10. The first cut is the deepest

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so sorry for being late again. I decided that I'll try to write a little shorter chapters in order to be able to post more often.
> 
> There's self-harm in this chapter, just a fyi.

Dean's finally back in school, using a cane to help him walk, and his return seems like it's not welcomed after Cas quit the soccer team. Apparently everyone blamed him for that.

He feels nervous when he walks down the halls, but it helps him to keep calm as long as Cas is with him. In fact, Cas hasn't left his side at all, besides to attend his own classes.

Dean still hasn't driven the Impala after the accident, even though Bobby fixed her up a long time ago. As much as he loves the car, his heart starts beating fast and anxiety takes over whenever he tries to drive the Impala, or even just when he sits there on the driver's seat with the car not moving anywhere. He tries to tell himself that it's okay – that he needs time to heal mentally. Anybody would be a little nervous to drive a car, or just be a passenger after a near fatal car accident.

Then there's the whole deal with moving back home. Dean's not proud of it, but for the past couple of weeks he's been pretending that he still needs the support of a cane to walk. Truth is, he can walk just fine but the thought of going back home, back to their dad.. He'd be happier to stay with Cas a little longer, but he's sure Cas would like to get his apartment and privacy back. Dean knows that him and Cas haven't been together all that long, but he feels at ease with him. Cas makes him feel like he's where he's supposed to be. Dean hasn't been able to tell Cas how happy he is that they met. Every time he tries, something completely mundane comes out.

Dean and Cas are walking down the hallway, Dean immersed in his thoughts. Then he feels a hand on his shoulder and it snaps him back to reality.

”Are you alright, Dean?” Cas asks, worried over how quiet his boyfriend has been today.

”I'm... I'm fine. Just thinking.”

”Want to talk about it?” Cas' grip on Dean's shoulder tightens in reassurance.

”Not here. Maybe later, when we're somewhere more private.”

Cas nods, seemingly pleased with the answer, and they continue to walk down the hallway, towards Dean's next class.

”Well, I've got another hour before my next class starts. I'll head down to the library and kill some time there.” Cas says as they finally reach the classroom.

”My day is over after this class. Do you want me to wait for you?” Dean asks as he fixes the collar on Cas' button up.

”You don't have to. The sooner you get back home to rest, the better.”

There's that word again... _Home._ Does Cas really mean that? Of course it's home for him, but maybe he's starting to think of it as Dean's and Sam's home, too?

”You think too much, Dean.” Cas says fondly when he notices Dean thinking again and gives him him a quick kiss on the corner of his lips.

_He did NOT just kiss me in school._ Dean blushes furiously.

”I'll see you at home.” Cas says and with that, he walks away.

Dean is still in shock from the quick kiss. _What if someone saw?!_

He takes a look around and it seems that people didn't notice them after all. He sighs from relief and enters the classroom. He goes to sit in the back row, where he finds it easier to be.

 

\- -

After nearly falling asleep during the class, Dean is relieved that it's finally over. Sometimes he wonders why he started college in the first place. Sam should be the one to attend college, he's far smarter than Dean despite his young age. Honestly, it was just a waste of money in his case.

Dean is outside before he even notices. When he looks back, he sees a group of girls, all of them whispering amongst themselves. He tries not to judge people based on how they look, but he's had bad experiences with girls like this.

He decides to ignore them, and heads to the bus stop.

When he arrives there, he notices that the girl group had followed him. They approach him, giggling and whispering to one another. Dean looks at them questioningly.

”You're Dean Winchester, right?” One of the girls asks while the others continue giggling.

”Yeah...” Dean replies, unsure of where this is going.

”Meg Masters says that you're gay.”

”W-What?” Dean feels his heartbeat quickening and he stumbles back a little.

”Yeah, and that you totally have the hots for Castiel Novak.”

Dean swallows and looks down at his shoes, blushing madly.

”So it's true!” The girl shrieks and Dean wishes they'd be a little quieter, but he's too nervous to say anything, so he just stands there, gaze down.

”Do you think Castiel likes you back? I don't think that he's gay, though...” One of the girls from the back says.

”If Castiel Novak is gay I'm gonna hang myself.”

”Well, even if he is, there's no way he'd be interested in someone like _him_...”

”True. I'm sure Castiel would prefer the more _athletic_ type.”

Dean knows that the girls are just talking, and that it's just words, but it still hurts. He's still looking at the ground, hoping the girls would just leave.

After some more giggling, the girls finally leave.

Dean knows that Cas likes him. He does... Doesn't he? Dean thinks as he waits for the bus, eyes stinging with unshed tears.

When the bus finally comes, Dean pays the driver and goes to sit down to the back of the bus, not making any eye contact with anyone. He puts on his earphones and starts to listen to music, tuning out the outside world and its problems.

 

\- -

Dean opens the door to Cas' apartment, throws his bag by the coat stand, drags himself to the bedroom and falls down onto the bed, face first. He lies there like that for a few minutes, before turning to his side so he can breathe. He looks out the window.

_It looks like it's gonna rain..._ Dean sighs and pulls the covers over him, hugs the pillow and stares out of the window, waiting for the rain to start.

 

\- -

 

Some time later Dean is startled up by a loud clap of thunder outside. It appears that he had fallen asleep, but he hasn't slept all that long because Cas and Sam aren't home yet.

_Sam should be home by now, though.. Oh, that's right. He's studying with Jess tonight._

Dean fixes his crooked glasses and slowly gets up. He sits on the edge of the bed for a moment and watches as it pours outside, the girls' words still in his head.

_There's no way he'd be interested in someone like **him**..._

_I'm sure Castiel would prefer the more **athletic** type._

_What if the girls are right? Maybe Cas really does prefer more athletic men... It's only a matter of time before he gets sick of me..._ Dean thinks and slumps on the edge of the bed.

Suddenly, his hands start shaking. In fact, Dean is shaking all over. It's not long before he starts to hyperventilate.

Dean gets up from the bed and stumbles to the kitchen. He notices the knives on the counter and tightly grabs one in his shaking hand. He hasn't done this in a while, and he knows he shouldn't, but... It helps him, somehow. He's not sure why or how.

Dean picks up one of the knives, drops his pants down to the knees and sits down on a chair. He tries to take a deep breath, but he can't.

The knife cuts his thigh and blood pours out from the wound. There are other cuts on his thigh, old ones, that have healed a long time ago. Dean sighs. This was his first cut in three years. When he was with Alastair, he used to cut all the time and after they broke up, he was able to stop, but now... He's failed. He cut again. And it was all because of those stupid girls.

Thinking of the girls and what they said bring tears to Dean's eyes and he feels anger bubbling inside of him. He brings the knife again to his thigh and cuts again, and again, and again as tears fall down his round face.

His hands are still shaking. He starts rocking back and forth on the chair, his hand still clutching the knife.

Dean lets out a pitiful wail, drops the knife down to the floor and doubles over.

He stays like that for a moment, as he tries to calm himself down. It takes a while, but eventually his breathing stabilizes and he's not crying anymore.

He sits up straight, looks at the mess on his thigh and sighs. Now you've done it.... He thinks as he wipes away the tears from his face. He picks up the knife from the floor, cleans it and puts it back in its place, takes his pants all the way off and slowly walks to the bathroom to clean his cuts. The disinfectant burns, no matter how carefully he applies it to the cuts.

 

After he's done with that, he puts his pants back on and as he gets to the living room, he's greeted by Cas' smiling face.

”Hey, Dean. I'm home.” He says, still smiling and Dean can't help but smile back. Cas' smile is so... _sincere_ it makes Dean want to cry. Scratch that, he is crying.

”Dean? What's wrong?” Cas asks, his smile turning into a worried frown. Dean runs into his arms, buries his face to Cas' shoulder and just shakes in his arms. Cas is so confused that he doesn't even realize that Dean ran.

”Sshh, Dean, it's alright. I'm here. You're okay.” He says and gently strokes Dean's hair.

When Dean is upset, Cas usually lies down in bed with him and holds him, and that is what he's gonna do now.

"Come on, Dean. Let's go to bed.” He says and feels Dean nod. He takes Dean's hand in his own and leads him to the bedroom and down to the bed. He puts some blankets around Dean, wrapping him in them, and then lies down next to him.

"I'm here when you're ready to talk.” He whispers gently and Dean nods again.

  
  


\- -

  
  


Eventually Dean softly cries himself to sleep and Cas starts to wonder what had upset his boyfriend so. Did something happen at school? He'll have to ask about it from Dean later, if the younger man is willing to talk in the first place.

Then Cas hears someone opening the front door with a key, and deems that it's Sam who's finally back. He doesn't want to leave Dean's side, but gets up anyway and walks to greet Sam.

"Hello, Sam. Welcome back."

"Hey, Cas. Where's Dean?"

"He's sleeping. Something's wrong.. When I got home he started crying, but, he won’t tell me what’s bothering him.”

"Crying? Dean never cries. Well, maybe a tear or two, but he never really _cries_ , you know?"

"Well, he did cry. I was wondering if .. If it's okay with you if I lie down in bed with him? It seemed to calm him down."

"You don't need my permission to do that, Cas. I know you two are together."

"You .. You knew?"

"Of course. I'm not blind, you know." Sam smiles innocently.

"Thanks, Sam." Cas smiles and walks back to the bedroom to lie by Dean's side. He carefully lowers himself next to Dean, who immediately rolls over to his arms with a content sigh.

  
  


\- -

  
  


Dean sleeps soundly through the night, securely in Cas' arms. Cas, on the other hand, stays up pretty much the whole night watching over Dean in case he gets nightmares. He doesn't, fortunately, and Cas manages to catch some sleep in the early hours of the morning.

He hears Sam leave for school and he should leave soon, too, but he decides to stay home with Dean. He thinks Dean could use a break after what happened yesterday, and they'll go back to school tomorrow if things look good.

  
  


\- -

  
  


Cas wakes up a little later, and sees from the alarm clock that it's almost noon. Dean's still sleeping. As much as Cas hates the idea to get up and leave Dean here alone, he has to get breakfast started. He wants to make something special for Dean, so he needs to start get working.

As slowly and carefully as he can, Cas gets up from the bed and tip toes to the living room, closing the bedroom doors behind him with a faint click. He walks to the kitchen and tries to figure out what exactly he'll make for Dean. Pancakes?

He settles for pancakes. Cas searches for the ingredients for the pancake batter from the kitchen cupboards and after he's gathered them all, he gets down to business.

The pancake batter is ready in no time, and it's time to start cooking them. He decides to use his heart mold to make Dean's pancakes heart shaped. He cooks normal, round ones for himself.

He accidentally burns a couple of the pancakes because he keeps thinking about yesterday, but other than that, he's successful with them.

After he's done with the pancakes, he sets the table ready and decides to go wake Dean up.

"Dean... Wake up, sweetheart. " Cas says softly and brushes his fingers through Dean's hair.

"Mmmhmhhh... Don' wanna wake up yet..." Dean moans and tries to turn away from Cas, but Cas rolls him back.

"I made you a special breakfast. Come on, let's go eat."

At that, Dean slowly opens one eye and sees Cas smiling down at him.

"Okay." He says and Cas helps him get up from the bed, and they walk to the kitchen, holding hands.

"I made you pancakes. I hope you like them." Cas says as Dean sits down, and looks at the breakfast with tired eyes.

"Cas... You shouldn't have." He says with a small smile. Dean's eyes are a little swollen from the crying, which gives him a tired look. He is tired, though. He'd be glad to be still sleeping, but seeing what Cas has made for him makes his heart flutter.

They begin to eat, and they do it in silence. That is, until Cas breaks it.

"Dean."

"Hmm?"

"Are you feeling any better now? What happened?"

"…"

"Please, Dean. Talk to me. You know you can trust me."

Dean seems to think about it for a moment, but shakes his head. "It's okay, Cas. It was nothing."

"It wasn't 'nothing', Dean. I haven't seen you cry like that. Not since that incident back at Lunchbox Teas a long time ago when you had the panic attack. Please, talk to me."

"I... I don't know what to say."

"Just tell me what happened."

Dean looks down at his hands. What good would it do to tell Cas about what happened?

"I'm sorry, Cas... I don't wanna talk about it right now." Dean says and leaves the kitchen, after eating only two pancakes.

Cas sighs and runs a hand through his face in frustration.

"I just want to help you, Dean..." He says softly and pinches the bridge of his nose. He doesn't understand why Dean won't talk to him when he's upset.

He sighs and starts to clean the table.


	11. There's a heavy cloud inside my head

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> lol sorry about the delay, AGAIN ...... I'll try to be faster in the future. I've been having a rough time lately, but I guess that's no excuse. No matter how long it takes me to post a chapter I will NOT give up on this fic. Keep that in mind. I really want to finish this, and I will do so, no matter how long it takes. Hopefully not too long, though. Haha.
> 
> Happy 2016 everyone!!

Dean knew this day had to come eventually. No matter how much he tried to deny it, it was finally time to go back home.

_But it's not home anymore,_ Dean thinks. He's sure that Sam thinks that, too.

Cas didn't really have to go with Dean and Sam, but he insisted. Dean doesn't know how Cas feels about them going back, but he's sure he's at least somewhat glad to have them out of his apartment.

They walk slowly to the house from the bus stop, mainly because Dean couldn't walk too long distances without his hip starting to act out, but also because Dean wanted to prolong the walk as much as he could.

Dean doesn't want to go back home. Back to their dad. He wishes John isn't there when they get there, but from what he's heard from Bobby, John's supposed to be at Sioux Falls. Dean has no idea what their father has been up to these past few months and frankly he doesn't really care.

Their house comes to view and Dean feels anxiety choking him. He almost stops, but continues to walk forward.

The Impala is on the driveway, covered in a thin layer of pollen and it makes his heart ache. He has to wash his Baby as soon as he can.

Sam opens the door to their house and what they see is endless amounts of beer, vodka and whiskey bottles. Lots of take out packages too. The smell is foul and it makes them cough.

”We should probably clean before you get settled back in. I can help.” Cas offers. Polite and considerate as always.

They step inside, watching their step and the first thing they do, is open all the windows. The front door stays open, too. They gather all the empty bottles in plastic bags and place them outside on the overgrown lawn and as much as Dean tries to stop him, Cas insists that he washes the downstairs floors. Upstairs isn't as bad as downstairs, because John spends all his time downstairs. He rarely goes upstairs. Dean lets Cas mop the floors and the meantime he and Sam clean the takeout packages and carry the trash outside, next to the bottle bags.

After Cas is done with the floors, the place smells much better. Lemon-y. Now that the place is somewhat decent, they go upstairs and unpack their stuff. There's not much, because they didn't take all that much with them to begin with, but over the few months Cas has bought them some new stuff, like clothes and school supplies for Sammy.

”How about we take the bottles to the store?” Cas suggests and they agree that Sam will go with him while Dean does some tidying up upstairs. Like, change the sheets in their beds.

 

\- -

Cas and Sam buy some groceries with the money they get from the bottles, so that they'll have something to eat. They didn't think of checking the cupboards for food, but they assume they're empty.

Once they get back, they find Dean in the living room, lying down on the couch with his eyes closed.

”Are you alright, Dean?” Cas asks, a little worried that Dean has exhausted himself.

”Yeah, I'm okay. Just got bored.” Dean says and gets up from the couch.

”We bought some food.” Sam says and holds out the grocery bag for Dean to see.

”Nice.” Dean says and they all head in the kitchen.

”I can cook for you, if you want me to.” Cas says and Dean's eyes light up.

”Sure. One last meal, right?”

”I can still come over and cook for you, if you want to.”Cas offers, but Dean shakes his head.

” Nah, we're not under your roof anymore so you don't have to help.” Dean says and Cas is a little disappointed.

”I... I can come and visit, right?” Cas asks, a little timidly.

”What? Cas, of course!” Dean exclaims and grabs Cas by his shoulders and looks deep in his eyes. ”You're always welcome here.”

”And you're welcome to my place anytime you want.” Cas says and they hold their gazes for a moment. Maybe a little more than a moment, because soon Sam is clearing his throat behind them and they part, both blushing. Sam just smiles and goes to the kitchen with Dean and Cas behind him.

Cas takes Dean's hand in his own and looks back to Dean's eyes. Dean blushes and licks his lips, but doesn't let go.

 

\- -

 

They've been back at home for a week now, and there's no sign of John. Which Dean doesn't mind, and he's sure Sam doesn't, either. As far as they know, John's with Bobby.

Cas has visited them every single day since they've been back and Dean's glad that he has. They come back together after school and all three of them work on their homework together in the kitchen.

 

\- -

 

It's a cold autumn night when their landline phone rings. The three of them have had a great night, watching some old animated Disney movies but the phone's ringing interrupts them. Sam runs to the phone and Cas pauses the movie, even though they've already watched this movie in the past.

The phone conversation doesn't last long and soon Sam is back in the living room. His expression is morose and it has Dean and Cas a little worried.

”What's up, Sam?” Dean asks.

”It was Bobby. Dad's gonna come back home tomorrow.” Sam says as he looks down at his feet.

”Shit.” Dean curses.

”Is he as bad as you say, Dean?” Cas asks.

”Yeah, maybe even worse.” Dean sighs.

”I'm sorry, Dean. Maybe we should hang out at my place from now on?” Cas suggests and Dean smiles at him sadly.

”Yeah. Yeah, that sounds good.”

 

\- -

 

After Cas leaves that night, both Dean and Sam feel a little uneasy.

”Think he's changed with Bobby?” Sam asks, silently, as they sit in the kitchen and eat leftovers from dinner.

”I sure hope so, Sam.”

 

\- -

 

When they wake up in the morning, they feel nervous the whole time until their dad comes home. They're downstairs, ready to welcome him as he drives one of Bobby's old cars to the driveway.

The front door opens, and Dean bites his lower lip.

Both Sam and Dean are surprised to see that their father's face looks healthy. No dark circles under the eyes, no sunken cheeks and grey skin. This might be the first time in years where John has been this sober.

”Hey, boys.” John smiles, that charming smile of his, and Sam is sold. He runs to his father's hands and they hug tightly, but Dean stays where he stands.

”Come on, Dean. Hug your old man.” John says and beckons Dean to come to him.

Dean does so, involuntarily. He gives his dad a quick hug and a smile.

"Welcome home, dad.” He says with a forced smile.

 

\- -

 

Now that John has sworn to sobriety, he starts looking for a job and Dean dreams of a brighter future. However, he doesn't expect much, because this has happened before. John goes to Bobby's and sobers up, comes back home and doesn't drink for a while but then it goes all down the drain. Dean hopes it doesn't happen this time, but he's still a little pessimistic about it. He's learned not to expect anything from life, because he doesn't want to be disappointed.

 

\- -

 

Dean and Sam continue to go to school, and Cas still visits them every day. John is there, because he still hasn't found a job, but Dean is glad that he's at least sober. He doesn't mind having his dad around when he's sober.

However, John still hasn't found a job. He's tried everything, but no one seems to be hiring. He went to the unemployment office, but they had nothing to offer. Their money is still tight, but at least all the money doesn't go to booze. Cas offers to help, but Dean doesn't want to take his money because they're not living under Cas' roof anymore. Cas respects Dean's decision, even though he still wants to help.

When John doesn't find a job after weeks of job hunting, Dean decides to give it a try. Maybe they want someone young? He leaves applications to different places, including the grocery store near them. He sent them an application a while ago, but heard nothing back. Maybe that'll be different this time.

Against all odds, Dean finds a job, but it's on the other side of the town. It's a little bar no one really knows except the regular customers, but Dean doesn't mind. If he could choose, he wouldn't work at a bar, but beggars can't be choosers. He's only 20, but they let him work there anyway. Seems like the owner doesn't really care about how old his workers and customers are.

He starts the very next day, and works one week straight. He does the night shift, because he has to go to school during the day. Even though he's working, he wants to keep going to school.

Naturally, working the night shift starts to take a toll on him and he starts to fall behind in school. He's not badly behind, but sometimes he's so tired he just doesn't have the energy to do homework. He could probably save an hour or two everyday if he'd just drive to work and school, but he's still afraid of getting behind the wheel.

He barely has time for Cas, and that's what bothers him the most. They see each other in school and text during the night, but Dean still misses hanging out with him outside of school.

 

\- -

 

Dean doesn't really like working at the bar. Old, toothless men keep hitting on him and it makes him incredibly uncomfortable. Fortunately Cas' texts cheer him up and give him the strength to go on.

But nothing makes him feel better when he feels like he's being watched. All the customers are regulars, so he has no idea who could it be. Maybe he's just being paranoid? This is yet another reason to start driving the Impala to work, but... Whenever he sits behind the wheel his heart starts pounding and his vision blurs.

After a particularly uncomfortable shift, Dean closes the bar and walks to the bus stop. The bus doesn't come very often in the middle of the night, close to morning, so he waits under a lamp post, listening to his MP3 player.

He feels eyes on him, but no matter how many times he looks around, he doesn't see anyone.

_ Maybe I am just being paranoid... _

30 minutes later, the bus comes and it takes another 30 to get home. It would take longer, but during the night time there's not that many passengers.

He feels the uneasiness in his stomach as he walks from the bus stop to the house. There was no one in the bus but him, but he just can't shake the feeling of having someone following him. He doesn't see anyone, but if there really is someone following him, they're doing a goddamn good job at staying hidden.

He gets to the house and quietly unlocks the front door. He takes off his shoes and tip toes to upstairs, not wanting to wake dad or Sam.

He's too tired to change from his work clothes, so he just crawls in the bed and falls asleep almost immediately.

 

\- -

 

Cas notices Dean's exhaustion, but doesn't say anything about it as much as he'd like to.

But enough is enough.

”Dean, are you getting enough sleep?” Cas asks as they sit outside the college campus and Dean keeps nodding of during their conversation.

” 'm fucking tired, Cas.” Dean miraculously admits as he takes off his glasses to rub his tired eyes.

He rarely admits when there's something wrong, so he must be very exhausted. Cas thinks.

”Do you get enough days off from work?” Cas asks.

Dean hasn't told Cas where he works, because he doesn't want Cas worrying about him.

”Not really, no... but I need the money.” Dean admits after a long yawn. ”I can't really skip school, either.”

”I wish I could help. I could give you some money to --”

”No, Cas!” Dean cries out. ”Thanks, but no thanks. I can't always count on you to take care of me.”

When Dean looks at Cas, he seems hurt. ”I'm sorry, Cas. I didn't mean to yell at you like that. It's just... Work is tiring, school is tiring and it isn't easier at home now that dad's drinking again...” Dean says before he realizes what he's said. He's kept John's drinking a secret from Cas, not wanting to worry him, but it seems that his tiredness made him slip it out.

”John's drinking again? Why didn't you say anything?”

"It's not that big of a deal...”

”It is, Dean. How's Sam handling it?”

”He spends most of his time at Jess' place, or in our room. Dad rarely goes upstairs anyway, and I've told Sam to lock the door if he's in a violent mood.”

”Has he... Has he ever hurt you?”

”Yeah, he has, in the past.” Dean admits and Cas gasps next to him, anger making his nostrils flare.

”Then why are you still living with him?!”

”Cas, please, don't yell... It's just, I promised my mom that I'd take care of dad, and I can't leave him on his own, you know?”

”But... Aren't you worried about Sam?”

”Sam rarely gets on his nerves, so dad has no reason to attack him.”

”Then, you...”

”Hey, hey, it's okay. I'm used to it.”

”But that doesn't make it okay, Dean.”

”I know, I know... But, it's okay. I can defend myself.” Dean says with a smirk and a wink, but it doesn't convince Cas, whose worry about Dean, and Sam, keeps growing.

”I need to get home. I gotta get ready for work.” Dean says and gets up from the bench. Cas stands up, too.

”See you tomorrow.” Dean says and gives Cas a chaste kiss on the lips.

”Yeah, see you.” Cas says, long after Dean is gone.

 

\- -

 

When Dean gets home, there's no one there. He's not surprised, though. Sam must be at Jess' and dad must be at a bar somewhere.

_ Oh, shit, I forgot about the mail.  _ Dean thinks and goes back outside for it. There's not much, mostly just junk mail, but a brown envelope with his name on it gets his attention.

_ What's this? _

He walks back to the house, to the kitchen and absent mindedly throws the rest of the mail on the table.

Dean doesn't think much of the envelope, until he opens it. There's a note inside and he notices that it's been written with an old typewriter.

 

_ I hope you enjoyed the flowers. _

__ \- A _ _

 

 

If Dean wasn't already sitting, he'd probably lose his footing. His breath quickens.

_ How does he know that I'm here...?! _

He runs to the living room window, trying to look for anyone suspicious, but sees no one other than his neighbors.

Crippled with anxiety, Dean runs around the house to close all the curtains and makes sure the front door is locked. Then he runs to his room and lets the panic attack take over, and falls to his knees.

It all comes back to him in a flash.

_ No one will ever love you like I do. _

_ You’re nothing without me! Nothing! _

_ Threaten me all you like, Dean, you’re not gonna leave. You can’t and you won’t. _

_ Take off your clothes, Dean! Or do I have to do it for you? _

_ Worthless piece of shit! _

_ Watch what you eat, fat ass. _

_ That’s a good boy. _

It takes him a long time to calm down, but he's left feeling incredibly exhausted and low, and he has no idea how he's gonna get over this.

After the panic attack, he walks slowly to the bathroom to wash his face. He'd take a shower but he's too tired.

He takes off his glasses and splashes cold water on his face, but he doesn't feel any better. Then he spots an old razor blade in the open mirror cabinet. Without thinking he grabs the razor blade and slides it horizontally along his left wrist.

Once he realizes what he's done, he drops the razor blade and it falls into the sink, blood mixing with the water. He watches as the blood drips from his arm to the floor and he feels fresh tears in his eyes.

 

_ What the fuck am I going to do... _

  
  


\- -

 

After getting the note, Dean feels paralyzed. He stops going to school entirely, which has Cas worried. He tries to visit Dean, but Dean always makes some half assed excuse. Dean's also been absent from work, but he doesn't really care about work anymore. He knows he'll have to go back eventually, or he'll be fired.

Sam is spending more and more time with Jess, which Dean doesn't mind, but he feels incredibly lonely. He tries to reason with himself, telling himself that Sam is safer with Jess than at home, with him and their dad. Well, their dad isn't really home that often, now that he's back into drinking again.

Dean's also been cutting more and more because of the note, but fortunately no one has any idea, because he wears only long sleeved shirts. Even when he sleeps.

 

\- -

 

On a cold autumn night, Cas decides to surprise Dean by going to the house unannounced. Cas knows Dean might be upset at first, but he's sure his boyfriend will understand that he's only worried.

The Impala is still parked on the driveway, like on the day when he escorted Dean and Sam back home. It seems Dean hasn't had the chance to wash it, since the layer of pollen is even thicker than back then.

Cas knocks the door, twice. When he gets no response, he rings the bell and waits. Still no response. He tries the door handle, seeing if the door is unlocked, and to his joy it is. He enters the house quietly, takes off his shoes and tiptoes upstairs. He opens the door to Dean and Sam's room, and is greeted by darkness. He hears Dean shifting on the bed.

”Who's there?” Dean's meek voice speaks and Cas feels his heart break a little.

”It's me, Dean. Cas.” Cas announces and Dean turns on the bedside lamp, revealing his face and Cas notices his red, swollen eyes and black rimmed eyes. Dean's hair is messy and greasy, like it hasn't been washed in a long time.

”I haven't seen you in two weeks. Are you alright?” Cas asks with a soft voice as he walks towards Dean's bed and kneels beside it.

”What are you doing here?” Dean says, instead, ignoring Cas' question altogether.

”I... I wanted to see you. You haven't answered my texts and I got worried. I miss you.” Cas admits to Dean, who seems unphased by this.

”I'm fine, Cas. Just a little tired.” Dean says but Cas doesn't believe it.

”Dean, you know you can talk to me about anything.” Cas says and tries to take Dean's hand in his, but Dean pulls his hand back before Cas' fingers even touch him.

”Please, Cas...” Dean says, biting his lower lip.

”If you don't want me here, just say so.” Cas says silently, feeling hurt that his boyfriend denies him like this.

Dean sighs, but doesn't tell Cas to leave.

”Do you want to cuddle?” Cas asks after a while, knowing that this brings comfort to Dean when he's feeling distressed. Dean nods and Cas climbs to bed with him.

"Cas… Am I enough?” Dean asks, his voice silent and shaking.

Cas doesn’t need to think for a response. “You are more than enough, Dean.”

”I love you.” Cas says after a while and Dean stops breathing for a second or two. This was the first time either of them has said that and it caught Dean by surprise, to say the least. He has no idea what to say to that, so he says nothing. He turns to his side, rests his head on Cas' chest as Cas squeezes him closer to him.

”I mean that, Dean. I rarely say that to anyone, but... I really love you.” Cas continues and Dean feels tears in his eyes. His lower lip trembles as he tries to keep the tears at bay.

It's been almost a year since they met, but Cas is certain of his feelings. He's sure he's loved Dean on some level ever since he saw him, but over time his feelings grew.

Despite Dean's obvious mental struggles, Cas loves him.  
  
“Sleep, Dean.” Cas says. “I’ll watch over you.”


	12. Somebody's watching me

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay. So. 
> 
> I owe you a deep, DEEP apology. It's been almost a YEAR without me updating this story. I literally have no good excuse, but I hope you understand. My illnesses took a turn for the worse, then I got better and focused on my art, and weeks just flew by and I never got around to write.. But I hope that'll change.
> 
> Here is a short, filler-like chapter, because I wanted to give you SOMETHING while I work on the "real stuff". I have already started writing the new chapter, so I truly, TRULY hope it won't take me another ~year to finish it.
> 
> I sincerely apologize. I hope you'll understand.
> 
> This chapter has been beta-ed by only one of my betas, so if there's any mistakes, consider them mine.
> 
> I apologize again. If you want to be up to date with my writing progress, go here: http://nothingcomparestoyoudestiel.tumblr.com/
> 
> ALSO! I am seeking for new betas. Send me a msg on tumblr(on the address above) if you're interested!

Winter is again slowly making its way to North Haledon, and Dean is glad that summer is over. Dean muses how fast time has passed, but at least now he can wear all the long sleeved shirts and hoodies he wants and not sweat like a pig. He would wear t-shirts, but then his scars would be on display for everyone to see and he doesn't want that.

Dean has completed his first semester at the college, and now he's on his second one. He kinda wants to quit, but doesn't want all the money they had to pay to go to waste.

Dean hasn't had the chance to see Cas all that much, but they text every day. Cas still doesn't know that Dean's working at the bar, because Dean doesn't want his boyfriend to worry. Cas does offer money from time to time, to help the Winchester boys out, but Dean refuses the money every single time. Cas keeps asking Dean why, but Dean always replies that he doesn't want to rely on others too much. Cas' money would actually help them out big time, but ever since he paid Dean's hospital and rehabilitation bill, Dean has refused any money from him.

As much as Dean hates working at the bar, he just  _ can't  _ quit. Winchesters don't quit, his dad always says. But no matter how anxious he feels, no matter if he thinks someone's watching him, he  _ has _ to continue working. Maybe he'll be able to save enough money for him and Sam to move out and leave their deadbeat dad behind? He's been dreaming about it for a long time now.

Then, someone interrupts his thoughts by approaching the bar.

”Hey, give me a shot of whiskey”, the old man slurs with a crooked smile. Dean smiles back at him and gives the man his order.

”Keep the change, handsome.” The old man winks at him when he gives a crumbled 20 dollar bill from his jean pocket. As much as Dean appreciates the money, he feels disgusted by the old man.

Once his shift is over, he closes the bar and starts to make his way home. On his way to the bus stop, he feels someone watching him, so he turns around and indeed someone is behind him. It could be a totally coincidence, though, so Dean decides to shrug it off.

He looks behind him again, and the guy is still there, looking creepy as shit with his long coat and stupid hat. The guy's eyes seem to be locked on Dean, and it makes Dean's skin crawl. He walks a little faster. Dean's sure that he saw the guy back at the bar...

_ Holy shit what if he IS following me?! _ Dean thinks and feels his heart beat fastens.

He reaches the bus stop and the weird guy is still hot on his trail. He stands a little further away from Dean, but doesn’t stop looking at him. Dean's too scared to say anything, so he just tries hard NOT to stare back.

Dean has his cell phone within reach, to call 911 if needed. He hopes it doesn't come to that.

It takes several minutes for the bus to arrive and Dean gets in, but the weird guy doesn't. He stays outside, but his gaze follows Dean inside the bus.

”What the ever living fuck...” Dean sighs to himself and relaxes on his seat. He nearly falls asleep.

 

\- -

 

The sun isn't even up yet, and Sam is already shaking Dean awake.

”Dean, Dean!”

”Ugh, what?” Dean complains as he turns over to face his brother, who is smiling widely at him

”Cas is here.” Sam smiles at his brother, who looks at Sam with squinted eyes.

The thought of Cas coming to see him makes him very happy, but at the same time he wishes he could just continue to sleep.

”Alright, I'm getting up.” Dean yawns and sits up, groaning.

”You sound like an old man.” Cas' voice comes from the doorway, and sure enough, when Dean looks, Cas is standing there, leaning on the doorframe.

”Cas?” Dean smiles, rubs his eyes and puts his glasses on to see Cas better.

”I woke up really early. Actually, I haven't really slept at all.” Cas smiles as he looks at Dean's bed hair.

”You look great.” Cas says and kisses Dean on top of his head, making him blush and huff out a small laugh.

”Make room, I want to lie down with you.” Cas says and gets in the bed with Dean, taking him in his arms.

”Why are you here? I mean, I'm glad you're here, but...” Dean asks with a yawn.

”I missed you and wanted to see you.” Cas says with a kiss to his forehead.

”Is this okay?” Cas asks, making Dean look at him, confused.

”I mean... Me, coming here this early.”

”Oh. It's okay. I mean, you could've come a little later, but... I've.. I've missed you.”

”I've missed you, as well, Dean. Now, go back to sleep. You look extremely tired.” Cas says, takes Dean's glasses off and places them on the bedside table.

Dean burrows his face to Cas' neck and Cas can't help but feel incredibly happy.

 

\- -

 

Dean wakes up again a few hours later, but notices to his dismay that Cas is gone. Reluctantly, he gets up, puts on his glasses and makes his way downstairs and finds Cas in the kitchen, with no sign of Sam anywhere.

”Where's Sam?” Dean asks with a yawn, making Cas turn around, startled.

”Dean! You.. You scared me.” Cas sighs deeply, and smiles.

”Sorry about that. Sam?”

”He went outside a while ago. Jess came to pick him up. I made you breakfast.”

”Really? What'd ya make?”

”Pancakes. With bacon.”

Dean can feel his mouth water. ”Ugh, why are you so perfect?” He moans at the sight of his breakfast as Cas puts it on the table.

”I'm not perfect, Dean. None of us are.” Cas says with a fond smile as he sits next to Dean.

”I quit college.” Cas suddenly blurts out, making Dean nearly choke on his pancakes.

”You did?” Dean asks, coughing. Cas pats him on the back. ” _ Why? _ ”

”I want to be a chef.”

”Yeah, you've mentioned that before. What are you gonna do now?” Dean asks as he shovers the bacon pancakes in his mouth, with a worried frown on his face.

”I found a cooking school in South Haledon, so it's not that far away.”

”Are you... Are you gonna move there?” Dean asks quietly, putting down his fork, his pancakes forgotten.

”No, no.” Cas says softly, noticing Dean's distress. ”And if I did, I'd still come see you and text you, and have you and Sam visit me. But, I'm not going to leave any time soon. Don't worry.” Cas says, but it hardly makes Dean feel any better. Now he's gonna be all alone at school.

Cas notices Dean's silence.

”Or you... You could come with me.” Cas says and brushes his fingers on the nape of Dean's neck, making Dean shiver.

”And what, take Sammy, too?”

”Why not.” Cas shrugs. ”But, like I said, I'm not planning on moving, at least any time soon..”

For the rest of the day, Dean seems to be in some sort of a trance. He can't stop thinking about what Cas said.

Cas stays the entire day with Dean, and leaves when it's already dark outside.

”I'll text you.” Cas says with a kiss to Dean's cheek.

”Yeah, okay.” Dean replies somberly, but tries to smile nevertheless, so Cas won't worry.

When Cas leaves, Sam is already sleeping, with no sign of John anywhere. Dean is just sitting on the floor in the living room, looking at the black screen of the TV and can faintly see his own reflection from it.

While he is happy for Cas for following his dreams, Dean can't help but feel a little abandoned.

He sighs and lies down to the floor.


End file.
